The Fall and After
by shakespeare's sister
Summary: Prelude - Sirius falls through the Veil... but what happens next? Sirius is trying to return to his own world. Meanwhile Remus is trying his best to get over his 'death'. RLSB.
1. Prelude: The Fall

Remus Lupin looked quickly, desperately, around the room, the towering amphitheatre seats climbing gloomily upwards around him, illuminated irregularly with many-coloured flashes from the wands of the duelling wizards ranged around the platform. Kingsley, Moody, Tonks, Sirius. But where was Harry?  
  
Finally his eyes connected with almond-shaped green ones on the other side of the room. Wide open, frightened, but defiantly alive and fighting. He was duelling a Death Eater with Neville Longbottom, who was very little help – he had sustained a nasty blow to his face and as a result was unable to speak clearly enough to cast hexes and curses. Lupin made as if to run over to him, but was thwarted by the intervention of a tall, hooded Death Eater who threw some jinx at him; what it was, Lupin could not hear because of the shouting and blasting echoing through the chamber. He quickly cast a Shield Charm but it wavered and then disintegrated gradually, the curse inching its way towards the werewolf. He quickly recollected the archaic and obscure Dissolution Charm and cast it expertly, shattering the curse into a million gleaming shards of light before running off after Harry. Once more the Death Eater stopped him. He hurled curse after curse at Lupin, who was forced to turn about and face him to neutralise the attack before attempting to disarm his opponent.  
  
'Expelliarmus!' he shouted with an intensity born of terror, but his fear made him careless and his aim was skewed by a good few feet. He let out an animal cry of frustration before defending himself once again from the hexes flying at him.  
  
The duelling couple rotated slowly and Lupin lost sight of Harry, although he lost none of his impetus to escape and rescue the boy. From the corner of his eye, he could see Sirius now battling with Bellatrix Lestrange, the most loyal and most loathed and feared servant of Lord Voldemort, and he felt his stomach lurch.  
  
In that moment, his concentration lapsed and he felt a curse whiz perilously close to his left ear. He was seized with a desperation that Harry's plight had no given him at the thought of Sirius duelling Lestrange, and faster than any human could possibly move he flung the first spell that he could think of at his opponent; a simple Stunning spell. The speed of the attack left the Death Eater helpless, and as the spell hit him he crumpled slowly to the ground.  
  
Lupin didn't linger long enough to see his head hit the floor. Already he was racing over to Sirius, frenetically remembering and discarding possible curses as he dodged the spells flying in all directions. He heard Sirius's barking laugh, heard him taunting Lestrange recklessly.  
  
'Don't goad her, Sirius!' he yelled breathlessly as he neared the pair; the first thing that came into his head, anything to draw her attention away from Sirius and on to he himself. The last words he spoke to Sirius, and they were aimed at someone else.  
  
Lupin skittered to a standstill as he saw the flash of red light hit Sirius squarely in the chest and quell his laughter. He looked on numbly as Sirius staggered backwards, flailing his arms. He knew what was directly behind Sirius, what Sirius could not possibly avoid, and he knew there was nothing he could do for him. In the moment of falling, Sirius's grey eyes met his and he knew what he wanted him to do. Although it felt as though it would kill him, he turned away from Sirius and instead caught Harry's arm as he sprinted over to his godfather.  
  
'What are you doing? Let me go!' Harry yelled, but Lupin had his arm in a vice grip and there was no way a 15 year old boy could escape from a fully- grown werewolf. He knew this, and so he looked back to where he had last seen Sirius toppling backwards with his cloud of black hair surrounding his face. He had vanished.  
  
'He's gone, Harry,' he said. His voice seemed detached from his consciousness; the same feeling as being extremely drunk or very very tired.  
  
'He can't be! He's only gone behind that veil! I've heard the voices there!' Harry screamed urgently, still struggling against Lupin.  
  
'He's gone. He's d-'  
  
'No! He can't be!'  
  
'I'm sorry.' All of a sudden Lupin felt tired, utterly exhausted. He slackened his grip on Harry, who had stopped fighting and instead was standing slumped, looking shell-shocked. But Lupin felt he simply couldn't summon the energy for sympathy. Sirius was gone. He was alone once more. 


	2. Aftermath

'How is he?' Albus Dumbledore asked Mrs Weasley anxiously.  
  
'The same,' Mrs Weasley replied sadly, tears glistening in her eyes.  
  
Dumbledore inclined his head gravely before walking slowly up the stairs of 12 Grimmaud Place. He carried on until he reached the third floor. Up here, the attic, there was only one door. He knocked on it and, receiving now answer, opened it slowly and looked round.  
  
The room was dark and shadowy, the only light from the stars and the half moon partially obscured by clouds. In the corner, his eyes could vaguely see the shape of someone sitting upright in an armchair.  
  
Dumbledore took out his wand and said 'lumos'. Instantly, the room was filled with a steady green glow. With a slow, sad tread, the headmaster of Hogwarts walked over to the person in the chair.  
  
'Hello Remus,' he said softly.  
  
Remus Lupin cast his amber eyes, weirdly illuminated by the light from the wand, up at Dumbledore.  
  
'Albus,' he said.  
  
Then there was silence. Dumbledore wondered how best to broach the topic that was on both of their minds.  
  
'How is Harry?' Remus asked suddenly.  
  
'Oh – he's – well, physically he's fine. Mentally - he is bereaved of the nearest thing he ever had to a father. He is unhappy. He feels lost, lonely, alone. But he is getting better. He doesn't laugh yet with his friends, but I have seen him smile.'  
  
Remus nodded slowly.  
  
'And you?' Dumbledore said eventually. 'How are you?'  
  
'Living.'  
  
'Oh Remus,' Dumbledore said, his voice full of pity, and two bright tears rolled down his wrinkled face.  
  
'I don't understand how this can happen,' Remus said quietly. 'How can I lose him – again? Hasn't there already been enough of this?'  
  
Dumbledore sat down next to Remus, his mind working desperately to think of some way to console his ex-pupil. But there was no consolation to be had.  
  
'What will you do?' he asked finally.  
  
The dazed look on Remus's face tore at his heart. 'Do?' he echoed. 'I – I don't – I haven't thought – I don't know. What should I do?'  
  
'Will you go home? I know the other members of the Order wouldn't mind.'  
  
'I don't know... do you think I should?'  
  
'Remus... I want you to do whatever you want to do.'  
  
'There is nothing I want to do, I don't think. Not without – I can't think, can't plan, can't do anything... it wasn't like this last time...'  
  
'Last time you were always anticipating the worst, so when it actually happened you were as prepared as you could be. But this – this is out of the blue, unexpected. And last time you believed him a betrayer. This time you know he is not.'  
  
'Albus – I don't know – it feels like I have died, or like I should die, but still my heart keeps going, my lungs keep breathing – I'm still alive – but I don't feel it. There's this hole – it's too big for me to live with, it's too painful – but I still keep living even though it feels like I can't.'  
  
Remus looked still and calm, but to Dumbledore he looked less than alive. The only light in his eyes was that reflected from the illuminated wand. Dumbledore heard his own voice shake as he replied.  
  
'I can't pretend to know this feeling, Remus, but please, if I can help...'  
  
'I don't know how anyone can.'  
  
'You will feel better Remus, you will. I know you can't believe it now.'  
  
'Maybe I will,' Remus said evenly. 'But I don't want to live that long. I have no one. Nothing. I can't go back to the way I was before he escaped – I was only half alive. I don't want to exist like that any more.' His words would have seemed melodramatic but for the quiet, almost relaxed way he delivered them.  
  
'Remus... all your friends want to help, you know. You do have people who care about you – there's more than a couple downstairs now. Everyone is worried about you.'  
  
'Molly comes up and opens the door a crack at least once an hour and tells me she's brought me tea,' Remus said. His words sounded humorous but he spoke them as statement of fact, with none of his usual wry gentle irony.  
  
'Well, yes, she's desperately worried about you... why don't you come down? You've been in here in the dark for three days now. You need to eat something.'  
  
Obediently, Remus tried to stand, but he trembled and fell back in his seat, panting. Dumbledore's heart gave a wrench but he just held out an arm for Remus to hold.

* * *

They walked slowly down the stairs, arm in arm. The house was uncannily quiet and still.

* * *

At last they reached the kitchen. Molly and Arthur Weasley were in there, with Severus Snape, Tonks, and a couple of other Order members. They were talking very quietly, but when Remus and Dumbledore entered the room they stopped abruptly.  
  
Molly Weasley stood up uncertainly.  
  
'Remus -' she began before bursting into tears.  
  
Mr Weasley gently took her arm and sat her back down.  
  
No one else said a word. Everyone looked awkwardly down at the ground, except for Snape, who met Remus's eyes intently.  
  
'You are making yourself ill, Lupin,' he said. His voice held only the faintest trace of its usual sneer.  
  
There was a heavy silence, interrupted by a door slamming in the summer breeze. Suddenly, a loud woman's voice began to scream. Everyone's eyes widened in horror as they made out the words.  
  
'Filth! Disgrace! Besmirching the Black name! Dead now,' she gave a raucous peal of wild laughter, 'but the damage is done! But still the house full of vile half-breeds! Disgusting! Treachery! A Black consorting with a werewolf! The shame, the humiliation! No son of mine!'  
  
His weakness forgotten in the surge of adrenalin that ripped through him, Remus Lupin leapt to his feet. There was a collective intake of breath, an infinitesimal pause as he raced from the room, before everyone else followed him out into the hall.  
  
Meek, mild Remus stood before the portrait, hi eyes aflame, his thin face deathly white with rage.  
  
'How dare you?!' he screamed. 'You evil, vicious bitch! Your son was worth a million of you – he's the only Black that's ever been worth anything! You were never even fit to know him – you're not fit to say his name! He was the nest man I ever knew! And he and that werewolf – they didn't just consort, oh no. They were lovers! Your son and a male werewolf!'  
  
Mrs Black had actually stopped her yelling, she was so taken aback. Into the silence, Remus carried on.  
  
'That's right – he loved a werewolf! Your son! And the werewolf loved him back...' his voice trailed away to a whisper. 'I loved him back.'  
  
He dropped to his knees and began to sob, crying as though his heart was breaking, his face buried in his hands, his thin shoulders shaking violently.  
  
The people stood watching were gob smacked. Most of them had no idea of the extent of the relationship between the two old school friends.  
  
Dumbledore stepped forward, put a gentle arm around the crying werewolf.  
  
'Come on Remus – let's go to bed,' he said softly, and gently lifted Remus onto his feet with a strength that belied his appearance. Without another word, he led him upstairs to a spare bedroom where, utterly exhausted, he fell asleep almost straight away.  
  
Dumbledore closed the door and rejoined the others in the kitchen, where no one was saying a word.  
  
'Albus – did you know?' Arthur Weasley asked.  
  
Dumbledore nodded. Everyone looked startled, apart from Snape, sitting in the corner.  
  
'Why didn't you say something?' Molly asked plaintively.  
  
'I thought there was no point,' he said gravely.  
  
Suddenly, a violet fire leapt up in the empty grate, and a ruffled, harassed-looking wizard stuck his head into the kitchen.  
  
'Dumbledore, sir,' he said respectfully, 'the Minister of Magic requests your company in his office at the Ministry, please.'  
  
Dumbledore inclined his head. 'I shall be there imminently,' he said, and the messenger and fire vanished.  
  
'Arthur, Molly, Tonks... Severus... I am worried about Remus. I would like to stay with him, but I fear Cornelius wants me and will want me for a while – so please, look after him...'  
  
Then, with a loud crack, he Apparated away to the Ministry.  
  
Everyone in the room stared blankly at each other, with the exception of Snape, whose face wore a twisted, painful look.  
  
'Severus,' Molly Weasley said suddenly; she was overly fond of Snape because of the way he acted towards Harry. 'You knew this too, didn't you?'  
  
'Yes, I knew about the touching love affair between our resident werewolf and the dashing Sirius Black,' Snape replied sneeringly.  
  
'So how long has it...' Molly continued.  
  
Snape raised on eyebrow. 'Since they were 17.'  
  
Molly gasped audibly.  
  
'What about when Sirius was in Azkaban?' Arthur Weasley interjected.  
  
'Lupin thought it was he that betrayed the Potters, so for 12 years, from what I can gather, he lived in the Muggle world. It's not easy for a werewolf to get a job in the magic world, after all. But then, Dumbledore gave him the Defence Against the Dark Arts job at Hogwarts. Black escaped Azkaban – they met in the Shrieking Shack – Lupin resigned, and they went off together into the sunset.' There was a look of disgust on Snape's face.  
  
'And it was you that made Remus resign,' Molly said, the scorn on her face rivalling Snape's.  
  
Snape had the grace to looks somewhat disconcerted for a second, but then his belligerence returned. 'Don't you know Lupin spent his last full moon at Hogwarts as a full-blown werewolf roaming the Forbidden Forest? That's a danger to the students! I would have thought that -'  
  
'The circumstances were exceptional,' Mr Weasley said angrily. 'Remus had to act as he did – he thought the children were in danger!'  
  
'As, indeed, they were,' Snape said. 'From he himself!'  
  
'You've always hated him!' Tonks said suddenly.  
  
Snape's eyes widened in pain as some memory hit him.  
  
'That is not the case,' he said eventually.  
  
'Isn't it?' Tonks asked angrily.  
  
'No, it's not true at all,' Snape said, his voice quiet and sad. Then, quickly, he resumed his usual air of arrogant superiority. 'And I'll thank you, Miss Tonks, to keep your nose out of things which don't concern you.'  
  
He stood up and stalked from the room.  
  
'What is going on with him?' Tonks said eventually. No one could answer her.

* * *

The rest of the day, and the whole of the night too, Remus slept. The people in the house took it in turns to watch him, apart from Snape. And yet, ironically, it was he who first noticed Remus was awake.

* * *

He was walking downstairs for something to eat when he heard muffled sobs coming from the bedroom Dumbledore had put Remus to bed in. His inclination struggled for a minute with his conscience, and lost.  
  
Without knocking, he opened the door and walked in. Some member of the Order who he recognised vaguely was asleep in a squashy armchair by the glowing embers of a fire. Snape wrinkled his long nose in distaste at this dereliction of duty before turning his attention unwillingly to the crying werewolf in the bed.  
  
As soon as he had seen Snape come in, Remus had tried to stop the tears from falling, but it was no good. Now he had started mourning Sirius he couldn't stop.  
  
Snape handed him a box of tissues from the table by the fire, with a faint look of scorn on his face. Remus pointlessly dried his eyes – the tears kept flowing. He gritted his teeth to stop himself sobbing out loud.  
  
Snape stared down at Remus in bed, his face white and his strange eyes red and swollen.  
  
'Do you want food, Lupin?' he asked.  
  
Remus shook his head.  
  
'I think you need a bath,' Snape said after a pause.  
  
'Yes,' Remus said in a little voice.  
  
'Can you get up?'  
  
Remus tried, but to his embarrassment he couldn't. Snape reluctantly helped him up, and supported him as he walked slowly and painfully to the bathroom.  
  
'Are you alright now?'  
  
Snape turned to go without waiting for Remus's his answer, but he was called back.  
  
'I don't think I can – get undressed.' His face was red with humiliation at having to ask Snape to do this for him. Snape was very pale, paler than usual. Clinically, his mouth twisted with some strong emotion, he lifted Remus's t-shirt over his head and helped him out of his jeans, before sitting him back down on a chair in the corner and filling the bath.  
  
When he turned back, he couldn't help it. He gasped.  
  
Before, he had avoided looking at Remus's naked skin, but now he noticed the lattice of scars tracing their way across Remus's painfully thin body.  
  
He looked Remus questioningly in the eye.  
  
'Self-inflicted,' Remus said. 'Every full moon, I tear myself to shreds. Or – tore myself. Not since the Wolfsbane.'  
  
'It makes that much difference?' Snape asked, a faint flush suffusing the pallor of his face.  
  
Remus nodded. 'Thank you,' he said quietly. "It used to matter. It doesn't anymore," he thought.  
  
'There's no need to thank me, Lupin,' Snape said harshly, to cover his embarrassment. 'I was convinced there was a way to subdue lycanthropia. It was a theoretical and technical challenge that I relished. Nothing to do with you. Now – ready?'  
  
When Remus assented, he helped him up. His head turned away, he stripped off the werewolf's boxers and led him over to the deep, sunken bath.  
  
Sitting in the bath, Remus sniffed. 'Rose water.'  
  
'Helps with healing,' Snape said quickly. 'I'm going to get you towels and robes – and food. Don't try to get out. If you need anything – here -' he handed over his wand, 'let me know.'  
  
'Thank you,' Remus said again.  
  
Snape left the room.  
  
All alone in the bathroom, tears welled up again in Remus's eyes. This pain was a lot harder to deal with than the numbness before – but at least he could feel something now. Even if that something was just suffering and loneliness.

* * *

His arms heaped with towels and clothes, and his hands full with a tray of food, Severus Snape paused outside the bathroom. He listened.  
  
His voice full of agony and loss, Remus was moaning the name of his lost lover again and again. Trying to ignore the sick feeling his stomach, Snape pushed open the door. Remus stopped talking but he was still crying.  
  
Snape decided the best policy was to pretend he hadn't noticed. He set the tray down on a chair and hung up the other things.  
  
'Do you want to eat in there, Lupin?' he asked.  
  
Remus shook his head, and Snape picked up the tray and took it outside before re-entering the room.  
  
'Have you been in there long enough?'  
  
'Yes, thank you.'  
  
'Would you like help getting out?'  
  
'Yes, please.'  
  
Snape rolled up the sleeves of his robbers and helped Remus climb out of the bath. He wrapped him in a huge white towel and sat him on the chair.  
  
'Thank you for this, Severus,' Remus said, his voice barely a whisper. 'I feel useless...'  
  
'That is not eating for three days – four now,' Snape said patronisingly. Then his tone changed. It was gentler, kinder. 'Remus, Black wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. Now, you'll be fine when you've had some food.'  
  
Then he turned away to hide his consternation. What was he doing? He was being weak! Why was he being like this to the werewolf? As for Remus, even Snape's highly unusual attitude didn't penetrate his consciousness.  
  
He helped Remus to dress as quickly as he could and then took him downstairs to a small room, facing the early morning sun. He got him comfortably ensconced in an armchair before going back upstairs for the food he had brought.  
  
With a tap of his wand, he made the cup of tea hot again, then the fried mushrooms and tomatoes. He carried the tray down to Remus and left him eating ravenously while he returned upstairs, woke the sleeping Order member and gave him a ferocious ear bashing for neglecting his job.  
  
When he returned downstairs, Remus had fallen asleep again, curled up defensively in the big armchair. There were fresh tears on his cheeks and caught in his eyelashes, and he muttered and cried out as he slept. Snape found a blanket in a drawer and laid it gently over the sleeping werewolf. Then he picked up the dirty dishes and headed out the door.  
  
Just as he was about to close it behind him, he heard Remus say something relatively coherent.  
  
'He's not that bad, Sirius... you know why he's like he is... you know what love is like... he's just been lonely and unhappy for too long... don't call him that... Sirius... don't...'  
  
Then he chuckled and shifted, and then slept quietly.  
  
Snape was certain Remus was talking about he himself, and he was enraged to be considered an object of pity.  
  
Barely suppressing his anger, he carried the dirty plates out to the kitchen and magically washed them up, crashing them together much more than was necessary.  
  
Molly Weasley found him in there, disdainfully drying up. She hid a smile and greeted him with a friendly 'good morning.' He answered barely civilly, his manner chilly, and she wondered what was eating him today. To her surprise, however, he volunteered some information himself.  
  
'I came downstairs and heard Lupin crying,' he said, disgust on his face. 'Healy was in there, asleep, so I had to deal with Lupin myself.'  
  
'Why didn't you just wake Adrian up?' Molly asked.  
  
'Lupin is a shared responsibility,' Snape said stiffly.  
  
Molly gave up. "Honestly, that man..." she thought.  
  
'And how is he now?' she asked, changing the subject to avoid making Snape even more prickly.  
  
'Asleep,' Snape replied tersely.  
  
'Did he – talk? What did you do?'  
  
Was it her imagination, or did Snape look slightly embarrassed?  
  
'I helped him bathe and got him some food. Now he's sleeping in the back study.'  
  
'You – helped him bathe?' Molly echoed, too gobsmacked to control herself. 'You made him food?'  
  
'Yes,' Snape snapped.  
  
'Really?'  
  
'YES! Now, would you excuse me.' It wasn't a question.  
  
'Just a minute – how was he? Still – strange?'  
  
'He was crying,' Snape said in a voice completely different to his usual supercilious tones. 'When he though I couldn't hear, he was – keening...'  
  
'Ohhh,' Molly breathed. Her eyes filled with tears. 'Oh, poor poor boy.'  
  
Snape's natural standoffishness was overcome for once by his curiosity.  
  
'You approve of his, ah, relationship with Black?' he asked, his brows raised sardonically.  
  
Mrs Weasley eyed him suspiciously.  
  
'It's a little – unorthodox – but Arthur tells me it's common in the Muggle world – and, quite frankly, I trust Remus's judgement. For all his faults, Sirius was a very good man – who am I to criticise what made them both happy?'  
  
'Admirable sentiments,' Snape sneered, before stalking from the room.  
  
Molly Weasley stared after him, shaking her head.

* * *

Throughout the day, number 12 Grimmaud Place was the usual hive of activity, Order members constantly coming and going every hour. However, everyone was careful to keep the noise down so as not to rouse the sleeping werewolf, and it was twilight by the time Remus woke again.

* * *

This time, his loss hit him like a tsunami after a few blissful moments of forgetfulness. Unable to stop himself, he raced over to a rubbish bin and violently sick. It was hunched over the same bin, shivering and weeping, that Tonks found him a few minutes later when she poked her head round the door to check on him.  
  
'Oh Remus, why didn't you yell?' she reproached gently.  
  
'I don't want to be any trouble,' Remus said miserably.  
  
'Everyone's so worried about you – you're more trouble if you don't ask for stuff!' Tonks said kindly, trying to joke but her eyes still welling up. 'Now – whaddya want to do?'  
  
Remus shook his head, not trusting his voice. He exercised his well- practiced self-control for a few seconds before he could speak. 'I don't know,' he said in a whisper.  
  
Tonks look pretty clueless. 'Do you – er – um – oh, do you want to read something?'  
  
'I don't know... no, I think... I want to talk about him.'  
  
'About – Sirius?' Poor Tonks looked horror-struck.  
  
'Who's here at the moment?'  
  
'Just me – oh, and Snape.'  
  
Right at that moment, Tonks' Order Alertronic beeped furiously. She yanked it out of her jeans pocket, and Dumbledore's head and shoulders issued forth.  
  
'Hell Tonks,' he said. 'I know this is not your shift but we urgently need your disguising skills. Are you free?'  
  
Tonks looked uncertain, and Dumbledore noticed.  
  
'What is it?' he asked.  
  
'I'm here with Remus...' she began hesitantly.  
  
'Oh, Remus, how are you?' Dumbledore said, turning to face him, his voice losing its businesslike briskness and becoming very kind.  
  
'Awake at last,' Remus said.  
  
'Is there anyone else around?' Dumbledore asked Tonks.  
  
'Yes, sir. Snape, sir,' she replied.  
  
'Well...'Dumbledore said thoughtfully.  
  
'Remus wants to, well, talk about – y'know,' Tonks said.  
  
'Oh,' Dumbledore said, frowning as he thought.  
  
'It's fine – if Tonks has Order stuff to do...' Remus said immediately, embarrassed at being yet another duty to the hardworking Order.  
  
'I will talk to Severus,' Dumbledore said decisively. 'Tonks, we really do need you...'  
  
'Please – don't make Severus...' Remus said, a hint of pride surging up in his voice which neither of the other two had ever heard before.  
  
'I'll talk to him – he can decide,' Dumbledore said. 'Please, Tonks, can you apparate to floor seven of the Ministry – you know, with the marble archway and the portrait of Lord Professor Sir Aloysius Bede-McKenzington- Wiley-Tooranga-Philips-Bong?'  
  
'Yes sir,' Tonks said, inwardly marvelling at Dumbledore's impressive memory.  
  
'Remus – I'll be back there in a few hours – but Snape may choose to see you...'  
  
Remus nodded unhappily.  
  
'Oh, and Tonks – please call me Albus,' he said distractedly before his head and shoulders withdrew back into the little gadget with a slithering sound.

* * *

Upstairs in the library, Snape's Alertronic started beeping. With relief, he laid aside the huge book of medieval potions he had been trying and failing to concentrate on.  
  
'Severus,' Dumbledore said, 'I have just summoned Tonks to the Ministry. She was downstairs with Remus – he wants someone to talk to, about Sirius. Now, this is not an order – it's a request. Remus didn't want me to ask you at all, but I think he needs someone. Will you – go and talk to him?'  
  
'Go and talk to the werewolf about his ex-convict lover? Oh, willingly,' said Snape sarcastically.  
  
'I was afraid you would be like this,' Dumbledore said sadly. 'I'm not going to make you – if you went and spoke to him like that, it would be worse than useless. So, I leave it up to you.'  
  
Snape's face showed very transparently the struggle that was going on internally.  
  
'I'll leave you to think about it,' Dumbledore said, and vanished.  
  
Snape sat in a chair and thought. What finally made up his mind was nothing to do with Remus or anyone except Dumbledore. He owed him a great deal, and he wanted to prove himself worth of Dumbledore's faith in him.  
  
He stood up decisively and walked swiftly downstairs to the room where he had left Remus.  
  
'Lupin,' he said coldly from force of habit. He tried again. 'Lupin,' more gently.  
  
'Severus?' Remus said, obviously surprised to see him.  
  
'I have just spoken to Dumbledore,' Snape said. 'He thinks you need someone to talk to.'  
  
'And you volunteered?' Remus said mildly.  
  
Snape's eyes flashed. 'There is no one else here,' he replied.  
  
'But – you didn't have to do this – don't have to do this,' Remus said softly.  
  
'Lupin, the past is a long time ago,' Snape said, although he was not so sure himself.  
  
'Then why are you always so short with me? Why do you hate me so much?'  
  
'You're the only person I have ever loved, and you passed over me for someone else, someone I hated – aren't I entitled to a little animosity?' Snape said lightly, and Remus gasped.  
  
'I didn't think you'd actually say that,' he said eventually.  
  
'I am not ashamed,' Snape said coldly. 'But anyway, I am not here to discuss my pathetic excuse for a love life.'  
  
'Do you actually want to discuss my d-dead lover?' Remus asked, stumbling slightly over the hateful words.  
  
'I am here to talk about whatever you wish to talk about, Snape said slightly impatiently.  
  
'So you are here to listen while I tell you about how much I loved him and how I feel – lost – and what I'm going to do now I have no one to live for?'  
  
Snape's eyes were blank and expressionless. He gave a terse nod.  
  
'Severus, I can't talk about that with you. I just can't.'  
  
Snape nodded again, not trusting himself to speak. His eyes were suspiciously shiny, a fact which did not escape Remus.  
  
'Did Dumbledore forget everything that happened?' Remus said wonderingly.  
  
'No, but I imagine he assumed I am over all that, that now I am a sensible mature adult rather than a lonely, hormone-ridden seventeen year old.'  
  
'I wish I was still seventeen.'  
  
'Why? You were miserable. Lusting after Black, convinced you were unnatural...'  
  
'But at least he was there,' Remus said, his voice trembling uncontrollably. He swallowed and changed the subject. 'Do you wish you were seventeen?'  
  
'You know my life at Hogwarts was a misery,' replied Snape matter-of- factly.  
  
'But is it so much better now?'  
  
Remus had hit a nerve. Snape's lips thinned and he looked away.  
  
'I wish – I had the chance to make a lot of decisions again,' Snape said finally.  
  
'Such as...?'  
  
'Do you really need to ask? Joining the Dark Lord was the single biggest mistake I made.'  
  
'And yet, if you hadn't – the Order would be much less effective...'  
  
'That is true. But each time I leave, I fear it is my last...'  
  
'What would happen to you – if they found out?'  
  
Snape smiled cruelly. 'Crucio,' he spat. 'They would keep me alive for weeks to torture me. I would beg for death after seconds, but it would not come for months.'  
  
'You are brave,' Remus said.  
  
'I have to make amends,' Snape replied.  
  
'Are there other things you'd change?'  
  
Remus watched Snape's jaw tighten with repressed rage.  
  
'I would have stood up to my father,' he said eventually.  
  
Remus was taken aback. 'Why? How?'  
  
'He made my mother's life a misery, and I hold him responsible for her death... the last time I visited her, she was on her deathbed... he hadn't even told me she was ill... I could have killed him. Part of me wishes I had. Perhaps she would still be alive.'  
  
Remus looked sickened.  
  
'You don't understand. I hope you never do.'  
  
There was silence.  
  
'No... I think I do... Bellatrix Lestrange...'  
  
'Be careful, Remus.'  
  
'Why do you usually call me Lupin, Severus?'  
  
'Do you want to know – the real reason?'  
  
'Yes.'  
  
'I always called you Remus in my head. 'Remus' was someone who loved me. 'Lupin' is the man who loves someone else.'  
  
'And now Sirius is dead you can say it?' Remus asked bitterly. 'Is that it?'  
  
'No... I think I've realised you will never be mine, and now it doesn't matter anymore.'  
  
'Severus, I'm sorry.'  
  
'For what?'  
  
'Just – everything. Not sticking up for you. Not being nice to you. Everything.'  
  
'It doesn't matter.'  
  
'Your life would have been so different – if you had been in Gryffindor!'  
  
Snape laughed, actually laughed.  
  
'Too ambitious,' he said. 'Remus... what are you going to do?'  
  
'What, now?!'  
  
'Ever...'  
  
'For the last two years, my plans for the future have been to live in Yorkshire with Sirius forever.'  
  
'Will you still live there?'  
  
'I do – I want to go home... but, oh Severus... all his things are there, his clothes, the bed will still smell of him – I can't – I'm never going to see him again...'  
  
He began to cry again, racking sobs that seemed to tear his skinny body apart. Snape stared at him.  
  
"Would anybody ever cry like that for me?" he wondered, before putting self- pity aside and laying a hesitant hand on Remus's shoulder.  
  
'Please – don't cry,' he said uselessly.  
  
He put an arm awkwardly round Remus's shoulder and waited.  
  
Eventually the sobs died away, leaving Remus taking heaving, controllable, stuttering breaths.  
  
'I can't stop crying,' he said hopelessly when he could speak. 'Every time I think -'  
  
'You're allowed to cry,' Snape said quickly.  
  
'What does everyone else think?' Remus asked shakily. 'Do they all think I've run mad?'  
  
'No... they know how much you and Black meant to each other...'  
  
Something in his tone alerted Remus to the truth.  
  
'They know about us?'  
  
'You – you told them – when you were shouting at Black's mother -'  
  
'What do they think?'  
  
'Everyone understands – you're a very popular man, Remus. Actually, everyone is relieved – now they know why you are so - affected -'  
  
'Sirius always wanted to tell everyone, you know – at school – just after – but I didn't let him. Thought everyone would shun me even more. Ironic, that I was the one to let it out. I've always been so afraid of people knowing what I am – who I am...'  
  
'May I ask you something?'  
  
'Of course -'  
  
'Why did you believe Black was the spy, if you were – lovers – at the time?'  
  
'He told me that the reason he didn't tell me he and Peter swapped as the Potters' Secret-Keeper was because if they caught him, and were trying everything to make him tell, he thought I would not be able to let them – that I would tell them it was Peter. When James and Lily were killed – well, I didn't know what to think. And then Sirius was convicted... I couldn't believe it of him, but what else was there to believe?  
  
'I tried to just forget it all – forget James, forget Sirius – forget I ever had friends, forget I was ever happy...  
  
'I have never told anyone this, but part of me, a tiny part, almost wanted to believe he had betrayed James. I was always jealous of them – best friends, they were...' Self-disgust was written all over his face and his voice was dripping with scorn and self-loathing.  
  
'It is understandable,' Snape said softly. 'Jealousy – is a strange and terrible thing.'  
  
'Yes – you understand – perhaps that is why you are the first person I have told – you understand things... it is intimidating...'  
  
'Perhaps in another world we would have been friends,' Snape said softly. 


	3. Sirius's Discovery

I'd just like to say cheers to everyone who reviewed the story so far... thanks for all the positive comments, and hope you enjoyed it enough to want to keep reading!

* * *

When Sirius Black came to, he was lying in the room where the battle had taken place. It was empty and quiet. The Veil fluttered in front of him.  
  
'Where is everyone?' he said out loud.  
  
He sat up and rubbed his head. It hurt. He blinked a few times, then decided to try standing. His heart beat very fast and he felt giddy but he managed it.  
  
He picked up his wand. 'Lumos,' he said. The room filled with light.  
  
"Why did they leave me here?" he wondered.  
  
He stood still for a few seconds, then walked purposefully back out the way he had run in, through labyrinthine passages and strange rooms. Finally, he was in the corridor at the Ministry. Glancing around nervously, he hurried along the dark, deserted corridors of the Ministry of Magic. When he reached an Apparition Station, he Apparated back to 12 Grimmaud Place.

* * *

He appeared in the kitchen with a loud crack. Albus Dumbledore was sitting there, and he looked up in surprise as Sirius materialised.  
  
'Albus? Is everyone okay? How's Harry?' he panted.  
  
Dumbledore just looked quizzically at him,  
  
'Albus?'  
  
'What are you doing, Sirius? Why shouldn't everyone be alright?'  
  
'What are you talking about? The battle – at the Ministry, the Department of Mysteries – I got knocked out cold, next to that Veil thing... you know, Voldemort had made Harry see me in danger there, he'd come to rescue me, but I didn't need rescuing, I wasn't there, Kreacher told him I wasn't at home when I was -'  
  
'Sirius?'  
  
'You all left me behind, I don't know why...'  
  
Albus's blue eyes widened as a possibility hit him. He realised it must almost certainly be the truth.  
  
'Oh – Sirius – you fell through the Veil in the Department of Mysteries?'  
  
'Maybe, I don't know – I was unconscious...'  
  
'I think – oh, sit down, this may seem a little farfetched – I think you've slipped across into another world.'  
  
'YOU WHAT?!'  
  
'Sirius Black is upstairs, Sirius. I just left him up there.'  
  
'I'm Sirius Black! ...Are you - are you feeling alright, Albus?'  
  
Dumbledore frowned in thought.  
  
'I've never seen this happen before... but it could logically be a possibility...'  
  
'You're crazy!'  
  
Dumbledore laughed, a worried sound. 'Wait here,' he said.  
  
He left the room quickly. When he came back, a few minutes later, he was with someone very familiar.  
  
'M-m-me?' Sirius stammered.  
  
'Sirius?' the other Sirius said. He turned to Dumbledore. 'When you told me... oh, I can't believe this...'  
  
Sirius shook his head.  
  
'So he's me – in another world? This world?' the other Sirius said ruminatively. 'You fell through the Veil?'  
  
'Yes – I suppose I must have done – unless this is all a very bizarre dream...'  
  
'It's not a dream,' the other Sirius said positively. He stuck out a hand. 'Er – pleased to meet you, Sirius.'  
  
Sirius shook it absent-mindedly.  
  
'So Harry's still at Hogwarts - and he's fine?'  
  
'Yes, he is,' Dumbledore replied.  
  
'Well – good,' Sirius said dazedly. 'Albus – how am I going to get home?' he added suddenly.  
  
Dumbledore looked grave. 'I think you will have to keep going through the Veil.'  
  
'What – just cross my fingers and keep trying?'  
  
'I fear – yes.'  
  
'How – how many places – how many worlds are there?'  
  
'Nobody knows, Sirius. Probably many thousands.'  
  
'And – who is there now? I mean – if I'm not...'  
  
'They will – I'm sorry – they will think you dead...'  
  
'Oh! Remus! He thinks I'm dead?'  
  
'I am afraid so. No one has ever reappeared from the Veil before, Sirius.'  
  
'Well,' Sirius said determinedly,' I will be the first. I have to get back – to Re. He thinks I'm dead,' he repeated, shaking his head sadly.  
  
The two men standing there looked slightly bemused.  
  
'Everyone else does too, y'know,' said the other Sirius.  
  
'But Re's the one that matters!'  
  
'But – why?' Dumbledore asked.  
  
'Because – oh Merlin! This really isn't my world! Because Remus, well, he's my – he's my lover.'  
  
'What?' the other Sirius exclaimed quickly.  
  
'Since we were both 17, and the whole Whomping Willow and Snape incident... then since I got out of Azkaban – we were living in his cottage – then the Order restarted and we came back down to London – back here...'  
  
Dumbledore just looked taken aback, but the other Sirius gazed at him narrowly.  
  
'Things can be very different in different worlds,' Dumbledore said thoughtfully.  
  
'So – here – you and Re aren't -'  
  
'Oh! Oh no! No no no no no,' the other Sirius said very definitely indeed.  
  
'Merlin!' said Sirius again. 'So – you – do you have anyone – you know...?'  
  
'No! I'm an escaped convict!' the other Sirius said bitterly, pain in his voice.  
  
'Could I – could I see Remus?'  
  
'Of course – though let me explain first – but Sirius, be careful,' Dumbledore said. 'This isn't your home – things are different – don't – upset him -'  
  
Sirius laughed. 'I'm not going to jump him!' he said. 'Anyway, he's not my Re.'  
  
'I'll go and get him,' said the other Sirius nervously, and left the room.  
  
'I suppose Harry's Occlumency lessons are going well?' Sirius asked Dumbledore.  
  
'Yes – Severus informs me that he has stopped having dreams about Lord Voldemort.'  
  
'Well, that's good,' Sirius said. 'In my world – Harry looked into Snape's Pensieve – Snape was so angry he stopped giving Harry lessons -'  
  
'And that is why this battle in the Ministry you were talking about took place?' Dumbledore asked shrewdly.  
  
'Yes, that's right – Harry dreamed he saw me captured by Voldemort – so he came to my rescue. But it was a trap...'  
  
'Strange, the way these things happen...' Dumbledore said.  
  
At that moment, the other Sirius entered the kitchen, followed by a nervous- looking Lupin. The sight of him made Sirius's heart beat much faster.  
  
'Remus!' he said, starting up from his seat.  
  
'Sirius?' Remus replied hesitantly, looking back and forth between the two Siriuses.  
  
'I think we could do with a cup of tea,' Dumbledore surmised, and he went into the corner and started making it.  
  
'None for me, please,' the Siriuses said in unison. Then they stared at each other, and then laughed.  
  
Remus looked warily at the new Sirius.  
  
'Sirius tells me – you come from another world?' he said finally.  
  
'So Albus says,' Sirius agreed. 'Wouldn't've believed it myself – but last time I checked there was only one of me.'  
  
'And in your world – you and I – we're – lovers?'  
  
'Yeah,' Sirius said, a dreamy smile on his face. 'Ever since we were 17...'  
  
'But you were in Azkaban too?'  
  
'Yeah,' Sirius said again, the smile sliding off his face. 'For betraying Lily and James to Voldemort.' His face contorted with hatred as he spat, 'Pettigrew was the one – he was the Secret-Keeper... and I – I killed them.' The anger left his face and was replaced by infinite sadness.  
  
'And me,' the other Sirius said, his face wearing an answering look of sadness.  
  
Albus came over, handed the Siriuses two butterbeers and Remus a cup of tea. 'You can't blame yourself-ves,' he said. 'You did what you thought was best.'  
  
They drank silently, all lost in thought about the past.  
  
'Well,' Dumbledore said finally. 'I suppose we should go to bed. Sirius - new Sirius – do you want to stay the night? You can return to the Ministry tomorrow to pass through the Veil again, if that is what you wish -'  
  
'I can't stay here!' Sirius exclaimed. 'I have to get back to Re – my Re...'  
  
'You do understand that your chances of making your way back to your own world are very slim, Sirius?'  
  
'I have to try,' Sirius said determinedly.  
  
Dumbledore smiled, reached out his hand and squeezed Sirius's shoulder. 'You're not so different from our Sirius,' he said, very softly.  
  
Sirius blushed, and the other Sirius and Remus glanced at each other, caught the other looking and looked away again, embarrassed.  
  
'So, where can I sleep? Is the Blue Room on the second floor empty?' Sirius asked. He didn't feel tired at all, but he wanted to be alone, to think.  
  
'Er – yes it is,' the other Sirius said with surprise.  
  
'I do live here,' Sirius grinned at him.  
  
'Oh, course you do,' Sirius said back.  
  
'Alright, well, see you all tomorrow – oh, Albus, does it matter who sees me? I mean – should me being – here – be a secret?'  
  
'I really don't know,' Dumbledore said. 'But anyway, no one else should be here until the day after tomorrow, at least. Everyone is away on missions – they're reporting back with these -' he held up an Alertronic.  
  
'Oh, yeah, Remy's got one of those,' Sirius said. 'He – he's going away soon – to try and recruit some of the wild werewolves in Ireland to the Order – it's very dangerous... I have to get back before he goes!'  
  
'I am going away too,' Remus said softly. 'For a long time...' He looked down, and didn't see the expression on the other Sirius's face. But Sirius did.  
  
'Right, well, I'll see you all tomorrow then,' Sirius said, standing up.  
  
The group dispersed: Dumbledore and Remus talking in low voices as they trailed the two Siriuses up the stairs.  
  
'I can't believe Remus and - in the other world – we're... you know,' the other Sirius said, shaking his head. 'Since we were 17, too – how did you ever come to tell him how you felt?' he asked eagerly.  
  
'In the sixth year – I – oh, I betrayed him to Snape,' Sirius said bitterly.  
  
'So did I,' said the other Sirius sadly.  
  
'I did it – because Snape was in love with Re – I thought Re loved him back. I was jealous. When Re woke up the next day – he knew someone had been in the tunnel with him – Jamie saved Snape, you know – and of course none of us had been with him the night before – and I told him. I told him why I told Snape. He got angry but then – he forgave me. He told me he loved me. But I owe Snape so much – he was the one who told me Remus loved me first. Even though I can't stand the man.'  
  
'It all happened like that,' the other Sirius said quietly. 'All except for me telling Remus. I thought Snape was lying.'  
  
'You – you love him too?'  
  
'For as long as I can remember.'  
  
'But you never told him that?'  
  
'I don't think he feels that way about me.'  
  
'But it's worth a try, isn't it?'  
  
'Maybe – I just don't want to upset him. He's always so quiet – and sad...'  
  
Up ahead, Dumbledore and Remus were also talking about the strange visitor.  
  
'I can't believe it – about he and I,' Remus said.  
  
'Is it so hard to believe?'  
  
'I suppose – it's just so unusual in this world... when I lived as a Muggle, there were lots of these – gay people – but gay wizards? And Sirius and I?'  
  
'Does the idea repulse you? Embarrass you?'  
  
'Oddly enough... no... I think it's very – romantic,' Remus said with a wry smile.

Dumbledore shot him a covert sideways glance that observed a lot more than might be supposed.

* * *

Everyone walked into their respective bedrooms. Sirius pulled off his robes and say in t shirt and boxers on the bed.  
  
'This is so strange,' he said out loud. 'Oh – Re – I wish you were here too. I miss you...'  
  
Just then, the door opened and Remus walked in. Sirius couldn't stop his heart giving a leap, but he knew it was not his lover.  
  
'Er – Remus – hi,' he said. It felt so strange being politely distant with someone the very image of the man he loved.  
  
'Sirius. I have to talk to you,' Remus said, pacing nervously around.  
  
'Okay – what about?'  
  
'Oh, isn't it obvious? About Sirius!'  
  
'You love him, don't you?'  
  
'Am I that transparent?' Remus said hopelessly.  
  
"To me you are, Remy," thought Sirius. It felt so strange to have his lover sitting and telling him that he loved someone else – even if that someone else happened to be himself.  
  
'Why did you never tell him?' Sirius asked.  
  
'I was too afraid of him – shunning me – I was afraid of his rejection. I love him too much to live without him.'  
  
'Don't you think he feels the same way about you?'  
  
'Oh, what is there to love about me?'  
  
'Re -' Sirius said hoarsely. 'You're wonderful. You're beautiful.'  
  
Remus couldn't help it. He started to cry.  
  
'I always wanted to hear him say that. And you – you are him, and yet you're not – and you're in love with someone else – me but not me...'  
  
'RE! TELL HIM!' Sirius said emphatically. 'He does love you back! He does!'  
  
'How do you know?'  
  
'Oh – please – trust me. Go and tell him right now. Please!'  
  
With a scared backwards glance, Remus left the room. Sirius was left alone with his thoughts.  
  
"Don't be sad, don't be afraid Re. I'm here. I'm alive. You just have to wait a while."

* * *

Meanwhile, the Remus from this strange new world was running down the passages to Sirius's room. His mind was confused, he couldn't plan what he was going to say; he just burst abruptly into Sirius's bedroom.  
  
'Oh – Remus – what are you doing here?' Sirius exclaimed.  
  
'I had to see you – I just talked to the other Sirius,' Remus panted. 'He told me to come...' he looked closely at Sirius. 'What's the matter?'  
  
Sirius looked very white but resolute.  
  
'I have something to tell you too – sit down, Re -'  
  
'Oh, I can't wait any longer – oh – Sirius – I – I love you!'  
  
Sirius sat down on his bed.  
  
'You what?'  
  
'Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry Sirius, I had to tell you though...'  
  
'Well, I have to tell you too – I love you.'  
  
Remus stared down at him. 'You do?'  
  
'I do.'  
  
'I've loved you so long... I've waited so long...'  
  
'So – so have I...'  
  
'Why didn't you tell me?'  
  
'Why didn't you tell me?'  
  
'I was afraid. I never thought...'  
  
'I never thought you could love me back.'  
  
'How could you think that?' Remus laughed shakily. 'Oh, but Sirius...'  
  
'Yes?'  
  
'Can I – can I -' he advanced towards Sirius, sat down next to him, turned and sat cross-legged so he was facing his profile. 'Can I – kiss you?'  
  
Sirius turned to face him, reached out a trembling hand and caressed his pale face. Remus laid a hand over Sirius's, leaned forward and gently kissed him on his lips. Then he pulled back as if startled.  
  
'I've wanted to do that for so long...'  
  
And he did it again. This time, it was longer, Sirius kissing him back intensely, both of them quivering as they fulfilled the desires they had both hidden for so long.  
  
When at last they broke apart, they were both slightly embarrassed.  
  
'Well...' Remus said uncertainly.  
  
He reached out again and grabbed Sirius's hands.  
  
'So what now?' Sirius asked, blushing.  
  
'Can I – take off your shirt?' Remus asked, blood rushing to his cheeks too.  
  
'Only if I can take yours off too,' Sirius replied with a smile.  
  
'Oh – Sirius – I have...' Remus stammered. Then he took off his t-shirt.  
  
'Oh Remy,' Sirius gasped.  
  
The scars from Remus's painful transformations covered his chest.  
  
'I – I never knew,' Sirius said, tears springing to his eyes.  
  
'It's okay – please – don't worry – I don't mind -'  
  
Sirius freed one of his hands from Remus's apprehensive grasp and traced his fingers along the white scars. Biting his lip, he moved his hand lower whilst looking questioningly at Remus. Remus looked as scared as he felt.  
  
'Well, I took off my shirt,' Remus said, trying to joke. 'Your turn...'  
  
Sirius quickly wriggled out of his grey t-shirt and looked at Remus, who smiled nervously.  
  
'Have you ever done - this - before?' Sirius asked, and instantly wished he hadn't as Remus nodded hesitantly. 'Who with?'  
  
'Muggles – a few -'  
  
'Men?'  
  
'Yes.'  
  
'Women?'  
  
'No. Have you...?'  
  
'No. Never.'  
  
'Oh Sirius – I was young, lonely – this sort of thing, it's normal in the Muggle world – and I thought – I thought I'd never see you again. I thought I'd missed my chance. Ohh – I'm sorry -'  
  
'No need to be sorry,' Sirius said heartily even though a tear was working its way down his handsome face.  
  
Remus leaned towards him and kissed it away.  
  
'I want you. I always wanted you.'  
  
'I always wanted you too... will you help me with my trousers?' he asked with a little smile that Remus found incredibly arousing.  
  
'Of course – do you want to stand up?'  
  
They stood up awkwardly and shed the rest of their clothes, then stood staring at each other.  
  
'I can't believe this is happening...' Sirius said finally.  
  
'It's beautiful, isn't it?' said Remus, smiling happily.  
  
'Oh, it is,' Sirius replied fervently.  
  
Then, with much hesitation, they moved towards each other, clung together and then kissed, sparks of longing firing through every synapse. There was no hesitation any more.  
  
They stood like that for what seemed like hours, kissing, caressing. Then Sirius freed himself. He took Remus's hand and led him back to the bed in the corner, and they laid down facing each other.  
  
'For the first time since I was 11, I feel shy with you,' Remus said softly, and Sirius laughed.  
  
'I know what you mean,' he replied. 'But still – already – this feels so right.'  
  
In answer to this, Remus moved in closer and kissed him again. Their hips met and added fuel to the flames of their passion as finally their desires were satisfied.  
  
They spent the rest of the night making love, discovering each other's bodies. When the dawn came, they sat on a wide window seat wrapped in one huge blanket to watch it before finally falling asleep.

* * *

When they finally came downstairs, hand in hand, Dumbledore was there to greet them. He smiled at them paternally and they smiled back, matching beams of contentment, and matching grey shadows under their eyes from where they had had very little sleep.  
  
'So,' Dumbledore said.  
  
'Er – we -'  
  
'There's no need to explain, Sirius. I may be old but I'm certainly not daft.'  
  
Remus and Sirius both laughed self-consciously.  
  
'Do you want breakfast?' Sirius asked. 'I was just going to make something...'  
  
'No, thank you, I've eaten,' Dumbledore replied. 'But perhaps – the other Sirius wants something?'  
  
'Oh, I'd almost forgotten,' Sirius said, smiling ruefully. 'Is he up?'  
  
'I heard him pacing his room most of last night, but it's silent now... on second thoughts, perhaps you had better let him sleep.'  
  
'Well, he knows where everything is...' Sirius said, before starting to scramble some eggs whilst Remus made toast.  
  
Dumbledore watched them together, watched their shy little grins and meaningful gestures, and thought how fortuitous their strange visitor had been.  
  
Sirius and Remus ate quickly before vanishing back upstairs again. Dumbledore watched them go indulgently. He had been anticipating this for a very long time. He made himself a strong cup of coffee and went upstairs to the huge gloomy library. He had a lot to do, but most urgent to him was finding out more about the Veil. After seeing his Sirius and Remus so happy together, he knew how important it was for Sirius to get home.  
  
He stayed in the library for hours, searching for any references at all to 'other worlds'. They only confirmed what he already knew – virtually no one had ever passed through the Veil, and of those who had, none had ever returned. Consequently, no one really knew what lay behind it. Conventional wisdom held it that passing through the Veil resulted in death, and Dumbledore feared that if Sirius tried again, that would be his fate.  
  
By the time he returned downstairs, Sirius was sitting at the table surrounded by empty coffee cups. Remus was nowhere to be seen to Dumbledore assumed correctly that this was the new Sirius.  
  
'It's nearly dark,' Sirius said. 'I'm going to Apparate to the Ministry at 11 I think – everyone should be long gone by then.'  
  
'Are you sure you want to do this?' Dumbledore asked, even though he already knew the answer.  
  
'Of course,' Sirius replied.  
  
'I know – this is a terrible thing that has happened to you, but I can't help feeling glad you came – for what you did -'  
  
Sirius looked blank.  
  
'Sirius – my Sirius – and Remus – they – well, they've been waiting a long time but, oh – they're very happy now,' Dumbledore said euphemistically, and Sirius grinned.  
  
'Glad to have been of service,' he said. Then, 'coffee?'  
  
'No thank you,' Dumbledore replied. 'I have to return to Hogwarts – I just wanted to say goodbye, and thank you, and to wish you good luck.' He decided to say nothing of what he had learned in the library. Sirius would still go ahead and try to return home, and he did not want to destroy his hopes.  
  
'Thank you,' Sirius said sombrely, and shook hands with Dumbledore.  
  
Then there was a loud crack and the whitehaired wizard vanished.  
  
Left alone in the kitchen, his kitchen, Sirius became lost in daydreams. "I'm at home, and Re's upstairs asleep, and in a minute I'll go and wake him up..." he thought hazily.  
  
His happy daze was interrupted but Sirius and Remus coming into the kitchen.  
  
'Oh – hello,' he said awkwardly.  
  
They were standing in front of him, holding hands. "We look good together," he thought briefly.  
  
'Hello,' Sirius said, and Remus smiled in greeting. 'We know you're leaving soon – we just wanted to thank you...'  
  
'Ah, there's no need,' Sirius said, embarrassed.  
  
'No, really, thank you,' Remus said. 'Thank you for making us happy.'  
  
"Oh – Remus -" Sirius thought brokenly, and struggled to hold back a sob. He just smiled wanly at them.  
  
'Goodbye,' they said together.  
  
'Bye,' whispered Sirius.  
  
As they left the room, he got up and made yet another cup of coffee. "Pull yourself together, Black," he thought severely.

* * *

The hours passed slowly, but at last it was getting on for 11. Unable to wait any longer, Sirius Apparated back to the Ministry and then stealthily walked along the corridors until he found the door. Making his way through the confusion of rooms, he then climbed down the staircase in the echoing auditorium. At last he found himself facing the Veil. Behind it he could make out faint elusive murmurings which made the hairs on the back of his neck prickle.  
  
"Well, here goes," he thought. He tucked his wand into his robes and stepped through. 


	4. Snape and Remus

Much of this story has actually been written, but my chances of actually getting to the computer to type it up are few and far between. I'm sorry! But please review, and perhaps I'll be able to write again sooner than I think...

* * *

'We _should_ have been friends,' Remus replied. 'But I was too weak... I always wanted to talk to you...'

'I wish you had,' Snape said.

'So do I,' Remus said heavily. 'What a mess my life has been...'

'How so?' Snape asked curiously.

'So much I wish had happened differently – I've done so many things that I wish I had done differently.'

'But you _have_ been happy.'

'Intermittently.'

'Oh, come on Lupin – Remus – most of your kind never have any sort of happiness.'

'That's true,' Remus said sadly. 'But it doesn't stop me wishing for it.'

'Lots of people live their whole lives without finding such complete happiness – and love – as you have. At least you _have_ had love.'

'It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,' Remus quoted in a melancholy way. 'I was never so sure how true that was.'

'You still read Muggle books?' Snape asked.

'Yes... how did you know...?'

'I always saw you, curled up in solitary places in the castle at school, reading...'

'I thought no one knew.'

'_I_ knew.... You went to the Astronomy tower, to the little room in the dungeons just off the passage that no one could ever find...'

'How?'

'I used – oh, I used to follow you. I just liked to watch you.'

Remus couldn't deny the creepy shivers running up and down his spine at this disclosure.

'I'm sorry, Remus. But I used to see you – you would read – and then – you would cry...'

'I had no idea,' Remus said with wide eyes.

'Of course you hadn't – you were – are – far too modest to conceive of yourself being such an object of fascination to someone... one of the reasons why you were such an object of fascination to _me_.'

Remus looked embarrassed.

'You already knew this – how else would I have found out about you crossing the grounds to the Whomping Willow every month? Why else would I have taunted Black about – oh Remus, forgive me, I'm sorry...' he said as at the mention of Sirius the blood drained from Remus's face.

'It's alright, Severus. I will have to get used to it,' he said finally.

Snape looked at him almost tenderly with – was that pity in his eyes? Remus closed his own luminous eyes and attempted to regain his self-control.

'I could never bring myself to believe that Black loved you the way I did – I couldn't believe you loved each other as much as I loved you – but now I do, and I'm _glad_,' Snape said almost fiercely.

Remus's eyes opened in surprise.

'I am sorry – I know how terrible that must sound to you. But I never saw the best side of him... and, Remus – you did – _do_ – deserve something – some_one_ – extraordinary.'

Remus could not believe it was Severus Snape talking this way; Snape, who for so long had seemed to loathe him so completely.

'He _is_ extraordinary,' he said softly. '_Was_.'

'I know,' Snape said as if this concession gave him pain, but was necessary. '_You_ could not love him like this if he was not.'

'I'm not so very extraordinary myself,' Remus said with a twisted smile.

'Oh but you are,' Snape said eagerly, then sharply intaking a breath as if shocked at his own daring.

'How am I?' Remus asked with a note of incredulity in his voice.

'Oh Lupin, do I really have to spell it out to you?' Snape snapped, withdrawing into defensive shortness. Then, 'sorry,' he muttered as he saw the pain in those wolfish golden eyes he had worshipped for so long.

'I thought – Sirius was the only one who really cared about me.'

'You know that's not true,' Snape said, his glittering black eyes boring straight into Remus. 'I think you're extraordinary because of – your kindness – your honesty – your caring for how people feel even though they mean little to you – your resoluteness – your courage – your innocence – your intelligence – your passion – your humour – your lovingness – your compassion... is that enough for you to be getting on with?!'

'I – I think so,' Remus said shakily.

At that moment, the door opened and Dumbledore walked in. He saw the agitation in Remus's flushed face and the earnest openness in Snape's and wondered what they had been saying. Then the veneer slammed back down, and Professor Snape had returned.

'Headmaster,' he said.

'Severus, Remus,' Dumbledore replied. 'Cornelius has been placated, and all at the Ministry is concord once more – well, as much as can be expected. They are planning the next move now. I have informed Cornelius of the resurrection of the Order of the Phoenix, and he has promised resources and Aurors... so... once more we are at open war.'

Snape remained impassive, but Remus flinched.

'Severus – I need to speak with you...'

Snape followed him from the room, palely resolute, and Remus was left alone once more.

'You know what I ask you to do, once more,' Dumbledore said gravely to Snape.

'Yes, headmaster,' Snape said.

'And you agree to do it?'

'Yes.'

'Thank you Severus,' Dumbledore said.

'It is my duty,' replied Snape coldly.

'No – you are under no obligation...'

'My own conscience dictates that I am.'

'Well, Severus, before you leave – Remus?'

'He is suffering as he should never have to,' Snape said passionately.

Dumbledore showed nothing of his surprise at Snape's sudden change of attitude.

'What did you speak of?' he asked mildly.

'Black, mostly,' Snape replied evasively.

'Well, thank you again. He needs this to heal,' Dumbledore replied sadly.

'If that's all...?' Snape said.

'Yes, thank you Severus,' Dumbledore said, and watched as his most unpredictable and unfathomable ex-student walked quickly up the stairs to prepare for his ordeal.

'Good luck, 'he said quietly after the retreating figure, before turning and re-entering the room where Remus was now pacing agitatedly.

'I don't know what to do!' Remus cried as soon as he became aware of Dumbledore's presence. 'I feel so – so -'

'Of course you do,' Dumbledore said, and his voice was so gentle that Remus's tears, never far from the surface, began to fall once more. 'Don't punish yourself, Remus. Let yourself grieve.'

'D-did Severus tell you what we talked about?' Remus asked, his tears still falling.

'Not really, no.'

'Oh, Albus, you shouldn't have asked him to talk to me...'

'Why not? Was he – unkind?'

'Oh no, no – he was kinder than I ever knew he could be...'

'Really?' Dumbledore said hopefully.

'I – I have been cruel to him, Albus.'

'_You_? _Cruel_?'

'Well, I have misjudged him – and mistreated him -'

'He still cares for you, doesn't he.' It was a statement.

'He told me – yes, he does.'

'What did he tell you?'

'He told me I was – extraordinary – and he said – oh, he said Sirius must be – must have been – too, because _I_ loved him.'

'Severus said that?' Dumbledore's surprise was unmistakeably genuine. He knew there were many hidden depths to Snape, but he had never suspected he had that much sensitivity and capacity for gentleness. He knew how intense Snape's hatred of Sirius Black had been, and how difficult it must have been for him to say that. He also knew now that the feelings Snape had once had for unassuming modest Remus were as deep as ever they were.

'Yes,' Remus said quietly. 'I think he had had a very unhappy life,' he burst out suddenly.

'I think so too,' Dumbledore agreed. 'I think it is that which makes him – what he is.'

'I think – if you're only kind to him, and listen – I think he would be much happier, would _seem_ happier.'

'That is probably true – although I have been trying for many years -'

'But Albus, he is too in awe of you to relax – maybe, you know too much of his past.'

'Maybe. But I think perhaps he will tell you all that I know. He has always been so secretive -'

'I'm afraid of what he will say – and do -'

'You are afraid he will start to think you feel for him something like he feels for you.'

'And I can't – Sirius – I could never –'

'Of course not!' Dumbledore said. 'And rationally he knows that.'

'But – with things like _that_ – you can't always be sensible and detached.'

'That is very true.'

'I _want_ to talk to him, but I can't have – I can't cope with it.'

'I know he understands. You think perhaps he is trying to ingratiate himself – I think he just wants to try to alleviate your pain.'

'Why – why did Sirius hate him so much? He is just a man -'

'You know Sirius hated him because of _you_. He thought you liked Snape too much – he was jealous – and you know Severus was the one who told Sirius how you felt about him – Sirius owed him a great deal – it is never easy to accept that, especially from someone you think wishes you harm.'

'Albus,' Remus said abruptly, 'do you think I'll ever see him again?'

'It is something I have thought about a lot,' Dumbledore said meditatively. 'Before – I thought not – but now – I don't think I can believe you two will be separated forever. I think there _must_ be a next world, and I think you _will_ be reunited.'


	5. Remus the 'Muggle'

Sirius Black woke up on the cold hard floor. Lighting up his wand, he saw the familiar room, empty. He hurried out and Apparated back to 12 Grimmaud Place. His suspicions that the Veil may not have worked were counteracted by the complete bafflement on the face of Albus Dumbledore.

'S-s-Sirius – Sirius Black?' he said, dumbstruck.

Wondering why Dumbledore was so dumbfounded, Sirius replied.

'Yes – and no – I know I'm unexpected – but the thing is – I know how crazy this sounds, believe me – I'm from another world. I fell through the Veil, you know, in the Ministry – fighting Death Eaters – Voldemort was after Harry – and I fell into the wrong world – am I home?'

'Oh no, I'm sorry Sirius – no, you are not... please, sit yourself down...'

Sirius's immediate disappointment gave way to something like apprehension.

'Am I here – I mean, is Sirius, your Sirius, here? Is he – am I – alive?'

'In a way,' Dumbledore said sadly.

'What do you – oh – _ohhh_ – the dementors – they gave me the Kiss?'

'Yes; about two years ago -'

'But why? Two years... oh, that was when I escaped, wasn't it? Was it – was it Snape?' He spat out that last and Dumbledore nodded.

'You had murdered Peter Pettigrew – Snape came in, saw you – delivered you to the dementors...'

'No – no,' Sirius moaned, his head in his hands.

'Obviously that didn't happen to you...'

'Remus was talking – then Snape came in – Harry and his friends knocked him out – Pettigrew was forced to transform back into a man, but Harry stopped Re and I killing him – we all started back to the castle, but Re – transformed – Pettigrew escaped – I was captured but Harry and Hermione helped me escape in Buckbeak, Hagrid's hippogriff...'

'Ah, Remus Lupin was there?'

'Yes, he was Defence Against the Dark Arts professor – why?'

'I asked him to fill that position – but he said he could not. So are you a free man?'

'No, I'm still hiding away – here – I was at Remus's home but then the Order restarted...'

'You are innocent,' Dumbledore stated.

'Yes! Yes I am... Pettigrew and I swapped as secret keeper – and he betrayed Lily and James, and Harry,' Sirius said hoarsely.

Dumbledore had gone very pale.

'You are innocent,' he repeated shakily. 'But – now – it is too late.'

'Oh, gods,' Sirius said. He felt sick at the thought of the fate that had befallen him in this alien world. 'I have to leave,' he said eventually. 'I have to try to get home to Re.' At Dumbledore's quizzical glance he continued, 'We're lovers...'

'Yes – you used to be – before,' Dumbledore said. He still looked shaken, and very old.

'Where is Remus?' Sirius asked suddenly.

'He's – still living in the Muggle world – he lives not so far from here, in Hampstead...'

'Do you have his address?'

'I do – but Sirius, please - don't tell him you were innocent – I don't think he could stand it.'

Sirius looked as though he might dispute this, but then he thought about Dumbledore's words and they made sense.

'Perhaps – I will not tell him who I am – I just want to see him, make sure he is happy.'

'Well then – he owns a bookshop – Luna Books – it is on Hampstead high street – I think you should be safe, you look very different now to Sirius – _you_ – when he escaped... here, some Muggle money – take the Underground -' he pressed a £20 note into Sirius's hand.

'Thank you Albus,' Sirius murmured.

Dumbledore smiled sadly at him.

'I hope you get home – may you have better fortune than our Sirius.'

'Thank you,' Sirius said again.

'You should stay here until the morning – although it is not so far away.'

With that, as if he could not bear to see this physical proof of the wrong done to his Sirius any longer, he left the room with a slow, heavy tread, his shoulders bowed. Left alone in the kitchen again, Sirius dropped his head wearily on his arms and wept for himself and the cruel impassive injustice meted out to him in this world. He wept too for Remus, although perhaps Remus's ignorance of his own innocence meant that Remus had a happy life. He determined his happiness should not be destroyed by anything _he_ did or said.

As the early light poured gold into the room, Sirius stirred himself. He washed his face, shook back his untidy black hair and made himself a very strong coffee which he drank with a grimace before stripping off his robes and rolling them up under his arm. Then, closing the front door gently behind him, he stepped out onto the quiet London street.

* * *

He caught a tube to Hampstead Heath with minimal difficulty (although several commuters were left wondering about the handsome dark-haired man cursing 'stupid Muggle machines' under his breath). He wandered around in the sunshine until he found the main shopping street, already alive with people frantically trying to get to work and school. Then he saw it. 'Luna Book' – curly white writing on a midnight blue background, surrounded by tiny stars.

'Moony,' he whispered. So Remus hadn't completely dissociated himself from his wizarding past.

The shop wasn't open yet. He sat on the doorstep, attracting many glances from passers-by who noted his distinctive face and his stillness as he sat there whilst all around him was chaos.

Then, a pale face that he knew better than his own was looking down into his flushed, upturned one.

'Hello?' Remus said.

'Ah, hi – are you the owner of this place? I really wanted to come in, so I thought I'd wait...'

'Yes – Remus Lupin,' Remus said in a friendly way, holding out his hand. Sirius took it, held it for only a fraction too long –

'Patrick Baker,' he said.

'So – Patrick – are you after anything specific?' Remus asked as he unlocked the front door and went inside.

The shop was small and dark. As Sirius's eyes adjusted to the light, he saw the neat stacks of books on huge tables and the dark wooden bookshelves lining the walls. Then Remus flicked a switch and bathed the room in bright light.

'Er – I was after _Middlemarch_ actually,' replied Sirius, knowing as he did that in his world this was Remus's favourite book.

Sure enough, Remus's eyes lit up.

'Oh, I love George Eliot,' he said passionately. 'Yes, I have lots of her...' he took Sirius into a corner and showed him. 'You have impeccable taste,' he laughed up at Sirius.

'Thank you,' Sirius smiled down at him, fighting the urge to grab Remus and smother him in kisses. 'So...' he said instead, 'how's business?'

'Business is great,' Remus replied happily. 'I only opened about a year ago but already I think I'm going to have to get an assistant – interested?' he asked suddenly.

'Oh – no – I'm afraid not,' Sirius said.

'Well, Patrick, that's probably a good thing – not sure how happy my boyfriend would be...' Remus said with a grin.

"He's flirting with me!" Sirius realised, then, 'Boyfriend?' he spluttered out loud.

'Yes – his name's Simon,' Remus said.

'H-how long have you...?'

'About four years now,' Remus said.

"So that's why he didn't go to Hogwarts!" thought Sirius. He couldn't ignore the lump in his throat and his eyes shone overbright. "That's why I got the Kiss."

'Is he a Muggle?' he blurted, and then realised what he had done. Remus's eyes were round with surprise – and suspicion.

'Yes,' said Remus, drawing the word out. 'But how did you know I wasn't?'

'Oh – I – I work at the Ministry – thought I recognised you from there -'

'Right,' Remus said, as if the mystery was cleared up, but he still looked nervous. "He's worried I know he's a werewolf," Sirius thought.

'So – does your boyfriend know you're a wizard?' Sirius asked.

'Yes, but he doesn't know – everything...'

'How did he take it?'

'Oh – alright I suppose – it's not much of an issue anyway; I don't use magic anymore.'

'Why not?'

'Everything associated with the wizarding world has too many memories that I would rather not disturb.'

"Oh poor Re," Sirius sobbed inside his head. Outwardly, calmly, he said, 'So how is life as a Muggle?'

'Everything takes a long time,' Remus said with an absent-minded smile. 'You know, Patrick, you really remind me of – of someone.'

'Wouldn't be Sirius Black now, would it?' Sirius asked cheerfully. 'Loads of people, wizards _and_ Muggles, spotted me when they were after him, wouldn't believe the hassle.'

'Yes, you look like I always imagined he'd look when we grew up.'

'You knew him?' Sirius said sharply, feigning surprise.

'Yes, I did – we were friends – more than friends...'

'You and Black?' Sirius forced himself to sound incredulous.

Remus laughed hollowly. 'Hard to believe, isn't it?' he said. 'Gosh, why am I telling you all this? I'm sorry for bending your ear -'

'No, no, it's fine, I'm interested.'

'I rather thought he was the one great love of my life. I really know how to choose them, obviously – a murderous traitor.'

'Simon?'

'Oh, he's lovely, and I do love him, I _do_, but I always thought Sirius and I had a connection – I always thought he was my soulmate. How can you be so wrong about a person?'

Even though he felt like his heart was breaking, Sirius managed to say, 'Ah well, lots of people were taken in by him, weren't they?'

'I suppose...' Remus said. 'But even now – after what he did, after what the dementors have done to him – I still can't quite believe I was that mistaken about him. I mean, all the evidence says I _was_ mistaken, and yet...'

Sirius's deep grey eyes were glowing with all the things he longed to say but couldn't. He knew he ought to leave now, but his impulsiveness wouldn't let him.

'Shut up the shop. Come and have breakfast with me,' he said persuasively, and Remus laughed.

'I've already _had_ breakfast,' he said.

'You look like you could do with another one,' Sirius replied.

'Ah – okay,' Remus said. He and Sirius walked out and he locked the door and pocketed the keys.

'What do you fancy?' asked Sirius.

'Oh – I don't mind – but I'm a vegetarian,' Remus replied.

He noticed that the handsome stranger didn't ask him what 'vegetarian' meant, like every other wizard he had ever told. He stored that fact away in his mind.

'How about pancakes then?' Sirius asked, and Remus nodded. 'Anywhere good near here?'

As Remus led the way to a little cafe, Sirius wondered what on earth he was doing, why he was doing this.

They sat down and Remus pulled out a little box, from which he withdrew a thin white orange-tipped stick. He proceeded to light it from a little blue plastic device, and then inhaled deeply.

'What are you doing?' Sirius asked him frankly.

Remus looked at him. "Knows 'vegetarian' but doesn't know what smoking is?" he thought, but grinned ruefully and replied, 'Smoking. Filthy habit. And I bite my nails too,' he exhibited a slim white hand with nails bitten right down to the quick. 'I think I started when – when they caught Sirius Black a second time,' he said. 'You know what happened to him?'

Sirius nodded gravely.

'I dream about it sometimes. About his last seconds. I wake up and I'm screaming. And I keep thinking, too, what if I had gone to Hogwarts when Albus asked me – he invited me to be Defence Against the Dark Arts professor. I wish I had gone – maybe things would have been different.'

'Maybe,' Sirius said. 'Maybe not. But what's done is done, and the important thing is that you're happy now.'

'_Am_ I happy?' Remus asked plaintively. 'I suppose so. I love my work, Si's great...'

'Don't punish yourself for being mistaken about Black, Remus,' Sirius said. 'He was a cruel and dangerous man, and now he's gone.'

'I suppose you're right,' Remus said, his elbow on the table and his pointed chin propped negligently in the hand holding his smouldering cigarette. Sirius stared at it, incongruous with the rest of him. 'Do you want one?' Remus asked him.

'Oh – no thank you. I have enough vices already!'

'I can't believe that.'

'I'm no perfect man, Remus.'

'Well, perhaps not. But tell me about yourself. What kind of man _are_ you?'

'I'm a man – I don't know – a man who lives for love, I think. For me, living without love isn't really _living_. And yet, what _is_ love? Depending on another person for your happiness. People are fallible.'

'You sound bitter.'

'Perhaps I am. I have lost the one I love, and now I have to look for them.'

'How did you lose them? Her? Him?'

'We have drifted apart. I left him behind. I didn't mean to. And now I can't get back to him.'

'That is all very mysterious... and terrible.'

'I know. And it is all the worse for me trying desperately to return to him, and he thinking I have left forever.'

Sirius saw the pity in Remus's eyes and his heart convulsed with pain.

'But you want him so much. You _will_ get back to him. And, I think I envy you. Your certainty. You make me wish I was this man.'

Biting his tongue to stop his confession, Sirius contented himself by saying, 'You are very like him, Remus.'

'You hardly know me.'

'That is true. But you remind me of him in many ways. He has suffered exile and loneliness from the wizard world – you see, he's a werewolf.' Sirius was interested to see how Remus would take this.

'You love a _werewolf_?' Remus said eagerly.

'He's human and he needs to be loved, just like everyone else does. And the wolf is only a little part of his life in a way; I mean, one night a month. And yet it informs his whole existence. I believe he wouldn't be the man I love without it, and yet, if I could relieve him from the pain and anxiety it brings then I would.'

'I understand,' Remus said softly, 'better than you think I do. _I_ am a werewolf.'

'Does Simon know?'

'No.'

'Will you tell him, do you think?'

'I want to, I need to, but I don't want to frighten him. And he _would_ be frightened; who wouldn't?'

'Perhaps as a Muggle it will be less familiar to him, and he'll have fewer preconceptions?'

'Perhaps.'

'Perhaps your – disquiet – would be relieved by honesty.'

'It's not that I don't want to tell him. But, oh Patrick, I don't want to scare him away. I need him. I need love.'

'So does everyone. And I'm sure he loves you enough to see how insignificant it is.'

'You're right, I think.'

At that moment, their breakfast was brought over to them.

'It's impossible to be deep and meaningful over pancakes,' Sirius said flippantly.

'I've never tried,' replied Remus with a grin. 'And I'm not going to start now – only – thank you, Patrick. I don't even know you, but I think you've helped me a lot.'

'I hope so,' Sirius replied. 'And thank _you_ for listening.'

They smiled shyly at each other before setting to their breakfast, both slightly embarrassed about the confidences they had made to a stranger but both feeling whole and satisfied by their conversation so far, and both looking forward to what the other would say next.

'I didn't realise how hungry I was,' Sirius said finally when he had finished eating.

'Do you want to finish mine?' Remus asked.

'If you don't want anymore...'

'I told you, I already had breakfast – porridge.'

Sirius grinned to himself at the rightness and Remusness of this breakfast, before saying, 'Okay then!' and swapping plates with Remus.

The gesture seemed very intimate and strange, representative of the whole of their intercourse so far.

Remus lit another cigarette and watched Sirius eat.

'You _were_ hungry.'

'Famished! I've been subsisting on coffee for the last few days.'

'Why?'

'Oh, eating takes up too much _time_. And after a while you forget that you need to.'

'Is this because you were looking for – I don't even know his name.'

'It is not important.'

'Are you afraid that I would know him?'

'I am certain that you would.'

His curiosity piqued, and also slightly resenting being left out of this stranger's confidence, Remus said nothing.

'He knew you very well,' Sirius said, sensing this. '_That_ is how I knew you weren't a Muggle, not because I work at the Ministry...'

Remus looked down, his eyelids shielding his expressive eyes from Sirius's intent grey gaze.

'This is very strange,' he said quietly. 'I feel as though I already know you. I feel as though I only need to make some small leap of consciousness and I'll understand, I'll know why you're so interested in me, why you knew so much about me. I feel as though I'm trying desperately to look past a heavy mist – or a veil, hiding the truth.'

Sirius jumped at the mention of a veil. He stared at Remus's pained white face with its downcast eyes. Then Remus looked up, and Sirius shrank back under the searching gaze from his remarkable eyes.

'You know something I don't.'

Sirius opened his mouth to pour forth his explanation, but then shook his head as he thought about the havoc this would wreak on Remus's life.

'You were going to tell me!'

'There is something in what you're saying, but I can't tell you. Just – I'm not who you think I am.'

'I think I know who you are,' Remus whispered. For the first time, fear flickered in his eyes. 'But you can't be. This is like a dream.'

Sirius was afraid.

'I shouldn't have come,' he muttered, throwing some money on the table and rushing from the café. A few onlookers gaped after him.

'No, Sirius, wait!' Remus cried in an anguished voice.

Sirius raced down the road, dodging the people as they loomed up in front of him. But Remus was used to the crowds of Muggles and he was quicker. He caught Sirius's arm.

'You _are_ him, aren't you?' he shouted. 'You can't just leave me like this now – you have to tell me – how are you here?' He choked on his words and, letting go of Sirius, began to sob helplessly as the people bustled round him.

Sirius didn't know what the right thing to do now was. He only knew that he couldn't leave Remus crying on Hampstead high street. He turned back, caught Remus's hand and dragged him away down the road until they were back at his book shop.

'Key,' he said tersely, and Remus handed it to him. He let them in and they climbed the stairs at the back to the flat above the shop. They stood in the tiny living room, Remus still crying but facing him resolutely, and Sirius white and shaking.

'You're right, I'm Sirius Black. But I'm not _your_ Sirius Black.'

'He has no soul anymore,' Remus said with a haunted expression. 'So – how _can_ you be him?'

'I don't fully know myself. I just know that a few nights ago, I fell through the veil in the Department of Mysteries at the Ministry of Magic and now everything's wrong. It's like my world, but it's changed, coincidences have and haven't happened, people have and haven't done things.'

'So you're trying to get back to your world – _that's_ how you lost your lover,' Remus said thoughtfully, taking this incredible explanation very calmly.

'That's right.'

'It's me, isn't it? In your world, we're still together.'

'Yes.'

'Oh – oh – I wish I was your Remus.'

'At the moment he thinks I am dead.'

'I wish you were. It would be easier... why didn't _you_ get the Kiss?'

'I escaped Azkaban and went to Hogwarts after Pettigrew, but he escaped me. Then Harry drove the dementors away as they gathered around me. Snape took me up to the castle, they locked me up ready for the Kiss, but Harry and his friend rescued me on a hippogriff and I fled into hiding.'

'Harry Potter?' Remus said wonderingly.

'Yes.'

'How ironic... that your life should be saved by _Harry_ _Potter_,' Remus said, and laughed suddenly, hysterically, thin peals not from amusement but overwrought anxiety.

Sirius knew his lover's varying moods better than he did his own, and he recognised this. He led Remus to the squashy sofa, sat him down gently and spoke to him softly and evenly.

'Hey Remus, calm yourself down, alright? Just relax, breathe deeply. There's nothing to worry about, is there? So just calm down. That's right. Much better.'

Remus's laughed had dried up as quickly as it had begun, leaving him pale-faced and big-eyes, staring at Sirius.

'Sirius – I have to know – did you do it?'

'No!' Sirius exclaimed.

Remus's face was lit for a second by a pure smile of utter relief, the smile of someone who has had a crushing burden forced on them against their will suddenly removed. Then it was replaced by suspicion and bewilderment.

'But then, _how_?'

'Oh Remus, in my world, Peter and I swapped as secret keeper for Jamie and Lily. He betrayed them – then when Voldemort was overcome by Harry, he faked his own death. He lived as a rat for 12 years with a wizarding family, waiting... I found out from a newspaper that Cornelius Fudge gave me for the crossword, you see, he was in a photograph as Wormtail. I recognised him immediately. And it gave me impetus to escape... that's how it is in _my_ world anyway.'

'I never really believed you had betrayed them Sirius, but there was no other way. But this means they gave you the Kiss for nothing – you were an innocent man.'

'But Pettigrew is dead at least, Re. Harry's safe.'

'My poor Sirius, ohhh...'

'Oh Remus, you can't spend your life regretting what has already happened. You'll make yourself utterly miserable for nothing. There is nothing you can do.'

'But how can I be happy now?'

'I don't know Re. But Sirius _would_ want you to be happy – and so do I.'

'I don't know what to do. How _can_ I be happy?'

'You – and Simon -'

'Sirius, don't you understand? Simon's always been second best. He's kind, he's a good man, he's safe... but he's not _you_.'

'Well, what do you want to do Re?'

'I want to go with you. I want to leave this world.

'To find – what?'

Remus looked down. 'To find a Sirius without a me.'

'It won't be the same. You'll never find your Sirius again. He's gone.'

'I know, I know. But just to stay here, existing – I can't.'

'I can't stop you, and I don't know if I should try. But – you probably will never find your way back here, if you want to return. And what will you tell Simon?'

'I will tell him I am leaving him forever.'

'Poor Simon.'

'He will find someone better, someone to make him really happy.'

'Remus, I think this is a bad idea. But it is up to you.'

'I want to come.'

'Well, we have to wait for night. I need to sleep and you have a lot to sort out...'

Remus led him to a little room with a low double bed and pale green walls.

'Do you want a shower first?'

'Please...'

'Towels here, bathroom through there. And – give me your clothes, I'll wash them.'

'Thank you.'

'I'll be back later.'

Remus turned away and Sirius quickly stripped before wrapping a towel around his waist and handing his clothes to Remus.

'See you tonight,' Remus said, and left the room.

Standing under the heavenly hot shower, Sirius's mind was filled with worry. Had he done enough to discourage Remus? But in his heart of hearts, he was secretly glad that Remus was coming even though he fought against that feeling.

Having resolved nothing, he quit the shower and, naked, flung himself wearily on Remus's bed.

'You shouldn't've come!' he said aloud, but he couldn't quite convince himself that was true.

He expected insomnia, but was asleep in minutes.

* * *

He awoke to soft knocking on the bedroom door.

'Sirius,' came Remus's disembodied voice. 'It's after 10. I thought I should wake you. I've left your clothes just outside.'

Sirius rose slowly. Opening the door a crack, he found a neat folded pile of his things and a steaming mug of coffee. He took another quick shower, dressed, and left the room sipping his coffee.

Remus was sitting at the kitchen table also drinking coffee. He looked even whiter than usual, but when he saw Sirius come in he smiled resolutely up at him.

'You were tired,' he said.

'Very,' Sirius replied with a yawn.

'I was sorry to wake you but I thought I should – I thought it was time.'

'Yes, thank you. Have you thought about – you know?'

'All day I've thought of nothing else,' Remus replied earnestly.

'And you still want to come?'

'Yes.'

'You've spoken to Simon?'

'Yes,' Remus replied. His lips tightened with pain and he frowned slightly.

'What did he say? What did _you_ say?'

'I told him it was over. He – cried. Pleaded. I feel cruel, and selfish.'

'I don't think you are.'

'Maybe, maybe not. It's done now. I've given him the shop to do with as he will. I have no ties here any more.'

'And you're certain?'

'Yes! Sirius, you don't understand – how could you? This will give me something to strive for, that something that has been missing from my life ever since you went to Azkaban. Even with Simon, my life has just been waiting for I don't know what. And now at last I don't have to wait any longer. Now it's my chance to _live_. How you feel, knowing you have to get back to me – can't you understand?'

'I do. But I feel as though I've thrown your life into chaos.'

'You have, of course you have. But I've been longing for it.'

'Aren't you afraid?'

Remus pulled out a cigarette from the packet in front of him and lit it. He inhaled slowly.

'Yes,' he said, smoke wreathing from his mouth and curling and dissipating as it floated upwards. 'I feel very strange, very scared. But more excited than I think I have ever been.' He took a swallow of coffee and smiled tremulously at Sirius. 'Are you hungry?' he asked.

'Oh – yes, I am...'

Quickly, Remus chopped up vegetables and stirred them with noodles over the stove.

'I could do better,' he said with a wry grin 10 minutes later as he handed Sirius a full plate. 'Maybe some other time you'll get a chance to taste my speciality.'

'I hope so – mmm, this is good,' Sirius said. He didn't tell Remus that he had tasted his speciality stir-fry a hundred times, and loved it.

Remus smiled shyly as he ate his dinner. Then there was silence as they sat, not meeting each other's eyes, both wondering what to do or say next. Remus meditatively smoked a cigarette. Sirius laid his hands flat on the table, palms down, to stop himself fidgeting.

Suddenly there was a dull intermittent booming noise. Sirius looked at Remus in alarm.

'11 o'clock,' he said. 'I have an old grandfather clock in the hall.'

'We should go,' Sirius said. 'Do you know the Ministry well?'

'No.'

'I'll apparate us both there. Here,' he held out a hand. Remus picked up a small bag lying by the door and awkwardly took Sirius's hand. He held on tight as they were violently propelled across London, appearing suddenly at the Ministry's seventh floor Apparation Station.

They stood there breathless for a few moments before Sirius realised he was still gripping Remus's hand. He let go gently.

'Okay?' he asked, and Remus nodded.

They set off through the ever more familiar corridors and rooms until they finally reached their destination. The veil was fluttering slightly in the windless room.

'Remus. This is it. You're sure.'

'Yes,' Remus said. His fierce eyes glowed intensely as he held himself upright, trembling slightly.

'Together? Or alone?'

'I – I don't know, Sirius.'

'Me neither.'

'Perhaps – the first together.'

'Yes,' Sirius replied, oddly relieved that their parting was thus delayed.

Once more he held out his hand and once more Remus clasped it with his own thin, sensitive one, gripping his bag with the other. Together, they advanced towards the veil.


	6. Severus's Hidden Depths

I'm sorry this has taken so long to post. Unfortunately I am mentally busy right now, plus typing stuff up that you've already written is dead boring! But I was bored enough that this seemed like a good idea, _et voila_, chapter 6!

* * *

Days passed slowly at 12 Grimmaud Place. Remus asked Dumbledore continually whether he could resume his duties for the Order of the Phoenix, and Dumbledore continually refused him. He was still deeply concerned about Remus's state of mind, and felt it wiser to allow the werewolf more time to recover.

One day, Remus repeated his usual request.

'You know that I think you need to wait, Remus,' Dumbledore replied. 'I think – I think you need to go home first.'

'Go home?' Remus asked. 'But that will only make it worse…'

'But it is always in the back of your mind, this dread of going back to the life you shared with Sirius. You cannot convince me that you are – recovered – until you have confronted this dread.'

'I understand,' Remus said quietly. 'But how can you ask this of me? To return alone to our home – I just can't. I _can't_.'

'You would not have to go alone. Severus Snape has volunteered to accompany you.'

'Severus?'

'I will release him from his duties for a week or so, if you wish him to go. I regret – I cannot go myself – but perhaps it is better anyway for you to have one of your peers with you.'

'He _volunteered_?'

'Yes. He said he had a thought that I would ask this of you, and he offered to go with you if you wish it.'

'But – why?'

'I have long given up trying to understand Severus. But he likes you, you know that. He wants to help, but he is too infernally proud to bring himself to offer you directly.'

'Then – perhaps – I _should_ go – with _him_.'

'I can only imagine how hard it will be for you. But I think you should go.'

'Tomorrow then – is that alright?'

'Yes, tomorrow. Shall I talk to Severus, or will you?'

Remus tried to speak but his heart failed him. 'Will you?' he muttered eventually, pleadingly.

'Of course. Ah Remus,' Dumbledore reached out a hand and rested it on Remus's skinny shoulder, 'you are very brave.'

'I _have_ to get back to life – and if this is the way to do it… you would not say I'm brave if you knew how much I'm dreading it.'

'Remus, bravery is being afraid of something, but doing it anyway. I must go now and find Severus. What will you do?'

'Oh – read or something,' Remus said with an impatient wave of his hand. Dumbledore sensed his anxiety to be alone and left him to his thoughts.

Snape, when Dumbledore found him, was up in the library where he spent the majority of his time. He was surrounded by thick ancient wizarding tomes, but Dumbledore saw he was actually reading a skinny muggle paperback. "Camouflage," Dumbledore thought to himself. Aloud, he said, 'Good afternoon, Severus.'

Snape scrambled to hide the book he was reading, and Dumbledore regarded it curiously. He caught a glimpse of a title with the word 'bereavement' in it, and almost said something in his surprise but he forced himself to stay quiet.

'Headmaster, sir,' Snape said, a faint embarrassed flush on his waxy-pale cheeks.

'Severus,' Dumbledore said kindly. "He really is extraordinary," he thought, but out loud he said, 'You recall offering to go with Remus to Yorkshire?'

'Of course,' Snape said coldly.

'I have spoken with Remus, and he would very much like you to go with him. He is leaving tomorrow morning…'

'Very well.'

'You will go?'

'Yes, Headmaster.'

'Good, good… Severus?'

'Yes, Headmaster?'

'You will be – gentle – with him, will you not?'

Sparks of indignation flew in Snape's black eyes, but he merely nodded, his brows drawn down and his thin lips pressed together.

'Of course you will be,' Dumbledore said absent-mindedly, almost to himself. 'Well, I must speak to Minerva McGonagall… I don't suppose I shall see you before you go… so take care of him, and I'll see you in a week or so.'

'Goodbye, Sir,' Snape said.

He shut up all the wizard books carefully and put them away one by one – prevaricating, he knew. He snorted in disgust with himself before striding off purposefully to find Remus.

The door to the little downstairs study, Remus's favourite room, was ajar. Snape peered round the door, unwilling to disturb him. Remus was standing in front of the big bay window, arms crossed defensively across his chest, staring at the glowing red sun in the early evening sky.

Snape coughed, and Remus spun round. In the fading light his golden eyes looked utterly desolate.

'How are you Lupin – Remus?' Snape asked, looking at the forlorn figure.

'Fine,' Remus replied evasively.

'We are to go to Yorkshire tomorrow?'

'Yes, if it's no trouble…'

'No, it's no trouble.'

'But Severus -'

'What?'

'In three nights it will be full moon.'

In the silence that followed, Remus stood miserably biting his lip. Snape hung his head, a thousand conflicting thoughts flashing through his mind.

'Is that a problem?' he asked eventually. 'I will bring Wolfsbane and consequently will be in no danger, so there should be no difficulty. Now, food. You live in the middle of nowhere, I am told.'

'Pretty much, yes.'

'We had better take provisions -'

'I'll sort it.'

'Oh – very well. So – I think that is all. We can floo, I assume. Nine a.m. tomorrow? In here?'

'Fine.'

'Remus.' Snape took a step towards him. He saw that Remus was crying quietly.

'Severus, please, there's nothing you can do…'

'Remus, I want to help.'

'No one can help. _No one_.'

At the finality in his tone, Snape backed away again and left the room. He closed the door gently and went back upstairs. He was too restless to sit and read so spent half an hour prowling around, looking for someone or something to vent his pain and frustration on. That unfortunate someone happened to be Nymphadora Tonks. She was whistling loudly and tunelessly as she messed around with a boggart. Whatever the boggart turned into, she would immediately copy. The poor boggart was getting horribly confused and was looking to retreat back to a nice dark corner.

Snape saw the boggart and then the mirror image Tonks and his blood seethed with rage as he remembered Neville Longbottom's greatest fear, and how he had made that fear laughable, in Lupin's own class no less.

'_What_ do you think you are doing?' he asked in tones of utmost rage.

'Nothing,' Tonks said defensively as the boggart scuttled off into a cupboard and she changed back form a shuffling zombie into Nymphadora Tonks with a little 'pop'.

'Don't you think there are better, more worthwhile pursuits you could be indulging in? We are, after all, fighting the most powerful, evil wizard of all time at the moment! Surely you could think of something more useful to be doing?!'

'It's my day off…'

'Do you think the _Dark Lord_ takes days off?!'

'No, but _I_ _do_!'

'You are a disgrace Nymphadora Tonks -'

'Hey, hang on a minute. _How_ exactly am I a disgrace? I was just having a bit of fun! Maybe you don't understand that mate -'

'_I am not your mate_!'

'For Merlin's sake, Snape, will you just calm down? I don't know why on earth you're getting so angry. This has nothing to do with you – just leave me alone, eh?'

'You're wasting valuable Order hours! You could be conducting research or -'

'Poking my nose into other people's business? Yelling at people for no reason? Hassling poor Remus?'

'I was_ not hassling him_! Just because you don't understand anything doesn't mean _nobody_ does! Just because you haven't ever -'

'What's going on?' said Remus asked mildly. He had entered unnoticed.

'Oh, nothing,' muttered Snape angrily.

'Nothing? You call _this_ nothing? Remus, Snape here has just been bawling me out for having a bit of fun in my life – unlike _him_.'

'Why, Severus?'

'She's irresponsible, careless, she's wasting time,' Snape said half-heartedly.

'Everybody needs a bit of time off,' Remus said gently. 'Even you. I was thinking of going down to the park – do you want to come?'

'Oh – er,' Snape said, wrong footed. 'I suppose – I'm not doing anything specific -'

'Great,' Remus said and gave a little smile at Tonks behind Snape's back. She looked dumbstruck at the ease with which Remus had completely calmed Snape down.

'Thanks,' she mouthed at him, relieved.

* * *

A few minutes later, Remus and Snape were walking down quiet London back streets to the local park. Remus was swinging a bag and eventually Snape's curiosity conquered his embarrassed reticence that had caused them to walk in silence since they left the house.

'What have you got?' he asked.

'Oh – this – it's bread… the ducks have ducklings,' Remus said with a smile.

'Oh,' said Snape. Whatever he had been expecting, it wasn't that.

'Ever fed the ducks?' Remus asked with just the faintest trace of irony in his voice.

Snape shot him a glance to see if he was having fun poked at him, but could detect no hidden agenda in Remus's face, the tear stains still apparent on it. They made him reply 'No, I haven't' more gently than perhaps he would otherwise have done.

'Ah, they're so sweet!' Remus replied with more enthusiasm in his voice than Snape had heard since Sirius's death. Snape decided he had to encourage that.

'I'm sure I'll enjoy it,' he said soberly, and Remus laughed – actually laughed!

'Don't sound so excited,' he said, mocking Snape but very very gently, and against his will, against everything Snape had lived his life by, he laughed too.

'It will be an experience,' he said, and Remus nodded, still chuckling a little and wondering whether that was actually the first time he had ever heard Snape laugh genuinely, rather than giving his twisted sardonic smile.

They arrived at the park, a little oasis of green tranquillity. They could still hear the cars crawling past and the shrill beeping of traffic lights, but down by the lake only the tall serene skyscrapers in the distance could be seen.

'We have to be quiet,' Remus whispered and Severus nodded. His everyday self condemned such weakness and sentimentality, but buried beneath that was a very big part of him that enjoyed being away from Grimmaud Place, alone with a Remus who seemed much more light-hearted than he had for days, weeks. "And of course," he justified it to himself, "I am merely doing my duty to Dumbledore and the Order by being here."

Sure enough, as Remus threw a few bits of bread a fair distance away, near some dense bushes, first a brown duck and then five fluffy yellow ducklings came waddling out. The duck quacked happily, and the ducklings attempted to imitate her but they could only produce a wheezy squeak. Remus laughed delightedly under his breath and sat down cross-legged on the grass, pushing his wayward brown hair out of his eyes. Snape thought of the teenager Lupin had been, and thought he look much as he had back then. If you disregarded the grey in his hair and the lines of suffering etched on his forehead and around his smiling mouth, that is.

'How did you know about them?' Snape murmured.

Remus looked up at him. 'I like to come down here, very early. They're out then, wandering around… you should see them swim, all in a line…'

He threw more bread, a little closer, and the ducklings eagerly devoured it, then came closer still.

'Sit down – it's more or less dry,' Remus breathed.

Snape felt his dignity begin to protest but then thought "Why not?" and slowly, cautiously, he seated himself awkwardly, pulling his robes around himself and exposing his bony ankles.

Out of the corner of his eye, Remus observed Snape watching the ducks intently as if studying them for some impending exam. Wordlessly, he handed a chunk of stale bread to Snape. Snape's eyes opened, startled, and he looked for a moment as if he would refuse but then he followed Remus's lead, throwing little bits of bread to the wheezing ducklings. His painfully acute self-awareness ebbed away and before long he was smiling as ingenuously as Remus. Remus shot a sideways glance, and repressed a chuckle that would have undoubtedly broken the spell.

Eventually, though, the bread ran out. The ducks lost interest, as ducks will, and the mother led her babies to the water.

'Oh, they're going to swim!' Remus said happily, but Snape had lost his childlike smile. Remus could guess the conflict going on inside him: "Have I embarrassed myself? Did I let my guard down? Has anyone _seen_ me? Has anyone seen _me_?" He shook his head and forbore to ask Snape whether he had enjoyed himself

Surprisingly though, Snape lost his frown and volunteered that information himself.

'You're right,' he said thoughtfully. 'That is… fun.'

Severus Snape, having fun…

Remus wanted to say something but he didn't want to risk Snape retreating defensively back into his shell. Instead he just watched the ducks swim, preoccupied.

Finally, when they had had enough exercise, the brown duck maternally shepherded them back into the tangled undergrowth where they quickly disappeared from view.

Snape turned to Remus.

'Thank you,' he said sincerely, and they both knew he meant for more than their little excursion.

'I owed you a favour anyway,' Remus said. With a sickening jolt his thoughts came back to normal from their dreamlike, unreal state and he winced, and passed a trembling hand over his forehead. His happy, relaxed demeanour fled from him, chased away by the shadows closing in around him. Night was falling.

Snape knew instantly, but he didn't know what to say.

'The ducklings are pretty,' he hazarded finally, desperately. "Clumsy!" he thought furiously.

'There were seven,' Remus replied dully. 'Two have been taken by a fox – or people. "All that lives is born to die",' he quoted.

'That is what life is,' said Snape. He didn't know if he was helping; he thought not.

'But then – can life just be waiting – waiting for death?'

'Essentially, it is. But that is only a small part – and yet, too huge for us to comprehend,' Snape replied. He didn't care for the turn the conversation was taking, but he didn't know how to divert it, or where to divert it too. And besides, it wasn't as if Severus Snape, Death Eater turned spy, didn't think about death. He thought about it constantly, in constant technicolour permutations of pain. The only possibility he had not visualised involved him, in bed, at a great old age, surrounded by weeping family and friends.

'Do you believe in anything – afterwards?' Remus said. Snape's immediate response would have been an emphatic 'No', but he knew the question really meant, 'Do you think I will ever see Sirius away?'

'I honestly don't know what to believe. How _can_ I know?'

'You can't. Neither can I. But I know I don't believe – oh Sirius, I'm sorry, I don't believe,' Remus said in agony. His eyes were narrowed with pain that he could not comprehend.

'_Your_ belief or not makes no difference… Remus, don't torture yourself. None of this is your fault. It just – happened. Things, senseless brutal _wrong_ things, do happen.'

'But why? Why did this happen? Why did I have to lose the only person I've ever really loved? It seems my whole life is cursed.'

Snape thought Lupin seemed in danger of getting slightly hysterical, and he wondered at it. Remus suffering he could understand, and pity, but to him Remus always seemed so down to earth, so sensible, that this was quite out of character. He felt afraid, and wished Dumbledore was there.

'Come on, Remus, let's go back, shall we? You have things to get ready, I know – so do I – I think you could do with a cup of tea…'

Remus suffered himself to be led home, his breath coming in sobbing painful gasps as he battled against the cruel finality of Sirius's fate.

When they entered the kitchen, Tonks was there. She took one look at the concerned expression on Snape's face, and at the pitiful state of agitation Remus was in, and fled.

Snape quickly made Remus a cup of tea and brought it over to him.

'Here you go,' he said. 'Now, drink it please; it will help. I've put lots of milk in it.'

What he had also put in it was a healing potion to bring dreamless sleep.

Remus took a few sips, his teeth chattered on the rim of the earthenware mug. Then he started to calm down somewhat.

'Sorry,' he said in a quiet, ashamed voice.

'Do not distress yourself,' Snape replied.

'Are you sure you want to come with me to Daxton?'

'Now more than ever before.'

Remus stared at him with those haunted, compelling golden eyes. The soft expression in Snape's black ones comforted him, and he drank the rest of his tea in silence.

'Why don't you go to bed?' Snape asked as he finished the last drop.

'But I have so much to sort out…'

'I'll do it.'

'Well – if you're sure – I do feel rather sleepy…'

'I _am_ sure. Do you want a hand?' For Remus had risen unsteadily.

'Please…'

Snape took his arm and gently propelled him upstairs to his room, where he sank onto his bed and fell asleep almost immediately.

Snape stood watching, his face unreadable. He stepped forward suddenly and smoothed back Remus's brown hair off his flushed face, then sat on the edge of the bed looking down at him.

Unbeknownst to him, Tonks stood in the doorway watching with round blue eyes, as he started to speak.

'I don't think you want pity, but I can't help it, I'm afraid. You're so vulnerable – now more than even when you were at school, I think… I can't help but hate Black for doing this to you – but you love him so much. I trust you, Remus, so I admit I must have been mistaken about him. How could _you_ ever love anyone who didn't deserve it? Oh… I wish _I_ could deserve it…I could be happy, _we_ could be happy. No more spying, no more Voldemort, no teaching, nothing but you and I. Naïve of me… I know this could never happen but it doesn't stop me hoping… it's just so undignified – unrequited love – it hurts and it makes me act like I despise you and what you are when it's just _not_ _true_. I'm sorry Remus, for the way I've treated you. You must know I don't think you're an animal, not at all, you're more of a man than I. I'm just so – damned – proud… Snape blood, you know. It's almost impossibly hard to admit this even though you can't hear it. Doing it when you're awake would be beyond me. But I'm sorry, and I will try to make you happy again, however I can.'

Tonks' mouth had fallen open during this extraordinary speech. He turned to go – where, she didn't know – but her accursed clumsiness asserted itself and she tripped over her feet. Remus slept on, but Snape started, and strode to the open door where he saw Tonks scrambling to her feet.

'You were listening,' Snape hissed violently. 'If you ever, _ever_ tell him what I said, I'll – I'll…' A vein throbbed in his temple and his eyes flashed with rage and – was it – embarrassment?

'I'm sorry,' Tonks muttered miserably. 'I'm sorry for listening, and I'm sorry I misjudged you so badly…'

'Misjudged me?' Snape gave a hollow laugh. 'I hope for your sake you don't underestimate me too. Just keep quiet, Miss Tonks, or I will make you wish you had never been born.' He gave her one final glare before stalking off upstairs to his room. She watched him go in amazement.

'What just happened?' she said finally to the empty hall.

* * *

Upstairs in the attic, Snape was berating himself for his stupidity, for letting his guard down. He strode about the room, his robes swishing behind him, muttering angrily.

He spent maybe ten minutes in this unfruitful pursuit before recalling the preparations which needed to be made before the departure tomorrow. With difficulty, he suppressed his violent emotions and strode wrathfully downstairs.

The kitchen was empty. He walked over to the food cupboard. That was empty too. He cursed and then stood pondering his next move.

Twenty minutes later he was to be found wearing muggle trousers and a shirt, carrying a wire basket around the local Sainsbury's Central. He stood under harsh neon lights, more than a little baffled, gazing upon an array of brightly labelled tins. He reached a hesitant hand out, reminded himself that Remus was a vegetarian, and decided to play it safe with vegetable soups, baked beans, bread and a large quantity of fruit and vegetables and, as an afterthought, tea bags and a couple of mammoth bars of chocolate.

As confusing as the whole food selecting experience was to him (as Severus Snape had never cooked in his life), paying was yet more difficult. He sat the basket on a black rubber strip which made him jump when it jerked into life and began to slide his selections forward. The adolescent sitting behind the counter looked at him curiously, even more as he fumbled with the muggle money he had brought from his emergency stash.

'That'll be twenty-five pounds sixty-seven mate,' the boy said.

Snape stared at the numbers on the pieces of paper he held, and eventually handed over two, from which he received a handful of strange little coins.

'Thank you, please come again,' the boy said like an automaton.

Snape nodded curtly at him, but muttered something which sounded suspiciously like, 'Not in this lifetime.'

He stalked home carrying his bags, then abandoned them in the kitchen to change out of his muggle clothes and pack his black carpet bag with a few spare identical black robes, and some potions, and a few ancient books. Then he stood in a dilemma. Should he pack Remus's things?

In the end, he decided yes. The sleeping draught he had given him would easily knock him out for twelve hours and he would most likely feel a bit disorientated when he awoke.

He tiptoed into Remus's room where the werewolf lay fully clothed, tangled in his blankets, with feverishly pink cheeks. Careful not to look at him, Snape moved quietly around gathering Remus's few belongings together and packing them neatly in his shabby, disintegrating suitcase. With a few taps of his wand, Snape fixed the falling-off handle and fraying straps. Finally, carefully, he picked up a black and white photograph of a very young Remus being enthusiastically and unashamedly kissed by an equally young and very handsome Sirius. He stared at the photo. The two pulled apart and grinned; Remus shyly, tucking his hair behind his ear, and Sirius putting his arms around his lover. Remus smiled up at him and Sirius gazed back down at him with an expression of overt adoration in his eyes.

Tearing his own black eyes away, Snape laid down the photo gently on top of the folded clothes and buckled down the top. Then he left the room to pace about until the early hours when finally, worn out with nervous energy, he slept.


	7. Realities Undreamt

No one is more surprised than I that I'm updating this particular story!

* * *

This time, as Sirius rolled over and groaned on the cold hard floor of the now-familiar room, he saw a grey shape next to him. Immediately memories flooded back and he remembered that this shape was in fact Remus, not _his_ Remus, but a Remus who was desperate to find a Sirius and another chance of happiness.

He got painfully to his feet and stretched out his back, thrusting his hips forwards, before bending over the prone figure in front of him.

'Remus?' he said softly. 'Are you alright?'

Remus opened his eyes slowly, before bolting to his feet and staring wildly. Then he seemed to remember, and relaxed, laughed a little.

'We made it,' he said.

'Trust me, the novelty of finding yourself in yet another world wears off pretty fast,' Sirius told him, heartfelt.

'I can believe it… so, what now?'

'To the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix…'

'What? The Order's back together?'

Sirius gaped. 'Yes – of course, you don't know, I suppose. Well, you must know Voldemort's on the rise again…'

'Yes, but no-one told me about the Order!'

'I suppose Dumbledore thought you had had enough of all that.'

'Well, he could have asked me! He must know where I live! And I can't get my hands on an owl! I snapped my wand so I can't get into Diagon Alley!'

Sirius thought briefly how unutterably sexy Remus was when he was angry, but quenched that thought and instead placated him.

'Wherever you end up, you can help, if that's what you want. And we should go to Ollivander's right away.'

'Of course it's what I want. Much as I'd like a peaceful life with no murderous maniacs trying to take over the world, that's not the way things are. I couldn't forgive myself for not helping to make the world a safer place when other people are fighting and dying. There are some things worth dying for.'

Sirius smiled at him, with his cheeks red and his eyes sparkling with indignation.

'Come on, Re… mus. Let's go.'

One _crack_ later and they were outside 11 and 13 Grimmaud Place. Dawn was breaking, the sky a beautiful pearly grey splintered with gold.

'Damn, I forgot. You can't get in – Dumbledore's Secret Keeper and if you've not been here… you wander off, and I'll come back and get you when I've got a note from him; is that okay?'

'Yes, that's fine. I'll be down the road.'

As soon as Remus disappeared, Sirius concentrated hard and number 12 appeared, squeezing its way between the surrounding houses. He let himself in quietly and headed into the kitchen. Then he froze.

Remus was in the kitchen, and so was – Severus Snape. And – they were kissing. Snape's arms were wrapped possessively round Remus.

It was Remus who caught sight of them first, and he sprang up with a shout.

'Sirius! What – how…'

'Surprised to see me?' Sirius spat.

'Surprised?!'

'Didn't waste any time getting with Snivellus, did you?' Sirius snapped.

Now this Remus was angry. 'I've told you time and again not to call him that. We've been together for almost a decade and you still persist in this childish vendetta! Now, please, explain how the hell you got here! Sirius, I saw you die with my own eyes! I saw the _Avada Kedavra _hit you, I saw the light leave your eyes, I felt your pulse and there was nothing. Nothing. It's your funeral tomorrow!'

'A decade?' Sirius said wonderingly, waving a nonchalant arm at the rest of Remus's speech. It seemed unimportant compared to _this_.

'You know full well!'

'But – no, Re, it can't be true. It can't be!' And he looked at Snape with deep animosity.

'I love him, Sirius. How many times will we have to have this conversation? I thought you'd finished with this – I thought you'd realised that I'm happy!'

Now Snape spoke for the first time.

'Remus, sweet, calm down. I think there's something rather odd going on here. Let Sirius explain what's going on, won't you?'

Sirius almost jumped to hear himself so civilly addressed by his old enemy. He looked more closely at Snape – his hair shorter and clean, his eyes soft black, his skin pale but not sallow. Even his nose seemed smaller. And he was wearing green!

Remus nodded and shot Snape an adoring glance that made Sirius nearly mad with jealousy. Snape returned the glance with equal affection.

'I fell through the Veil in the Department of Mysteries whilst fighting Bellatrix Lestrange,' he said, addressing himself solely to Remus. 'I keep ending up in different realities – oh, it's hard to explain, I don't understand myself, but the upshot is, I keep going through the Veil trying to get home.'

Snape's eyes were wide. 'No one has ever met anyone who has passed through the Veil,' he breathed.

'Well, maybe they didn't try very hard,' Sirius said with distaste. 'But I have a very good reason to try my best.'

Snape looked at him narrowly. 'You're in love with Remus, aren't you? The Remus in your world.'

'Of course I am!' Sirius exclaimed.

This strange Remus stared.

'But,' Sirius continued, 'I forgot. I have someone outside – someone who's never been into the Order headquarters in his own world, for his own reasons. May I bring him in?'

'Who is it?' Remus asked.

'Well – it's _you_.'

'A different Remus? Not yours, and not mine?'

'Yes, a Remus who's been living as a muggle. He snapped his wand – had no way of learning of the war.'

'Yes, I think it would be fine if he came in,' said Snape slowly. 'I have a chit from Dumbledore, to allow someone in if he is not present.'

'May I take it to him, then?' Sirius said, forcing himself to speak civilly.

Snape handed it over. Sirius inclined his head coldly in thanks, and re-emerged into the now golden morning.

He soon found Remus loitering at the end of the road and took him back to where number 12 belonged. He read the note, concentrated on it and sure enough, the house emerged from its hiding place.

'Before we go in,' Sirius said uncomfortably, 'there's something you should know. There's a Remus here and, er, it seems he's with Snape.' His voice left the meaning of his ambiguous phrasing in no doubt whatsoever.

'With _Severus_?' Remus echoed incredulously.

'No accounting for tastes,' Sirius said, raising his eyebrows, and he led the way in.

There followed an awkward meeting, though both Remuses were as polite and friendly as they knew how to be. Snape made coffee, to Sirius's secret astonishment, and it didn't taste as though he'd poisoned it.

'So,' Snape's-Remus asked muggle-Remus, 'why are you travelling with Sirius?'

Muggle-Remus flushed to his roots.

'When Sirius arrived at my shop yesterday, he made me realise – everything I'd done, my whole life, wasn't the best I could be doing, the life I'd choose for myself if I could choose. I'd spent all my time going for the easier option, the safe option and all of a sudden it felt like this was my last chance to really _do_ something, to have adventures like I've always read about, to really _live_.

'And,' he added, catching Sirius's eye, 'I have a goal, as well as Sirius. When I was young, at school, before James and Lily were betrayed, I loved Sirius. Thinking that he had sold his friends to Voldemort – it destroyed something in me. It made me somehow apathetic, listless; I didn't really care deeply about anything or anyone. I knew I ought to forget him. But this Sirius told me that it was Peter, not him, who did – it – and all of a sudden everything changed. I felt I'd betrayed Sirius by believing him guilty, though what else _could_ I have believed? And I've never forgotten him.

'I want – this sounds so silly, but I want to find a place where there is a Sirius who I can tell everything to, and just maybe we can have the life together that my Sirius and I ought to have had.'

'What happened to your Sirius?' the other Remus asked softly.

Remus looked down and his voice shook as he replied, 'Albus owled me. He said that he got the Dementors' Kiss. He'd escaped from Azkaban and gone to Hogwarts – he'd found out Peter was there and was trying to protect Harry so he killed Peter in the Shrieking Shack.'

Snape's-Remus flinched.

'That happened here – the confrontation in the Shrieking Shack, I mean,' he said. 'But I was there. We captured Peter – Harry wouldn't let us kill him.'

'But how did you get him to Hogwarts?' Sirius asked. 'In _my_ world, we'd captured him too, but you – transformed, and he escaped.'

'Transformed?' the new Remus echoed.

'Yes, you know,' Sirius said impatiently. 'Into Moony.'

'Who is Moony?' Severus asked.

'What – what do you mean?' muggle-Remus stammered, staring at his double. Suddenly he noticed the other Remus's eyes. They were blue.

'You're not a werewolf,' he exclaimed, not a question but a statement.

'A _werewolf_?! Why on earth would you think he's a – dear Merlin, in your world – in both of your worlds – he's a werewolf?' Snape said incredulously.

Sirius and muggle-Remus both nodded.

'I remember my mother telling me that I had a very close call when I was about four,' this alien Remus said, 'but my dad shot the wolf just before it bit me. Just – I can't believe this – in other worlds, my dad didn't get there in time…'

'So what do you do? For a job, I mean,' muggle-Remus asked, thinking perhaps he ought to change the subject.

'I'm a Healer at St. Mungo's,' Snape's-Remus replied, and the other Remus nodded sadly.

'Yes, that's what I would have done, if I could have,' he said.

'And my Remus,' added Sirius softly.

There was a silence.

'So what will you do now?' asked Snape's-Remus eventually.

'Go back to the Ministry again and try and find somewhere else, I suppose,' muggle-Remus said.

'So you'll just keep going from place to place on the off-chance of finding – Sirius?'

'Yes,' Remus replied, squaring his chin determinedly. 'I will. Somewhere there must be a Sirius without a me.'

Gently, this world's Remus broke it to him that this was not that place. He told him how there had been a battle in the Ministry and Bellatrix Lestrange had fired off a killing curse that had hit Sirius square in the chest. Muggle-Remus blanched, but retained his composure as Snape's-Remus patted him on the shoulder.

They continued to make conversation, Snape interjecting from time to time, whilst Sirius sat lost in thought.

If only _his_ Remus didn't have to go through the agony and fear every month…

But would they still feel the same about each other?

He listened to everything this new Remus said. He was like his Remus; the polite consideration towards even the most unexpected of guests; the wish to make everyone feel at ease and happy; even the unobtrusive love that shone from him for Snape Sirius recognised as being the love that Remus bore for he himself.

But then, this Remus loved Snape.

It was almost impossible to admit, even just to himself, but his monthly suffering had made Remus into the person he loved so wholeheartedly. He knew that now, if he could, he would free Remus from the curse of lycanthropy, but if asked to wipe out every single transformation of his lover's life… well, he wasn't sure, and what's more, he wasn't sure that Remus would either. He didn't love Remus's pain, and he didn't love the timidity and desperation to please that it had branded onto Remus, but he loved the result, he _must_ do.

Did that make him far more of a monster than Remus ever could be? He wasn't sure. He looked down at his hands twisted in his lap and sighed. Perhaps he should try not to think about him, as unlikely as that was to happen. So much desperation and yearning… he wasn't sure how long he could stand it.

He wanted to have another go at the Veil, but the day's sun was blazing, and he guessed it must be 9. The Ministry would be filling up with people, and there was no way he could breeze on in there, let alone with this "muggle" Remus in tow.

'I need to…' he began, and then wasn't sure. Sleep? No chance. Food, no, though he hadn't eaten since yesterday evening. Without finishing his question, he stood up.

'Where are you going?' asked his protégé.

'Upstairs. The library,' he said.

'Could I come with you? I've not seen this house. I didn't know the Blacks lived in London.'

'Okay,' he said brusquely, not happy about having his privacy invaded. Looking at Remus, he was sure he knew this, but he didn't back down.

'Thanks,' he said to the other Remus, carefully ignoring Snape. 'I'll be upstairs.'

'Are you sure you don't want anything?'

'Yes, thank you.'

With that, he departed with Remus in tow, leaving Snape and Snape's Remus in the kitchen.

Snape put a gentle hand on Remus's leg.

'Are you alright?' he said in his low voice.

'Yes – yes, I am.'

'This is all very hard to swallow, isn't it? If you hadn't seen them too, I'd think I was running mad.'

'Severus…'

'Yes?'

'Would you still love me if… if…'

'If you were a werewolf?'

'Yes.'

'How can you even ask such a thing?' Severus said seriously. He gently grasped Remus's chin and lifted it so his lover was staring into his eyes. 'Nothing could make me feel any differently about you. I love you, whatever.'

Remus grinned. 'Oh, I know!'

Severus's eyes were soft pools of affection as he surveyed Remus.

'You know, people would think Sirius and the other Remus are mad… but if I lost you, I'd do anything, _anything_, to get back to you, no matter how small the chance that I would manage it.'

Remus kissed him softly on the lips and then leant his head against Severus's shoulder and closed his eyes.

* * *

Meanwhile, Sirius was frantically going through all the books on magical history he could find in the library.

'Nothing!' he yelled after about half an hour. 'Fuck!'

Remus was sitting watching him, chin propped in hand, golden eyes watchful and sympathetic.

'This is pointless,' Sirius spat. 'Let's go to Diagon Alley for your wand.'

'_Can_ you?'

'Oh, _fuck_.' Remus raised his eyebrows. 'Buggery wankfuck cockarse bollocking -'

'Sirius. Let's go and ask Severus and, er, me. They caught Peter, remember? It should be fine.'

They traipsed downstairs, Sirius still swearing under his breath, and went into the kitchen. No sign.

'Living room,' Sirius suggested, and led Remus through the passages into the airiest room in the house.

They walked in on Remus and Snape kissing again. Sirius swore a bit more, but quietly, and muggle-Remus cleared his throat, blushing.

'Sorry to interrupt,' he said gently, and the other Remus smiled at him and held Snape's hand. 'I was just wondering about your world's Sirius. When you captured Peter, you cleared his name?'

Sirius turned to Snape and Remus and explained. 'We need to go to Ollivander's for a wand for Remus, you know, and in my world I can't go out, spies and Ministry and Death Eaters everywhere, all of whom would kill me soon as look at me.'

'You poor thing,' Snape's-Remus said gently. 'You must have been terribly frustrated.'

'Damn right I was, even when Re was there with me – he was off most of the time, Order stuff. And it all got too much, and fucking Snape and his needling, and I went to help Harry at the Ministry and ended up in another fucking universe with Re probably thinking I'm dead.'

He looked caught painfully between rage and desperation, standing with fists clenching and unclenching, grey eyes glowing fiercely. For that reason, the other three said nothing, though Snape looked sorely tempted to give as good as he – or his _alter ego_ – had got.

'You'll be fine,' said Snape's-Remus eventually. 'Severus's Veritaserum cleared everything up in minutes. You're – you _were_ – a free man.'

'Good.'

'Thank you,' said muggle-Remus apologetically. 'I'm not sure if we'll come back…'

'You should,' Snape said decisively. 'Have some food, some rest, before you move on. I'll have a look in a couple of books, see if I can find out anything about the Veil.'

'You won't be able to,' Sirius said, his voice utterly defeated. 'I spoke to Albus – a different Albus – he had no idea.'

'But maybe in this world things are different,' Snape's-Remus said soothingly. 'Come back before you go, please. Please. You're not the Sirius from my world, but almost certainly you'll be the last time I see him, talk to him.'

'I'll come back,' Sirius said softly. Then he turned and left, muggle-Remus following him.

* * *

He Side-Along apparated them to the Leaky Cauldron and tapped the brick impatiently before the two of them entered Diagon Alley.

'You know, this is the first time I have been here for decades as myself,' he said quietly.

'You come as Padfoot?'

'Occasionally I did, although the Death Eaters now know about him so that's it, no more jaunts.'

'I cannot imagine what it must be like, being locked up in the house you hate.'

'Difficult,' Sirius said shortly. 'But I'm not there all time. Sometimes Remus and I Floo back to his house in Yorkshire. It's in the middle of nowhere, so I can go outside, breathe clean air, run as fast as I can, as far as I can. But we only ever go together; I wouldn't go without him. There's stuff I can do for the Order in London, even though I spend most of the time feeling useless, and I have no desire to spend time in paradise if Re is in danger. It makes me feel better to be at headquarters when he's away.'

Remus nodded, his eyes full of compassion.

The two men walked through into the hustle and bustle of Diagon Alley and turned left.

'Is it alright if you go to Ollivander's alone?' asked Sirius. 'I want to see if I can find a book about – well, a book.'

'That's fine – I'll see you in Fortescue's in an hour or so?'

Sirius grinned. 'If I get there first, I'll order you a triple chocolate sundae with chocolate chips and hot chocolate sauce,' he said.

'How did you know – oh. Okay!' Remus said, and left him.

Sirius turned right and walked swiftly down the road. He took a dismal little turning and found himself in Knockturn Alley, walking quickly until he found the shop he was looking for.

He entered, and the bell above the door rang. Immediately an elderly woman with wild white hair materialised.

'Can I help you?' she enquired dispassionately.

'I'm looking for any book on the Veil in the Ministry of Magic, or other worlds,' Sirius said boldly.

Her eyes narrowed and she stared at Sirius until he felt uncomfortable.

'I think I have what you want,' she said, 'but it's not for sale. Nevertheless you are welcome to have a look at it.'

She motioned to him to follow before disappearing into the back of the shop. As Sirius followed, a curtain fell behind him, shutting out the daylight. Dimly, he could see hundreds of books on rickety shelves lining the walls.

The woman led him to a tiny dark room. Lighting the candles, she turned and retrieved a dusty old volume from one of the shelves. It didn't escape Sirius's notice that it required a password to remove it, and she cast some powerful protective charms over it before giving it to him.

'Could I possibly have a quill and some parchment, please?'

She handed writing equipment to him, and turned to leave. At the door she paused, and her deep dark eyes were full of sorrow as she said, 'I fear you will not find what it is you seek.' She then left.

His heart hammering against his ribs, Sirius barely heard her. He sat down and gingerly opened the book. On the title page, there was a picture of the veil, the runes on the archway surrounding it drawn clearly in spiky black marks.

_Realities Undreamt_, the title was.

Flicking eagerly to the back, Sirius found an index and searched frantically – _returning_ – nothing. He started at A and worked through systematically looking for headings that could help him. When he got to J, he found something – _Journeying – in between worlds._

His heart leapt and he flicked to the relevant page.

_Many have wished to journey to other worlds. Few have managed to do so, and none have returned in living memory_, the book said. _We can only conclude that leaping between the worlds believed to exist is a mere matter of luck, or fate. Truly, the brave soul who chooses to attempt the leap must harden his heart to the world he leaves for we know not of any who can make a return to his own world a certain, or even likely, event._

_So for those who wish to explore realities undreamt, we caution you. Do not leave behind anything you can bear to live without! For ye will sorely miss it and yet will never be able to return to it._

Sirius looked up. His nose prickled and before he knew it he was crying, fat tears of pain and loss. He buried his head in his hands and wept for Remus, who he had left behind so accidentally and who, he finally began to believe, he should never see again.

* * *

Time had passed, he wasn't sure how much, when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and a steaming mug of tea was placed in front of him.

'You knew, didn't you?'

'Yes,' the old woman said simply, and sipped her tea.

'How?'

'You're not the first to want answers from that book,' she said softly. 'Didn't you wonder why it wasn't for sale?'

'You lost someone,' Sirius stated.

'Yes,' she said again.

'You know, this isn't the first world I've been in, or the second,' Sirius said with a faint glimmer of hope. 'There can only be so…'

He trailed off. The woman's eyes were round and incredulous.

'You are a Traveller?' she asked breathlessly.

'Yes, I suppose I am.'

'You are the first I've met! How did you get here?'

'Fell through the Veil at the Ministry of Magic,' Sirius said.

'The Veil! This Veil?' And she showed him the picture in the front of_ Realities Undreamt_.

Sirius nodded.

'And you've been to many other worlds?' she asked eagerly.

'A couple – so far.'

'Will you be going on?'

'Oh yes,' Sirius said with determination.

The woman stretched her gnarled fingers around her tea and smiled.

'You want to get back,' she said. 'You left someone.'

'Yes.'

'A lover?'

'Yes.'

'My own lover left me. We were barely twenty three, both of us. I was studying Magical History, she was training to be an auror. But she found this book and her mind was captured. She could think of nothing but seeing these new worlds. There was no peace for her; our life together could not take her mind from travelling to all these places unseen. She toiled – the book tells you how to find other worlds; it's not just the Veil – and she succeeded. I got home – our home – one day and there was a note.

'_I think I've cracked it, Berenice! I love you but you know I have to go. I swear to you, though, if there is a way back I shall find it._

'I suppose she never found that way back,' Berenice concluded. 'Her name was Andromeda – the chained maiden. I suppose it was inevitable. She found a way to escape her chains. I just wish she could have taken me with her. And ever since, I have kept the book. Those who look for people who are lost find me eventually, but they find little comfort. And I would not show the book to those who seek other worlds. There is no joy in it.'

Sirius laid his hand on one of her fragile old ones, the thin skin translucent.

'I left Remus,' he said. 'I have to get back. I never wanted to leave, and I will never rest until I return or until I die. And I am sure Andromeda is still trying to return to you.'

Berenice smiled sadly at him. 'You are kind, you are young and strong and determined. You will return if it is possible. But I fear my Anderomeda is gone from me forever. I have given up my hope and made peace. I just hope she has.'

'I have to go,' Sirius said reluctantly. 'I have someone to meet. It's – well, it's very bizarre. He is Remus, but from another world. It's like torment – to travel with him. But he wasn't happy in his world, and he begged me to take him with me.'

'Goodbye – I don't even know your name.'

'I'm Sirius – Sirius Black.'

She took his hand and squeezed it.

'Thank you' she whispered, 'for giving an old woman hope.'

Sirius left the shop and walked down Knockturn Alley and back into the sun and noise of Diagon Alley. He arrived at Fortescue's to find Remus already there, deep in conversation with Florian himself.

'Oh hello,' Remus smiled at him. Then, noticing tear stains, 'is anything wrong?'

'I'm fine,' Sirius said, shaking his head.

'What can I get for sir?'

'I'll have a coffee please. Very strong.'

'No ice cream?' Remus asked, looking scandalised.

'No thank you.'

'Could you please bring us a spare spoon, Florian? Just in case.'

Remus twinkled across the table at Sirius, who felt like his heart would break. The twinkle was such a Remus twinkle, the ice cream comment so like his Remus, and the memory of the despair cast by _Realities Undreamt_ lay across his heart like a pall.

The twinkle slid from Remus's face. 'What's wrong? Didn't you find your book?'

'I found it,' Sirius said. 'But I found no good news in it.'

Remus frowned. 'I'm sorry,' he said quietly. 'But surely, you are no better off than before, but no worse?'

'No, I suppose not,' Sirius said, trying to pull himself together. 'I _knew_ there were infinite worlds, I had no good way of navigating before. It's just – it seems to have made all the doubts and worries I had solidify into insurmountable obstacles.'

Remus said nothing. He wordlessly proffered a cigarette which was accepted.

They sat in silence, until Sirius had drunk his coffee and finished his cigarette. He felt a little more cheerful.

'That,' he said, vanishing the butt, 'was disgusting. Can I try your ice cream, please?'

Remus smiled. 'I knew you'd come round!' he said gleefully.

'So did you get a wand?'

Remus pulled out a shiny pale stick. 'Cedar, werewolf fur core, springy, 10 and a half inches,' he announced.

'Did Ollivander know you were a werewolf?' Sirius asked curiously. 'Only my Remus has a werewolf fur core too.'

'He knows everything,' Remus said simply. 'He told me he was fairly interested to see what magic I could perform, being a werewolf. It was a little creepy, to be honest.'

'He is a bit, isn't he,' Sirius agreed absent-mindedly, fingering his own wand. 'You know, perhaps we should go back to Grimmaud Place for a nap. It'll be another late one.'

'I feel pretty tired,' Remus admitted. 'But I feel a bit uncomfortable about going back… Severus and, well, _me_.'

'I thought Remuses always tolerated Snapes,' Sirius said with a bitter little grin.

'I did tolerate him, and respect him, when we were in the Order,' Remus admitted, 'but the sight of someone my mirror image snuggling up to him makes me somewhat prickly.'

Sirius nodded. Heaven knows, he could imagine how he'd feel if in some bizarre universe it was _him_ snuggling up to Snivellus. He shuddered.

'We don't have to hang around with them,' Sirius promised. 'We can go upstairs to the library, or find some room where we don't have to watch them canoodling.'

'It's odd to think, isn't it,' Remus said in a dreamy sort of way, 'that if I hadn't have been bitten when I was five, right now I could be back in my own world sitting by the fire with Severus Snape.' If I hadn't have been bitten, I'd have been the sort of person he'd like, and he'd be the sort of person _I'd_ like.'

Sirius frowned. 'It's less of him and more of you,' he said cryptically. 'I mean, it's _your_ preferences that would carry the day.'

'What on earth do you mean?' Remus demanded frankly. 'There is no way Severus would have a relationship with a werewolf.'

'Isn't there?'

'He hates me for what I am – in my world at least.'

'Well, in my world, he hates what you are, but he loves you, and hates himself for it. hates me for it, too.'

Remus's eyes and mouth were perfect Os of surprise.

'How… peculiar,' he said eventually. 'Is that really true?'

'Really and honestly. In fact,' Sirius said angrily, 'he's probably making the most of my absence.'

'Oh I think you underestimate him – and me,' Remus said certainly. 'He'd not try and inveigle himself into anyone's affection, oh no. And if I'm any judge (and I should think I bloody well am!), your Remus won't give up on you as easily as all that. Your body and your soul are gone together – I don't think he'll think you're dead. I think you'll get back someday, and he'll have been waiting for you.'

At these words, Sirius's heart filled with a warm glow.

'You always know how to make me feel better,' he said indistinctly.

Remus smiled sadly at him. 'Come on,' he said. 'We can't go getting all sentimental in a public place. We should get back. But honestly, Sirius, I don't think you need to fear anything. I suspect your Remus is far more constant than I turned out to be.'

His face was drawn and utterly miserable and he looked away to hide it from Sirius, but not quite quickly enough. He stood up, knocking his chair over with a clatter, and after righting it, the two men went back the way they came, back out into unforgiving muggle London.


	8. Weaving Cottage

The next morning, Remus wandered half-dazed down into the kitchen, to find Snape fully clothed and drinking coffee. He stood in the doorway for a few moments, regarding him. Snape looked up quizzically.

'Did _you_ pack my things?' asked Remus.

'Yes,' Snape replied simply, suddenly full of doubt. Had he done the wrong thing? Was it inappropriate of him to have done that?

'Thanks,' Remus said vaguely, and made a beeline for the coffee pot.

Snape realised the sleeping potion hadn't fully worn off yet, and he got up to help Remus – too late. He scalded himself as he poured the coffee, and dropped the pot with a crash. Glass, coffee and grounds went everywhere.

'Shit!' Remus yelled with a sudden violence that shocked Snape. 'Shit shit shit!'

'It's only coffee,' Snape said peremptorily. 'Sit down; I'll sort it out.'

'Thank you,' Remus said quietly. He sat down and propped his chin in his hand, and closed his eyes, a picture of weariness and sorrow. Then they flew open again. 'You know, Severus, I was out like a light last night. I completely forgot to get any food or anything…'

'I have taken care of it,' Snape said hastily.

Remus's eyes widened and he looked as though he would say something, but instead he gave his head a tiny shake and watched as Snape skilfully reassembled the half-full coffee pot with one sweep of his wand before pouring him a cup.

Soon enough they were ready to go. Their things were waiting by the fireplace, including the plastic bags containing the groceries. Remus looked at them incredulously.

'You went to Sainsbury's?' he had asked when he saw them. He received a nod in return, and was instantly assailed by an image of Snape, black cloak flapping, staring down some poor checkout assistant, which made him tighten his lips to trap a smile.

Now they stood, laden with the bags, before a lavender fire conjured by Snape. Remus looked terribly white.

'Will you go first or will I?' Snape asked, his words brusque but his tone far from unkind.

'I'll go,' Remus said tensely. 'Please – will you give me a couple of minutes there?'

'Of course.'

'Right then,' resolutely. He stepped into the flames and said 'Weaving Cottage, Daxton,' and then was gone.

Snape stood, staring at the fire, checking his watch. It was the longest five minutes he could remember, but eventually he decided that enough time had passed, and he too stepped into the fire and was whisked away to Yorkshire.

As he stepped from a different fireplace, he found himself in a large room that, on briefest inspection, proved to be empty. There was a dark wooden floor, and wooden beams in the ceiling. The walls were a dark warm red and the most prominent piece of furniture was a large brown leather sofa, cracked and worn and comfortable-looking.

He placed his burdens next to where Remus had abandoned his, and went in search of him. The French doors out leading to the garden were open, and so he walked out into the sun.

For a good few minutes, he walked around fruitlessly, taking subconscious notes of the herbs and potions ingredients growing amidst the tall grass and roses, and was considering calling out the Remus when suddenly he caught a glimpse of a familiar brown head, down by the stream. Impulsively, he hurried down there.

'Remus,' he called softly, alerting the other man to his presence.

Remus turned to look at him, his face drawn and lined in the bright sun. Snape felt his heart constrict, and part of him wanted to offer comfort to the werewolf, but he had no words or deeds to help and so he stood silently, looking awkward and miserable.

'Come inside, and I'll make some tea,' he said at last.

Obediently, Remus followed him up to the house. Although the morning was warm, and he was wearing a sweater, he was shivering and had his arms around himself. As he stepped over the threshold, Snape felt him wince.

'I'll make the tea,' Snape said redundantly, and was vastly irritated with himself. He was behaving like a bloody muggle. Tea, indeed – would that heal the werewolf's suffering? Not bloody likely.

Nonetheless, he made the tea and carried it carefully back into the lounge. Handing a cup to Remus, he sat down and wrapped his hands around his own.

'What do you want to do?'

Remus's lips were quivering as he fought to regain control of himself. Snape could recognise a battle for self-control when he saw it.

'Would you like to be alone?'

'No – no,' Remus said quickly.

'Would you like to show me some photographs?'

Remus looked sharply at him before acquiescing with a little smile and padding off upstairs. Snape sat, nursing his tea, his knees primly together like a maiden aunt, wishing himself anywhere but here.

Remus soon reappeared carrying a big brown book on top of which were piled many photographs in different frames. He sat down at the other end of the sofa and rested the pile on his knees, looking down at them. He selected one in a heavy silvery frame and handed it to Snape, who looked down at it.

The photograph showed the four Marauders, aged perhaps 16. Sirius and James Potter were laughing together at some long-ago joke. Next to them, hanging on to every word and making a painfully obvious effort to be included, stood Peter Pettigrew. And slightly in the background was a young Remus. He was staring ahead; his gaze was clearly fixed on Sirius and filled with a terrible hunger.

'You were right,' Remus said abruptly, and Snape looked at him, eyebrows raised. 'I wasn't happy when I was at school – at least, not until…'

'Who took the photograph?'

'Athanasia Potter, James's mother. We all used to spend holidays there… You know, she hid this photograph from the others for ages – until after Sirius and I – you know. She told me it was because what I was thinking and feeling was so blatant that she thought it wouldn't be fair. But then, at the time, she also told me she was convinced that Sirius felt the same for me as I did for him. I didn't believe her, of course.'

'Do you – how did she…?'

'Dead. Voldemort. About a year before James and Lily. Here -' he handed another photograph over.

It was Sirius, still very young, a laughing grin on his handsome face, but he was looking off at something in the distance.

'I took that photo of him unawares. A little voyeuristic, perhaps…'

Snape's mouth twisted and he looked sideways at Remus but said nothing. Remus gave him another photograph, this one in a black wooden frame.

'My favourite,' he said simply.

'It was a black and white photograph of a kiss. Sirius and Remus were entwined, arms around each other, one of Sirius's hands tangled in Remus's short hair, bodies pressed close, Remus's face tilted up to meet that of his slightly taller lover. Their eyes were closed.

'It is very hard,' Remus said in a tone that would have been matter-of-fact were it not for a little quaver, 'to think that I will never kiss him like that again.'

His lips tightened and he moved quickly onto the next image. It was that which undid his wavering composure. Wordlessly he handed it to Snape, and angrily scrubbed at the tears which fell with his hands.

It was a night photograph; in the background the stars burned a random pattern across the sky, and the moon looked like someone had made a crescent shaped slit in black velvet. Sirius and Remus stood hand in hand, close to each other, both fully clothed and both clearly soaked. Both men were laughing uproariously thought silently.

'When was this?' asked Snape softly.

'About two years ago. Sirius hadn't long been out of Azkaban. I was teasing him and he threw me into the river at the bottom of the garden. I had my revenge though…'

He gave a watery smile, then looked back down at his lap and gave a choked sob. Carelessly he let the photographs and the book slide to the floor and made as if to get up, but instead he leaned his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands.

'When am I going to stop feeling like this?' he said in a voice that was no less desperate for being muffled. 'I can't stop, but I can't go on… I _can't_…'

Snape looked agonised as he wept disconsolately. He glanced at the photograph that had produced the reaction. It was also black and white – simply Sirius slumbering peacefully in a white bed, his hair jetty against the pillows.

'He can't be dead,' Remus wept. 'He can't, I can't believe it, it isn't true…'

'I'm sorry, Remus,' Snape said in the gentlest voice he had ever used, 'but you know that he is.'

'No – no…'

'Remus, please calm down.'

'How can I?' he asked, looking up with wild eyes.

Snape had no answer. He just looked on aghast as Remus's tears kept falling, and felt a sudden surge of animosity towards, of all people, Albus Dumbledore, for abandoning him to this distraught shadow of Remus Lupin. But he also felt another, stronger, emotion; one he was unaccustomed to. Pity.

He had been feeling it on and off for Lupin since Black's death, but this wave of it was so strong that it almost choked him. He blinked, dumbfounded, before standing up, walking over to Remus, laying a cautious hand on his shoulder. He barely knew what he was doing, much less why he was doing it.

He stayed like that a minute, towering over the crying man, but reason prevailed over pity and Snape withdrew his hand.

It acted as a shock to Remus, and he looked up with red eyes and a wet face.

'Don't go,' he pleaded quietly.

And so, Snape sat down beside him and bided his time until Remus had cried himself out.

'I should not have asked,' Snape said when finally Remus was calm, 'to see your photographs. It was insensitive of me.'

'I liked looking at them,' Remus replied, staring at the floor. 'Even though it hurts, they remind me of him. Unfortunately, they also remind me of what I have lost, although I don't need reminding. Maybe we can look at more later?'

'I would like that,' Snape said, only half honestly. Remus looked at him gratefully. 'But for now…?'

'Oh, I don't know…'

'More tea? It's gone cold.'

'That's a good idea… I'll just go and sort myself out if you wouldn't mind -'

'Of course.'

Snape went off into the old-fashioned, homely kitchen whilst Remus went upstairs again. When he returned a few minutes later, looking more himself although even paler than usual, and his eyes still red, there was a new teaming mug of tea awaiting him.

'Thank you,' he said, and sank down into one of the kitchen chairs.

'Remus,' Snape began hesitantly, 'what is it exactly that we are here for? Why am _I_ here? And how long will we be here for? I feel helpless – and after all, it's no secret that we have never been particular friends.'

Remus laughed bitterly at Snape's understatement.

'I myself am not sure why we're here. After all, I've been virtually living in London the last year or so – as you can tell by the dust and the state of the garden! There's so much to do for the Order, and it's good to be at headquarters to help out where I can. Besides, when I'm here, I don't generally do much – just read, garden and that – just do our – my – favourite things. It feels wrong to be here now, and not just because of – you know – but because I'm need elsewhere. But I think Albus wants me to get used to being home without him. He seems to think that this is the only way I can recover. I'll have time to think.

'Me, I don't _want_ to think. I want to be busy. But it seems that this is the only way I can make myself useful to the order again, so I'll have to get it over with. And after all, this is my home. But if everything gets resolved – if Voldemort gets overthrown – well, I can't see myself returning here.'

Snape had sat quietly through this long speech. But at the end, he nodded slowly.

'I can understand it,' he said as Remus appeared to be expecting some sort of reaction.

'Now, working for the Order is my only purpose,' Remus added sturdily. 'You understand _that_, I know.'

'Yes,' Snape said in a low voice.

'Severus,' Remus said immediately, 'I'm sorry. That was thoughtless.'

'But it is true, and who am I to resent the truth?'

There was no reply to that. Both men sipped their tea warily.

'You know that I have always been jealous of you,' Snape said suddenly.

Remus looked at him wide-eyed. 'But why?' he exclaimed. Then, after a few seconds, 'Because of Sirius?'

'Perhaps, I suppose, although you know I never envied you for _him_ specifically,' Snape said with a sardonic smile, and Remus nodded. 'No, there is something about you that makes it very easy to – care about you. People care about you, even people you don't know very well. Everyone is so worried about you at headquarters – they all want to look after you, ease your pain. And you – how can you have enough love to go round? How do you make all these people feel as though they mean so much to you? Even me… even though you thought I always hated you… you were always so polite, so _kind_. I just can't understand it. I wish I could.'

Remus sat and stared, looking somewhat embarrassed.

'You think that about me?'

'It's a gift,' Snape said seriously. 'Be careful with it.'

Remus was very awkward but Snape was uncharacteristically calm and unselfconscious talking about these things.

'I'm sorry,' he said in the pause that followed. 'I have made you uncomfortable. That was not my intention. I merely wanted to reassure you, and to remind you what still remains in your life. The Order is not the only thing to occupy yourself with.'

'It doesn't matter,' Remus said. 'Thank you – for coming with me and for being kind to me.'

'I would ask that you don't tell anyone what I said,' Snape said. 'I have a reputation to uphold.'

Snape making a joke? Remus smiled because he felt he should encourage any display of light-heartedness, but Snape's face was melancholy. It was true; he had a reputation as a heatless authoritarian only capable of criticising and sneering. Remus lost his smile and a deep wave of sympathy swept over him.

'Why do you maintain that?' Remus asked suddenly.

Snape looked taken aback. 'Why? I don't know…'

'Why do you bully your students the way you do?'

'I would have thought that would be obvious,' Snape snarled defensively. 'I am a Death Eater. I must favour Slytherins and be cruel to the rest. I must be convincing.'

'But – Neville Longbottom, for example. You terrify him. Why? He's a pure blood, after all.'

Snape looked disconcerted.

'Frank and Alice Longbottom were aurors,' he began hesitantly. 'I still don't know though. I fear that timidity and inability to stand up oneself bring out an unpleasant side of my character. Not, of course, that any of the sides are particularly pleasant. No -' he said as Remus tried to interrupt, 'I am a cruel, unmerciful man. I am a death eater. I have done many hideous things in my life, you know this. I will not hear you debase yourself by trying to excuse my conduct when there is no excuse.'

'I don't consider it debasing myself,' Remus said with a hint of pride. 'It is honesty.'

'Lupin, Lupin, you're too good. You apply your own standards to everyone – you think they must have good motives to act in a petty or selfish or cruel way – and I'm afraid most people don't live up to your expectations. Well, you must know this! Surely you have suffered enough from ignorance and prejudice.'

'It's fear that makes people react as they do, and that is something I understand. I just make the effort not to judge people on their actions, which may have some other basis rather than sheer – I don't know – evil's the word, sounds melodramatic – but Merlin, if people jumped immediately to the obvious, easy conclusions they would conclude that _everyone_ is evil.'

'Maybe that is the case.'

'No – I can't believe that. How could that be? If that were true then Lord Voldemort would be in power and I imagine I would be dead. I'd certainly never have gone to school, made friends there…'

'Maybe, with the threat of the Dark Lord, the evil in people's natures was conquered by fear – fear for themselves. Fear is the most powerful emotion – with the instinct for self-preservation. But you are right about the other. Perhaps it is just that evil is more common than its opposite.'

'It worries me to hear you talk like this, Severus. Maybe it's because I am afraid what you say is true.'

'I hope that it is not. You give me the conviction that it is not true.'

Remus's pallor became suffused by colour.

'You think too much of me,' he muttered.

Snape said nothing, sat like stone.

'I think,' said Remus, after casting around for a few moments for a change of subject, 'I'll go walking tomorrow. Would you like to come?'

'Walking? To where?'

'Just – walking. The country round here is very beautiful. It's one of the best ways I know to relax, calm yourself down, clear your head.'

'Well then, I think I would enjoy that.'

'It doesn't strike me as a very Severus Snape thing to do, but perhaps you'll enjoy it all the more for that,' Remus teased gently.

Snape didn't know whether to be irritated or amused, so he went for an uncertain smile.

'I think it'll be difficult to fill a week,' Remus continued thoughtfully. 'You know, you needn't stay – if you have things to do.'

'I have brought work materials with me. And besides, I promised Professor Dumbledore I would stay, and I will.'

'Because Severus Snape never goes back on his word?'

'That is not the only reason, and besides you know it is untrue,' Snape said uncomfortably. Remus's tone had been sharply ironic, though only because he felt himself an unwelcome burden. 'I am concerned about your welfare, Lup – Remus.' Automatically he had used the more formal mode of address to compensate for a display of emotion, but he corrected himself as he spoke.

'So is everyone, it seems. But really, there is no need. The thing that I need to make me happy is impossible, and nothing and no one else can help.'

Remus had distracted himself with the talk of philosophy and emotion, and once again the reality of his loss made itself apparent. He clenched his jaw.

'I know that, Remus. But I don't want you to be by yourself,' Snape said in a low voice.

'Then stay. But because you want to, and not because of a promise you made.'

'I want to stay,' admitted Snape.

Remus smiled, and it was like a ray of sunshine breaking through a gloomy day, beautiful but transient. In a second it was gone, replaced by his now customary look of melancholy.

'I have Wolfsbane to prepare,' Snape said. 'Is there a room you would prefer me to use?'

'You're probably best in the study – the kitchen's a bit more spacious and all, but there are poisons in it, aren't there?'

Snape nodded.

'Do you want some help?'

'No, thank you. I am used to preparing it myself, and besides, you'll no doubt find it dull.'

'Oh I shouldn't think so! And oughtn't I to learn how to make it, just in case…'

'In case I die?'

'Well – yes. Or you leave and go somewhere else. Or I leave. Anything could happen.'

'You are right… but I fear you're not in the best state for instruction at the moment, Remus.'

'You're probably right. Would you like company at least?'

'It is your choice as to how you spend your time.'

'I think I'll go to bed for a little bit then. I'm pretty tired, and my head is aching horribly.'

'I could brew you something for that.'

'I think I'll try sleeping it off first, thank you Severus. Shall I show you to the study?'

Remus led the way upstairs to a small room painted white, exposed beams dark overhead, and bookcases filled to overflowing. There was a large desk underneath the window, and Severus nodded in approval.

'I shall be in here if you want me,' he said. 'Do not hesitate to come in if – don't hesitate.'

Remus nodded quickly, smiled and left the room swiftly. Snape heard a door shut with a creak, and sat down heavily. Should he contact Dumbledore? He had been requested to give regular updates as to their progress…

He decided to begin the Wolfsbane; a short way into its brewing it required half an hour to simmer without stirring. He went back to the lounge and gathered up his ingredients before returning upstairs.

As he passed a closed door, he heard Remus sobbing as though his heart would break – or had already broken. Standing in the passage he had no idea of what to do. Remus had decided to be on his own, though; it was best to leave him though it went against the grain.

He set up his cauldron and deftly began to chop ingredients, adding them to the cauldron with a burst of water from his wand. He quickly reached the first simmering stage so, making sure the magical fire was burning low, he grabbed a handful of floo powder from his stores, conjured a fire in the fireplace opposite the desk before stepping in, throwing down the powder and saying 'the office of Albus Dumbledore.'

He stepped out into the organised confusion of the headmaster's office to find Dumbledore standing, hands behind his back, surveying him.

'Severus,' the old man said, the half moon glasses perched on his nose failing to disguise the worry in his eyes.

'I cannot stay long; I have no way of knowing whether Re – Lupin will want me,' Severus said immediately.

'Of course,' agreed Dumbledore. 'And how is Remus?'

Snape looked down at his hands, twisting restlessly. He forced himself to be still.

'He is extraordinarily unhappy,' he said at last.

Dumbledore nodded. 'But is he any better?'

'I don't know. He's eating a bit, but… something is not right, of course. He has made up his mind to live and live productively, but I fear he will throw himself into Order business with no care for his personal safety. Of course, we all know our work is dangerous, but I fear to have a man like that working with us would jeopardise missions. It is eminently possible he would take fewer precautions than normal, and that would result in his capture. I would answer for his not divulging secrets under torture,' Snape said, standing up a little straighter, 'but it would be an unnecessary evil. He needs longer. He needs something to want to live for.'

'He needs something to live for,' Dumbledore echoed. 'We need to ensure he knows that he is far more use to the Order when he is mentally strong enough, has enough sense of self-preservation, to take necessary risks, but _only_ necessary ones.'

'I will see to it,' Snape said.

'Thank you Severus. I know I have asked a lot of you in the past, and continue to do so.'

_This is the greatest and hardest thing you have asked of me_, Severus thought. Something of that must have showed in his face, because Dumbledore's expression softened and he reached out a hand to grasp Snape's shoulder, something he had never done before.

'Courage, Severus. You are doing well.'

Snape inclined his head, before stepping back into the fire and flooing back to Daxton.

Immediately on his arrival, he walked back to Remus's bedroom and listened outside the door. He could not hear anything, but leapt like a chocolate frog when he heard Remus's voice behind him.

'Bit boring, I'd think, listening at doors to empty rooms.'

Severus flushed up to his roots.

'I wanted to ascertain whether you were alright.'

'You can see for yourself that I am not.' It was true, Remus's eyes were red again and his face ashen. In his hand he held a glass of water, but he was shivering so that the liquid was slopping out onto the floor.

'Can I be of any assistance?'

'No. Where were you?'

'I was visiting Dumbledore. I am sorry you missed me; I had hoped to be fast enough that you did not notice my absence.'

'It's okay. How is Albus?'

'Worried about you, and about everything and everyone else.'

'Poor Albus. I cannot imagine bearing the burden of responsibility that he carries.'

Snape nodded. It was something he had thought about many times.

'How's the Wolfsbane going?'

Snape started. 'Merlin!'

He dashed back into the study, but his worries were unfounded. The potion was bubbling away perfectly calmly.

'Shall I chop something for you, or something? I can chop without messing it up, I promise you!'

Severus smiled back. 'You could cut up the spleenwort root. It needs to be very fine, and even. The knife is there, and here's the chopping board.'

Remus picked up the grubby roots and put them down on the board before picking up the knife and instantly dropping it.

'Fuck!'

He looked down at his hand where blisters were already forming.

'Oh Remus I'm sorry,' cried Severus, and rushed over to where the werewolf was standing, tears starting in his eyes.

'It's very sore,' he gasped. 'Silver?'

'Yes - Merlin, I'm sorry, what a fool I am,' Snape berated himself while searching through the vials and jars in his potions kit. Eventually he found what he was looking for and brought it over.

'This will sting a bit,' he said, and taking Remus's injured hand in his own, pulled the cork from the bottle with his teeth and dropped several small splashes of opaque blue fluid onto the burn.

Before their eyes, the blisters shrank and vanished, the redness surrounding them fading back to skin colour. After a minute, it was as if there was nothing there.

'What was that?' Remus asked, studying his hand with interest.

'It is called _Argentium_, the Latin name for silver, but that is inaccurate nomenclature. Its purpose is rather to heal wounds caused by silver.'

'Is it only for werewolves then?'

'Yes.'

'Your hand is very cold,' Remus said inconsequentially.

His attention drawn back to the fact that he stood hand in hand with a werewolf, Severus let go immediately and turned away. He turned back brandishing another knife.

'This is steel,' he said. 'Does your hand feel entirely better? I must apologise again.'

'You must stop apologising! I know it's not at the forefront of everyone's mind. In fact, I hope not, or they are thinking about my being a werewolf far too much… Yes, it's better, thank you,' Remus said, flexing his fingers. 'I had better get some of that Argentium, or at least learn to brew it.'

'Do you burn yourself often?'

'Not much – although Sirius had a silver ring, and I burned myself on that, so he stopped wearing it. I still have the scar – not that it matters. It's not like it's the only one.'

Snape nodded. He had seen all the old marks that covered Remus's hands.

'It's not just the werewolf side of things,' Remus carried on as he chopped spleenwort roots. 'I like to cook, but I'm dreadfully clumsy, or at least, very distractible. I manage to cut or burn myself, all the bloody time. And of course gardening doesn't make for nice hands either.'

Snape said nothing, but he thought to himself that Remus did have nice hands, scarred yes, and with nails bitten to the quick, calluses on his knuckles and palms, but nice, well used. Warm, clean, with long sensitive fingers. He shook his head, and stirred the Wolfsbane.

They worked in silence for a while, until it was broken by Remus.

'Is this okay?' he asked, and displayed his spleenwort for inspection.

Snape was impressed. The roots were beautifully evenly shredded.

'It is very good work. All that cooking must have paid off.'

Remus smiled, although more because it was expected than through any joy. 'Is there anything else I can cut up? I don't want any dreadfully responsible task!'

'Do you want to see to food instead? Are you not hungry?'

'Not particularly, but if you are, I can prepare something.'

'I am not hungry,' declared Snape, but his stomach gave him away, growling like a rottweiler.

'I'll make some dinner,' Remus said, and left the room.

* * *

A couple of hours later, the Wolfsbane was ready, and the appetising smell drifting up the stairs distracted Snape far too much to read as he had planned.

He dipped a goblet into the cauldron and brought it downstairs with him, but the kitchen was empty, a big cooking pot simmering on the stove. Remembering the last time he had lost Remus, he let himself out of the French doors in the lounge.

It took very little searching to locate the werewolf. He was sitting, his legs crossed, on a little patch of grass that had not yet been taken over by wild flowers and brambles, watching the sun gradually descend in the sky.

'I have brought your potion,' Severus said softly.

Remus looked up and smiled at him. 'Thank you,' he said. His eyes in the dying light of the day were an eerie amber colour, and they held an eerie expression.

'Did you watch the sun setting with Bl – Sirius?'

'Not really. He wasn't much of a one for sunsets. But I was thinking about him.'

'What were you thinking?' Severus asked, holding out the potion.

Remus took it, sipped it, grimaced.

'I was wondering what he'd be like, if I had died and not him. I was wondering who he would have to rely on.'

He took a swig of Wolfsbane and spluttered inelegantly before pinching his nose and drinking the rest, then pulling out a packet of cigarettes.

'Want one?'

'Thank you.'

Snape sat himself down and lit his cigarette with his wand. Remus lit his with a muggle lighter, and drew in deeply, before looking at the sun again.

'It is beautiful here,' Severus said simply.

Remus nodded.

'I can imagine,' he continued hesitantly, 'what it would be like to live here with someone you love.'

Remus closed his eyes. The hand that held his cigarette trembled.

'All that is finished,' he said. 'I'm alone again, so I have to fulfil my purpose and never think about happiness again.'

'You will be happy again, one day,' Severus told him sternly. 'I know you cannot think that now, but one day, your loss won't be acute like it is currently. It will always be with you, but one day you will look back on the days you shared with Sirius and it won't hurt you as it does now.'

'Oh Severus, you don't understand, I don't think I'll ever feel like that about someone ever again.'

'No, you will not, but you can find love. A different love; every love is different between every couple, but love nonetheless.'

'I just don't think I will. And besides, even if I wanted to,' Remus said bitterly, 'I'm a werewolf, in case it escaped your notice. People are terrified of me.'

'Not everyone is terrified of you,' Snape reminded him.

'No, Severus, please – just don't. I can't think about moving on.'

Snape opened his mouth to speak, and shut it again. He wanted so desperately to make Remus happier, to ease his pain, but there was no way of doing so.

'Shall we eat?'

Remus nodded. He ground the butt of his cigarette into the dirt, Snape following his example before vanishing both of them.

They went into the kitchen, and Remus dished out vegetable stew. Tasting it, Snape found it was just as delicious as it smelt. It didn't seem to tempt Remus though. He played idly with it, but didn't seem to eat more than two or three mouthfuls.

'You ought to eat,' Snape told him.

Remus shrugged.

Snape finished his stew, and after checking that Remus did not want to eat any more, cleared away all the things.

'What will you do now?' he asked Remus, who was sat at the table with a cup of tea in front of him, smoking a cigarette.

'I don't know.'

'I intend to read; perhaps you would like to join me?'

'Okay.'

They repaired to the lounge, Remus pausing in front of the well stocked bookcase to pull out a well-thumbed volume.

'What is that?'

'_Middlemarch_.'

'What is it about?'

'An old muggle novel, about a small town in provincial England and the people who live there.'

Snape raised his eyebrows.

'What are you reading?'

'Potionbrewers Monthly,' Snape said, and brandished a heavy-looking journal.

'One must keep up with one's field.'

'Actually, I only got it because there was an article on Wolfsbane,' Snape said.

It was Remus's turn to raise his eyebrows.

They stopped talking, and read in companionable silence, Remus curled up on an ancient rocking chair that was tucked into a corner, Severus on the couch.

'Do you know, I think I'll go to bed,' Remus said after about half an hour.

'It's only just after eight,' Snape said, somewhat concerned.

'I'm very tired,' Remus said, 'and it's been a long day.'

Snape nodded.

'Goodnight,' he said. 'I shall be up for a while if you want for anything.'

'Thank you Severus,' Remus said gratefully. 'Really, thank you, for everything. I appreciate what you are doing for me.'

'It's nothing,' Snape said uncomfortably.

Remus smiled. 'I still appreciate it,' he said, before departing.

Severus was left alone in the lounge. He tried to keep reading, but thoughts of Remus kept intruding on the scholarly article about the side-effects of Wolfsbane, and eventually he threw the journal down in disgust and gave himself up to private and almost entirely unenjoyable thoughts.


	9. Two Worlds

I haven't updated this in a long time I know, but my computer is full of bits of it, and I would like to actually finish a fanfic for once.

* * *

Remus and Sirius had killed the time before nightfall by prowling around the streets of London. Neither of them was in a talkative mood, both having too many thoughts to find the words for conversation, and neither of them wanted to return to Grimmaud Place, and this world's Snape and Remus.

Eventually, though, night fell and Sirius looked at his watch.

'Quarter past eight,' he said.

'Do you think it's late enough?'

He shrugged.

'Let's go, then.'

So, once more, they returned to the Ministry of Magic and leapt through into the next world.

* * *

Once again, the room was empty as they came round. Sirius groaned as he stretched his aching muscles.

'All this unconsciousness on stone floors is bad for me,' he said.

Remus was shaking his head like a wet dog, which only served to disorientate him further.

Finally, ignoring their protesting joints, the pair struggled to their weary feet and set off once more to Grimmaud Place. Once more the house appeared, shouldering the two adjacent apart. Both men went straight up to the front door and, recalling what had happened last time, Sirius knocked rather than entering straight away.

The door was answered by Molly Weasley.

'Hello Sirius,' she said with a worried frown. 'Why didn't you let yourself in? I didn't realise you'd been out. And who's this?'

'Oh – er – this is Remus Lupin,' Sirius replied, too nonplussed to explain.

'Nice to meet you, Remus.'

'Pleasure,' Remus said politely, wondering what fate had befallen his alter ego, how he could find out, and whether he wanted to.

'Well, come in, it's just about breakfast time,' she said, ushering them inside. 'Sorry I didn't recognise you, Mr Lupin, but we get a fair amount of through traffic here! Have we met before?'

'Oh, I don't think so,' Remus told her mendaciously.

They proceeded into the kitchen, filled with chatter and the familiar faces of the Order members but of course, Sirius already knew this was not his home. Remus, though, was wondering whether it could become his.

'Molly, everyone,' Sirius said, his palms sweaty, and there was silence. This part was getting no easier. 'I'm not your Sirius. I don't know where he is; wherever you left him, probably. But I have come through the Veil in the Ministry, and so has Remus. I fell through by accident, and I'm trying to get home. I know this sounds mental but, well, it's true.'

The faces ranged from incredulous (Molly) to disbelieving (Moody) and amused (Dung Fletcher) and Sirius sighed.

'I wondered if we could stay the night before we go again,' he ended.

A tremendous hubbub immediately arose, questions from all corners of the room fired at the two newcomers, and was only quelled when Severus Snape stood up from a dark corner where he had been sitting silently. His icy tones cut through the babble.

'Someone go and get Black. You – give me your wands.'

Tonks volunteered herself and raced off upstairs. Remus handed his wand over and though Sirius looked mutinous, a well-judged look from Remus made him obey too. Silence reigned until she reappeared with another Sirius, and then all was pandemonium again.

'Severus,' Remus shouted above the din. 'Where's Albus?'

'Who are you?' Snape asked him coldly. 'How do you know my name?'

'I'm Remus Lupin,' Remus told him. "Surely I can't have even gone to Hogwarts then?" he thought. 'I knew you at school, in a different world from this one.'

Snape shook his head slowly. 'The Veil brings death to those who go through it,' he said. The room had quietened down once more, the Order listening avidly.

'No,' Sirius said. 'You just end up somewhere else.'

'And how would you know, Black? How do I know this is not some devilry on the part of the Dark Lord?'

'I don't know how we can prove it,' Sirius told him angrily, 'but if it's any consolation to you, I'd rather not be here either.'

'So you're just going from place to place trying to get home?' asked the other Sirius.

'Pretty much.'

'Excellent plan, Black,' Snape said, and both Siriuses glared at him. Remus watched resignedly. It seemed that most of the universes had a Sirius and a Severus that hated each other.

'This is getting us nowhere,' he said, and the three angry men looked at him. 'Severus, Sirius, would it be alright for us to have a bit of food and a sleep? We'll leave after that.'

'I want to ensure that you are who you claim to be,' Snape said.

'Have you got any Veritaserum?' Remus asked resignedly. 'I'll take some and that will be cleared up. There's no concealment or deceptive charm that can withstand it, is there?'

'That would suit the purpose,' Snape said, and left the room.

'I'd rather not take it in here,' Remus whispered to Sirius. 'I don't want to be some sort of fairground attraction.'

'I don't see why you should have to take it at all,' Sirius hissed.

'It's better, I think. They don't know me at all, so I have more to prove, whereas you – you're obviously Sirius.'

'I could have taken some Polyjuice,' Sirius argued.

'You'll be here more than an hour, and besides, I'll vouch for you with the potion.'

They waited outside the kitchen, to escape the stares, until Snape came back down clutching two tiny vials and led them into a study.

He handed one vial to Remus who swallowed a couple of drops, then they sat and waited for a few moments.

'Test that the potion is working, Black,' Snape snapped.

'How am I supposed to do that? Remus isn't a liar as a general rule.'

Snape tutted but had no satisfactory answer.

They waited a couple more minutes.

'It will have taken effect,' announced Snape. 'What is your name?'

'Remus John Lupin,' Remus replied. His eyes were oddly glassy.

'Your age?'

'35.'

'Where are you from?'

'I was born in Lincolnshire, but I was taken to London when I was five. Then, at 11, I went to Hogwarts School in Scotland. After that, I moved around a lot. Berlin, Auckland, Darwin, Nairobi, Boston, Rio de Janeiro, Provence, Hong Kong. Then back to London.'

'What is your job?'

'I owned a bookshop, but I left it a few days ago. I don't have a job now.'

'Are you in league with the Dark Lord?'

'No.'

'Do you or your colleague pose a threat to any of the Order?'

'Sirius hates you, but he will not hurt you. I – I am a werewolf. I am no other threat. I will not hurt you when I am myself.'

Snape did his best but he looked slightly shocked.

'No other threat indeed,' he spat. 'As if that were not enough. How did you survive?'

'Survive what?'

'The werewolf cull.'

'What werewolf cull?' Remus asked, his voice entirely even. Sirius sat holding his breath, but Snape stonewalled the question.

'Never mind. How did you get here?'

'Sirius and I went through the Veil. We arrived at the Ministry and apparated here. We knew this would be the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix.'

'What does the Veil do?'

'It is a portal between different worlds. I do not understand how it works. No one who we have met understands it either.'

'How did you first come to pass through it?'

'I met Sirius when I came to work. He told me he was someone else at first but I knew him. He told me that he had fallen through during a battle at the Ministry, in the Department of Mysteries. I decided to leave my shop and go with him.'

'Why?'

'I was not content in my old world.'

'Why not?'

'I loved Sirius when we were at school. Then I believed he had betrayed James and Lily Potter. He escaped from Azkaban and got the Dementors' Kiss. When this Sirius turned up, I realised there was hope, so I went with him. I hope to find peace somewhere else.'

Snape's face was unreadable.

'This man you are travelling with is definitely Sirius Black?'

'Yes.'

'I think that will do. This is the antidote.' He handed it over to Remus, who drank a little. 'You should wait with him until he recovers,' he said to Sirius. 'I will speak to the Order.' He returned their wands and then left the room in a swish of black.

'Are you okay, Re?' Sirius asked.

'Yes.'

'Can you remember?'

'No, not really. What did he ask me?'

'Oh, who you were, who I am, where you're from, what we're doing. He seemed pretty convinced.' He decided to say nothing about Snape's odd question.

'That's good… I'm glad it's over.'

'So am I. I suppose we've been lucky so far – people believing us, I mean.'

'I suppose we have.'

'You hungry?'

'Starving.'

'Ready to face the masses?'

'I'd face them ten times over if there was food at the end of it!' Remus assured him, and they returned to the kitchen.

The Order asked them so many questions that it took about half an hour for them to eat their breakfast, by which time it was stone cold. Remus had very little chance to speak to the other Sirius, something that he was eager and frightened to do in almost equal measure, but as soon as he had eaten, he felt suddenly exhausted. His head was nodding and every sentence he spoke was punctuated by yawns, and Sirius was not much better.

Eventually, Molly took pity on them and ushered them upstairs, changing sheets with a quick bit of wandwork. Sirius was asleep almost before his head hit the pillow, but Remus lay awake for a few minutes, wondering about the world that they had found themselves in and the place he could have occupied in it before finally nodding off.

* * *

Neither of them woke until night had fallen. The house was much emptier, which was a relief. Sirius found Remus in the library, perusing the copies of the archives which Sirius's family had, entirely illegally, always managed to obtain from the Ministry.

'I found myself,' he said softly.

'What – where – Remus?'

'I'm down as a werewolf death in 1971.'

'The werewolf killed you when you were bitten?'

'No. The Ministry did.'

That morning's events rushed back into Sirius's consciousness and he realised why Snape was so surprised. No werewolf was allowed to live in this world.

'I – fucking hell. The bastards!'

'Sirius, calm down.'

'I can't calm down!' Sirius shouted. 'They murdered you when you were just a child! Fuck!'

'Sirius,' Remus said coolly, standing up and closing the heavy book. 'You need to stop ranting.'

'I – I just… it's so… it's evil.'

'It's not particularly civilised, no,' Remus said, as though he was discussing ancient history, or perhaps the weather.

'Re, we need to leave.'

'Why?'

'Because you told Snape you were a werewolf.'

'Sirius, if they were going to kill me, they could have done it while I was asleep. I'm safe here.'

'But – what if -'

'If this is anything like your Order, they're not exactly hand in glove with the Ministry. I don't think I have anything to worry about.'

'That's right, werewolf. Well reasoned,' came Snape's voice, and both men jumped. He had entered the room silently and was standing regarding Remus with a curious light in his eyes.

'I looked you up whilst you were sleeping,' he continued.

'I bet you love them murdering innocent children,' blazed Sirius.

'Actually, I think it barbaric, but then maybe that is appropriate to the threat,' Snape spat back.

'Well Re's no threat to you or anyone, and it's hardly his fault he got bitten.'

'I'm sure your, ah, _friend,_ Lupin had no desire to become a lycanthrope,' he acquiesced.

'What do you mean by that?' Remus asked.

'You told him why you came with me,' Sirius muttered, and Remus blushed. 'So why are you here, Snape?'

'I came to work,' Snape replied. 'I would thank you both to leave.'

They were almost out of the door when Snape called Remus back with a peremptory command.

'I wish to give you a piece of advice,' he said. 'Do not stay here, no matter how much you pine after Black. Your Black is right; it is not safe for you here. You should leave tonight.'

'Did you tell the others?'

'No. But you cannot stay. I do not know how it is in your world, but as you found out, werewolves are slaughtered here. They are hated. If Black or the others found out about your condition, your life would indeed be endangered.'

'Why didn't you tell them?'

'I know what it is to be hated, Lupin. I have been the instrument of many deaths. I do not wish for more blood on my hands. You can go.'

'Thank you,' Remus said as he turned to leave.

'I did not do it for you,' he snapped. 'Now go!'

Rejoining Sirius in the kitchen, Remus told him what had passed.

'Why would Snape threaten you like that?' Sirius wondered aloud.

'I don't think it was a threat,' Remus told him. 'It was a warning.'

'He's bloody obsessed with you, I reckon. Every world he's either lusting after you or he's wormed his way in. He'd better not be trying it on at home, or he'll be sorry he was ever born.'

'That's ridiculous.'

'Is it?'

'It is. But rather than discussing Severus's predilections, I think we should get out of here.'

'I agree.'

A hurried meal later, Sirius went to collect their small number of possessions and Remus went to inform Snape of their impending departure.

'Thank you for letting us stay, and – for the other thing.'

'I told you, I -'

'I know. But thank you anyway, and goodbye.'

Snape nodded irascibly and carried on reading.

Within twenty minutes, Remus and Sirius were at the Ministry, at the Veil once more.

'Do you want to go it alone?' Sirius asked.

'No, I – Sirius, now that I've started this, I don't know how I can leave. I don't know why, I – I can't believe that – I don't think this will work. I can't find a world without me where you and I still have the history we shared, the thing that holds us together. Even you – I like travelling with you, but you're not _my_ you, d'you see? And in a world like this one – the you there didn't even know who I was. How on earth would he have reacted if I had told him why I was there? And I couldn't not tell him, lie to him and try to make him fall in love with me as though I didn't know anything about him.

'I think what I'm trying to say,' he said, his voice trembling, 'is that I am never going to find what I'm looking for. You have to understand – it's the same for you, with me – I'm not _yours_. It's not just the person's physical self and personality, is it? It's everything that has happened in their life that makes them what they are.'

'I understand,' said Sirius, looking stricken. 'But what are you going to do, Re?'

'I don't know,' Remus said, and he started to cry.

'I should never have gone to see you,' Sirius said, guilt like he had never known, not even when James and Lily died, gripping his heart like a fist, making it difficult to breathe.

'No, I'm glad you did,' Remus sobbed. 'I was trapped before, and you've freed me. You've finally made me realise I can never have you back, it can never be like it was before. I never truly believed you were dead – Kissed – but I know it now. I know I'm on my own.'

'You had Simon…'

'It just wasn't – I don't know, I was always waiting for something, and I never knew what, but I knew it couldn't last. I didn't love him; I was lonely, and so was he, but my heart was never in it and he knew that. Maybe now he can be happy.'

'Remus,' Sirius said, taking his hand. 'What are you going to do?' he asked again.

'I'll come with you. At least I can keep you company for a bit. Maybe one of these worlds will seem right, I don't know. Maybe I'll just keep going.'

He sniffed resolutely and dried his eyes on his sleeve.

'We'd better be off,' he said.

* * *

The moment he came to, Sirius felt his skin prickling and an irrational fear swept over him. He said nothing to Remus, but knew he felt it too. He was worried enough to want to suggest simply disappearing straight through the Veil again, but suppressed that thought.

They made their way towards the great atrium of the Ministry to find an apparition point – this world seemed to have changed things around quite drastically – but stopped dead as they stepped out into the vast space.

There was an immense statue made entirely of gold, as there was in their own world, but this one was different. It showed one figure, and with a sinking feeling, Sirius walked around it to the front.

The statue's cold, serpentine eyes stared back coldly at him, its face unmistakably describing the planes of evil.

'It's Voldemort,' he said in a low voice.

Remus said nothing but his eyes were terrible in his white face.

'We ought to leave.'

'What if – what if it's your world, though?'

Sirius closed his eyes for a second.

'If it is, it's likely that everyone I loved is dead.'

'Likely, but not certain.'

Sirius nodded. He drew out his wand, and walked with Remus to the apparition points near the front desk.

'What if they have alarms?'

'We'll never know unless we try,' Remus said, with a determined look.

They joined hands and Sirius apparated them both to Grimmaud Place once more.

On arrival, they stared up at the house. It was plainly visible.

'The secret…' Sirius said faintly.

There was a blue plaque screwed onto the wall and Remus walked up to the house to read it.

'_This house was the headquarters of the terrorist organisation The Order of the Phoenix_,' he read aloud. '_The organisation was smashed by the will of the Dark Lord and all those in it were made to atone for their crimes and duly punished_.' There's a list of names here, too. All those they caught and killed.'

He turned to Sirius.

'We need to leave,' he said in a terrible voice.

'No,' Sirius said, and ran up to the house to read the list.

'Shit,' he said, his voice cracking.

_Harry Potter_

_Albus Dumbledore_

_Severus Snape_

_Nymphadora Tonks_

_Kingsley Shacklebolt_

_Mundungus Fletcher_

_Remus Lupin_

_Sirius Black_

_Molly Weasley_

_Arthur Weasley_

_Bill Weasley_

_Charlie Weasley_

_Fred Weasley_

_George Weasley_

_Ron Weasley_

_Ginny Weasley_

_Hermione Granger_

…

The list went on and on.

'They're all dead,' he said, and tears rolled down his cheeks.

Remus took him roughly by the wrist.

'We need to go,' he repeated, and without waiting for assent, apparated them back to the Ministry.

'Come on, come on,' he said in an urgent whisper, 'we need to get out of here.'

'They're all dead, Re!'

'There's nothing we can do, and if we stay here we'll be dead too.'

His haste, however, was insufficient. They had just started towards the lifts when a gaggle of guards, wands raised, burst through the front doors and immediately began to fire curses at them.

'_Protego_!' Remus shouted desperately, pointing his wand back over his shoulder as he dragged Sirius behind him. '_Deflecta_! _Protego_! Shit,' he panted, trying to close the lift doors. '_Armorio_!'

At last the lift began to move, and Remus turned to check that Sirius was okay. He was leaning against the wall, his head hanging down.

'Sirius!' Remus said, taking his shoulder and shaking him. 'Did they hit you? Are you okay?'

'They didn't hit me,' Sirius said dully.

The lift ground to a halt and they dashed outside, Remus still dragging Sirius as he desperately tried to find the Veil before the guards arrived. He could hear the clatter of their feet, faintly at first but getting closer as he frantically pulled Sirius back to the room where they had first entered this world.

The feet were very close now, and suddenly a hail of bright green curses streaked past them as a horde of voices shouted. Remus ducked reflexively, and sped up even more.

They took the Veil at a run.


	10. A Strange Day

Slow updater? Me? Believe me, life has been undergoing some drastic changes (though not nearly as interesting as the events of _The Fall and After_, naturally). One day I might even update _Dr Lupin_... who knows?

* * *

Nights are long and lonely when you are wakeful, even if you have nothing of importance to torture yourself with. No wonder, then, that Remus had a white face that morning, with shadows under his eyes. He looked old.

Snape betrayed no outward concern at this appearance. He had prepared scrambled eggs which Remus ate obediently.

'Thank you, Severus.'

'You are welcome. Have you plans for the day?'

'No. I said I'd go for a walk, didn't I? I just feel really tired.'

'I think some exercise would be beneficial for you.'

Remus looked unconvinced.

'It might help you sleep,' suggested Snape softly.

'What are you planning to do today?' Remus asked. He had never been much good at changing the subject subtly.

'I have a little work to do on the Wolfsbane, but I was intending on accompanying you on your walk.'

'I see,' Remus said. 'Where would you like to go?'

Snape shrugged. 'I leave that to you.'

'I'll make up my mind then. Leave the breakfast things…' as Snape made a move to start cleaning things away. 'I'll do them. You cooked.'

'I shall go and work on the Wolfsbane. It should only take an hour, and then I shall be ready to go.'

True to his word, an hour later, Snape and Remus were standing outside the cottage.

'Left,' Remus said, and they headed off down the lane.

'The weather is very pleasant,' said Snape, as though he were a foreigner who had been told that the English liked to talk about the weather and he was eager to oblige. It made Remus smile.

'It is,' he agreed, for it was. The sun was shining and the June air was heady.

They walked in silence for a little.

'I used to go this way all the time,' Remus said suddenly. 'Before I went back to Hogwarts, I mean. Before - everything. I used to make money doing a bit of translation and writing the odd article for muggle papers. It meant I could stay out here, no one wondering why I was off sick once a month, and stretch my legs in the countryside and grow my own food.'

'Were you lonely?'

'Sometimes. A little. I made friends with the lady who runs the Post Office, and the couple who own the pub, and a few of the other people in the village nearby, but obviously there were things that I couldn't tell them. I never became friendly enough with anyone to want to tell them, you know? I suppose I did it on purpose. It's a lot easier.'

'I know.'

'Of course you do. Is that why you don't make friends, Severus? Because you don't want to tell them what your past is?'

Snape was taken aback at such blatant probing.

'I have no wish to discuss things which have passed. I would prefer to leave it buried.'

'That's understandable, and yet - do you really not need anyone else? Sometimes I used to wonder, if I died, how long it would be before anyone noticed. At least now people would notice.'

'I did not have the luxury of privacy,' Snape said dryly. 'If I failed to attend any of my classes it should certainly be recognised.'

'Maybe that's why you were content without anyone; because you knew that people would miss you.'

'I think 'miss' would be the wrong word. I should imagine that a good three quarters of the school would be elated, or at the very best, indifferent.'

'Are you proud of that?' Remus asked. It had sounded like a boast.

'You think I enjoy being the object of hatred for fools?'

'I suppose I should take that for a no. But then, why don't you behave in a way that makes that a little more obvious?' asked Remus mildly.

'What on earth do you mean?' he snapped.

Remus started to walk again. 'I'm sorry, that was rude, but you must understand that it's difficult to befriend people who jump constantly down your throat.'

'I don't want be befriended, I want to be respected.'

Remus took a sidelong glance at him.

'Don't you want to have _any _friends? Someone who's interested in things you're interested in, or someone with the same sort of sense of humour - I don't know, someone who you can swap potions recipes with!'

Snape snorted.

'I'm safer alone.'

Remus bit his lip and looked down at his feet, shabby old boots covered in dust from the path.

'I understand that,' he said quietly, 'but I don't think it's right to go through life alone.'

'You just told me yourself that before Black's return you lived an almost isolated life. You are hardly someone to criticise my lifestyle.'

'You're right. I'm sorry. I suppose…'

The words hung in the air for a moment before Snape asked impatiently, 'You suppose what?'

'Well… I supposed I'd hoped you were a bit lonely. Because I used to be, and now I will be again, and if the war ever ends and we both survive - well I don't want to go back to my old life, not completely. It would be nice to, er, to have a friend.'

'Nice?' Snape echoed sardonically, then he went quiet as if he was ashamed.

'I suppose it would be nice,' he said after a minute or so, studiously looking straight ahead to avoid any possibility of eye contact. 'But you - knowing what I feel for you - do you not think it would be difficult? Awkward?'

'I'm sorry! I just - I find it hard to believe, well, I forget that, the way you are with me - that is to say…'

'Spit it out, Lupin.'

Remus grinned in spite of himself, then the smile slid off his face. 'I never believe it.'

Snape stopped walking, and so Remus stopped and turned back to face him.

'What would you have me do?' demanded Snape. 'Should I yearn after you like a lovesick mooncalf, should I shower you with flowers and chocolate, should I whisper sweet nothings into your ear? I don't want your pity or your kindness, I want your love, and since I cannot have that I would prefer to act like the rational adult I have failed to become.'

He shut his mouth with a snap and started walking again, furiously, leaving Remus to trot after him.

'You're right, of course you are,' he panted, 'and I didn't want - oh, I said it all wrong and I'm sorry, again, for what I said and for… everything else. Merlin's beard, slow down for goodness' sake, I just - I like you, that's all, and I can understand how you wouldn't want to be friends and you're right, of course it's awkward but - I like you, Severus. That's all.'

'Indeed,' Snape replied quellingly.

'Is it so difficult to believe? I admit, I don't enjoy the frequent ear-bashings I earn from you and I keep putting my foot in things but I like that you're - interesting.'

'Interesting?'

'It's a compliment.'

'Oh - er.'

Snape took a few deep breaths. The combination of the exhilarating summer air and the conversation had gone straight to his head. Already this visit to Yorkshire was unlike any other experience he had had, and he was unsure how to take it. It was made harder by the fact that - yes, it was a rare event but it was true - he found himself contented.

_For the first time in years I feel almost happy._

Remus, watching him from the corner of his eyes, saw the lines of care smoothed away and the shutters opening for a moment before slamming back into place and a familiar frown descending.

For a moment he had been coming alive.

He felt the loss of his lover like something gnawing at his mind, a dread which would drive him mad if he could not find something else to think about. Snape was the perfect diversion, of which the Potions master was dimly aware.

Remus would have known this about himself if he had cared to examine the darker recesses of his mind, but the fear he felt at what he might find prevented him. So, when he told himself that he was simply concerned about Severus, he believed it. It was true, undoubtedly, but only part of his motivation.

Snape attempted to drive away the marauding thoughts, to return to the rational analysis which had been a constant for him through his years. He was, though would never have admitted it, a little hurt that Remus was being friendly to deaden his grief.

_Still, it is impossible to judge him. People handle their pain in different ways, many of them destructive. This distraction technique at least has the benefit of being altruistic. _He did not add, _and potentially beneficial._

It made Remus feel a little more like he was part of the world, a bit more human, somewhat normal and pleasant, like he had achieved something, to make Snape relax his guard.

Together they strode on along the country lanes, hedgerows high on either side rampant with flowers. A good few miles on they came to a stile, and Remus hopped over it before waiting for Snape to make a more dignified crossing.

'Where are we going?'

'Bolsover Hill. Sometimes on a very clear day you can see the sea.'

'I look forward to it.'

Soon neither of them had the breath for talking as trees gave way to rolling moors and their path became steeper.

Ahead loomed weird boulders, stacks of pale layered stone stark and alien against the summer day. Remus took them up the path and they stood panting in the shadow of one of the stones.

'What are these?' Snape asked curiously.

'The Bridestones. Weird, aren't they? They're sandstone. I don't know how they ended up staying here. You'd have thought they'd have all been worn away by now.'

'There is powerful magic in them,' said Snape, and shivered. He laid a curious hand against one and then snatched away as if it burned him.

The air around the stones seemed strangely still, the grass between them much greener, and they were surrounded by a quiet that was almost oppressive.

Remus glanced at him then looked away and continued to climb, and Snape followed him.

At the top of the hill the wind was high and Snape's hair was whipped around his face. It smacked colour into Remus's cheeks, and there was a light in his eyes.

'You can see the sea,' Remus told him triumphantly, loudly so that his words were not blown away, and he pointed off to a blue haze nestling between distant hills.

Snape followed his gaze and nodded, not entirely sure if more was called for.

They stood for a while, but the wind blew in threatening clouds and though Remus threatened to stay staring all day, Snape felt it advisable that they seek shelter. He suggested a return to the cottage and Remus followed obediently.

The treacherous English summer weather held out for a little but eventually the sun disappeared behind a cloud and did not reappear, and several minutes later fat drops of rain began to spatter down.

Snape got out his wand and cast himself an Impervius, then turned to Remus to ask if he would like one.

The werewolf shrugged and flicked a wet lock of hair from his eyes, and Snape took the liberty before they carried on in the direction of home. By the time they got there they were entirely dry.

* * *

Remus had gone off somewhere as soon as they had got home, leaving Snape to prowl about restlessly for a while before shaking his head at his own weakness and returning to work on the Wolfsbane. He had yet to find a pain that potion-brewing could not alleviate, but he admitted to himself as he stirred in some dandelion roots that the panacea did not work as well as usual at Lupin's.

He was thinking about what Lupin had said; about people not befriending him. How could Lupin understand though, what it was to be a Death Eater in the Order of the Phoenix, to live in a state of alertness for his master's call and the subsequent deception that was necessary.

He had learned about suppressing his emotions, and although he admitted the possibility to himself that some people may have been capable of that exquisite control and also openness, he knew it was beyond his capabilities.

_And besides_, he consoled himself as he always did, _how many people were capable of misleading the Dark Lord and his disciples?_

The Order might despise his role, and him for the absolute efficiency with which he performed it, but he knew that without him they would be nowhere. He was necessary.

He looked bitterly down at the glassy smooth surface of the Wolfsbane in his cauldron.

_Why does Lupin need to say those things?_

Remus…

He wished he weren't so damned stupid when it came to him, but he was cursed if he could help it.

_I never thought I would see the day, but I would give anything to be able to get Black back._

That was far too big an ask. The consequences of meddling in natural law could be avoided by most magic but life and death magickind had learned to leave alone.

_However… it is unscientific to classify Black as dead. No one saw him die. There is no body. Someone ought to ensure that there is no chance that he may have survived._

The moment he thought that, he knew it would have to be him. The others were too busy, not invested enough in this question when they thought they already knew its answer. And he would keep it from Lupin, of course.

He stirred the Wolfsbane absent-mindedly and once more cursed that meek bloody werewolf who had made a fool of him, as he sniffed and noted it needed slightly more dandelion.

He sighed, lowered the fire under the potion and went to see if Lupin needed him before he departed briefly for information. There was no answer when he knocked on his door and no Lupin in the lounge or the kitchen. He turned up a note which read:

_3.25 pm_

_Dear Severus,_

_I have gone to the village. I think I may be a couple of hours or so._

_See you later,_

_Remus_

and a quick spell confirmed that he was indeed alone in the house. He folded the note carefully and pocketed it, and then walked off to the fireplace and departed.

* * *

Hogwarts' library struck him as good a place as any to begin the search that he felt almost sure was hopeless, and so he flooed to his own office in the dungeons and made his way through the corridors that felt so alien without the hordes of students to the library.

Madam Pince was there and she nodded at him. She knew him and trusted he would treat her beloved books with the reverence she demanded. It was fortunate she had never found any of his own potions books with their crammed margins of notes in precise handwriting. He returned the nod.

Where to begin though?

He sat down and made notes of all the things he could recall about the veil through which Black had fallen before walking over to the History of Magic section, a case of books in good condition (Hogwarts students tended not do more study of this subject than they could help, Binns having inculcated a complete disinterest in the subject), laying the parchment down on a nearby table and starting to flick through the older-looking books.

He was still engaged in this task when the Hogwarts headmaster came walking up to his table.

'Severus,' said Dumbledore pleasantly.

'Headmaster.'

'How is Remus?'

'We went for a walk this morning, and he has gone to the village nearby,' Snape said, dodging a question he could not answer.

'And yourself?'

'It was a pleasant walk,' Snape said stiffly.

'May I inquire as to what you are researching?' asked Dumbledore, linking his hands behind his back, a picture of polite interest.

Snape found himself reluctant to answer but he would not lie.

'I am looking into the circumstances of Black's death, specifically the veil he fell through.'

'Ah…'

'I wish to ensure that he is dead.'

Dumbledore looked at him with an unreadable face.

'That is not certain,' he said. 'I have never read of any evidence either way.'

Snape's heart leaped within him.

'Is there much known about it?'

'Not a great deal, at least, not a great deal that I have come across. It is known when it was discovered,' he walked over to the case and selected a heavy old book, 'though not how it got where it was found.' He handed the book to Snape. 'That will be a good starting point. More than that, I cannot help you with.'

'Thank you,' said Snape, waiting with poorly concealed impatience for the headmaster to leave.

He withdrew with a smile and a nod and Snape immediately opened the book at the index, and started to flick through.

* * *

Remus spent his time in the village buying bread, milk and eggs, and greeting his acquaintances. He did not feel he could enter the pub and make polite conversation, so he dropped into the post office and told Mrs Muggins he was back.

'And that nice Mr Black?' she had asked him with a twinkle in her eye, and he had gulped a few times and told her the nice Mr Black was not staying with him on this occasion. A nod is as good as a wink to a blind postlady, and Mrs Muggins had laid a gentle hand on his forearm and offered him a sweet.

Sucking a barley sugar, he came back out into the sun and thought with relief that the news of the end of his relationship would be all around the village by tomorrow and that no one would ask him about his handsome lover.

He walked slowly back home along the lanes and tried to tell himself that he would see Sirius again some day.

It was hard to believe though, because Remus Lupin was nothing if not pragmatic. He had witnessed the deaths of many of his old schoolmates but nothing that could persuade him that death was not the end. He would not let himself dwell on the circumstances surrounding Sirius' passing, telling himself it would not do anyone any good.

Instead, he tried to concentrate on the beautiful countryside surrounding him. The rain shower had quickly gone with nothing to remind anyone of it except the odd damp patch under a shady tree. The bluebells and narcissi had finished flowering, but cow parsley, dog daisies and poppies nodded in the hedges among countless other flowers he could not name. Beyond, there were fields as far as he could see filled with yellow and green. The sun beat down and the air was fresh with wet grass and leaves, a clean country smell. It was heartbreakingly beautiful, and he had tears in his eyes as he hurried home to the sanctuary of his bedroom where the sheets still smelled faintly of Sirius and he could cry in peace.

* * *

_The following is an extract from the writings of Ancellus the Younger, who was a muggle present when the first and only fixed portal (now commonly known as "the Veil") was discovered in Egypt, millennia past, and recorded his thoughts about the event._

_I was part of an expedition out into the desert in order to explore whether other land which could be cultivated lie beyond the sandy wastes. There were seven of us, and ten camels. We mostly travelled at night, navigating by the stars, the fiery orbs the only fixed point in an ever-shifting and dizzying landscape. It was a dangerous quest, one from which we knew we may not return, reliant as we were on finding fresh water amid the dunes. However, we could not have foreseen the greatest danger we were to encounter._

_We set off as usual after sunset, the camels roped together in a chain, our navigator riding the first. We plodded over the dunes through the darkness, our only light from the stars and the silvery moon. We rarely spoke, all wrapped and shivering in blankets in the desert's freezing night. All was as normal until the chain stopped and we heard a cry._

_Dismounting our beasts, we hurried forward to the navigator, for it was he who had raised the alarm. His camel had stumbled against something and the poor beast was now holding its foot above the floor, clearly suffering from pain._

_Our scientist lit a lamp and began to examine the camel while the rest gathered around the stone, for such it was. Protruding from the desert sand was a stone curve approximately [one and a half metres] in width. We were naturally extremely curious and, unloading our digging implements, set to work to free the curve._

_As the sand was removed, it became apparent that the curve was in fact the zenith of a stone archway from which, showing no sign of how it was fixed, was a sheer black piece of thin cloth pulled taut by the sand._

_We worked in near silence, the desert's calm only disturbed by the grunts and panting of our effort, and I believe that it is not only subsequent events that would lead me to describe the atmosphere as unsettling, almost as if something was menacing us from just beyond our comprehension, just out of earshot._

_After [two hours] or thereabouts, the arch was almost clear, and its beauty and perfect manufacture were clear to behold. The cloth that hung from it hung free now and fluttered though that night there was no breeze, and I believe the other-worldly aspect of it became sharper and more unnerving. We seven stood around it, gazing entranced in the cold light of the moon, not speaking for I do not know how long._

_Finally, someone turned away. It was our recorder and mapmaker, the young man Ptomar._

'_I cannot stand it,' he said, and his voice was thin and clear but it quavered. 'We should never have uncovered this. There is evil in it, I know it. There are voices speaking from it.'_

_We listened hard and had to accept that he was correct. There was a great magic coming from the arch in waves as tangible as the sea, and although the night was quiet it was as if the voices spoke to us directly into our minds._

_Ptomar was engaged in tearing small pieces of cloth, which he fitted into his ears, but he suddenly cried out again._

'_The voices… I cannot stop the voices.'_

_He ran towards the mysterious arch and passed through it and then - nothing. He was gone, though we searched all around calling his name and even digging up the sand behind the arch. He was gone._

_We called upon the gods to protect him wherever he may be, then loaded our camels once more. None of us wished to remain there with the arch and its veil - it was if the division between the dead and the living, the past and the future was so thin there that a man might slip through and be greeted by - who knew what?_

_Our return was unheralded; after all we had found nothing of use. We reported to the pharaoh, who expressed a great interest in the arch. Though we all attempted to convey the horror and fear we had felt, he would not believe us and would send out a larger party to bear back the arch and install it within his palace._

_And so the arch was installed in a locked chamber guarded around the clock, and the pharaoh went nearly mad with studying it. He sent for the most learned scholars over the world to examine it and give their opinions as to its nature and, though none could be sure, they all warned him of its danger._

_He would not listen. It had cast its spell on him, as it had on the hapless Ptomar, and one day he could stand it no more and disappeared through it. Neither man has ever been seen again on this world. I can only hope that they have been conveyed to the afterlife, for any other possibility is too awful to entertain._

Snape looked up and rubbed the back of his neck wearily. So that was how it materialised, although who knew what ancient people had hidden it in the shifting sands of Africa, or who had first constructed or discovered it. It was interesting but it did not move things along; there was no hint as to what had happened to the mapmaker and the pharaoh.

He laid the book aside to borrow, and searched carefully through those lining the shelves for any that could possibly be useful. He quickly accumulated a pile, though he was not particularly optimistic about their contents. He gathered them up, let Madam Pince record which he had taken and then made his way down to the dungeons.

He added some small articles that he wished to take with him, a couple of potions in intricate glass bottles, and then flooed back to Weaving Cottage.

* * *

The Wolfsbane was simmering gently on his return, the correct shade of clear reddish brown for that stage of the process. Snape sniffed at it, nodded, and then made his way downstairs to look for Remus.

He found him sitting in the living room, staring down at a photograph clutched in his hands. He looked, if possible, even worse than he had that morning.

'Remus,' Snape said softly, hoping to gently bring him back to reality. It did not work; Lupin jumped violently and the photograph clattered to the floor.

'Severus,' he said, with an unnerving imitation of his usual polite and closed smile.

'What are you doing?' Snape asked.

'Oh… er…'

'What you like a cup of tea?'

Remus shrugged, then with an effort said, 'I don't mind. I'll join you if you're having one.'

'Perhaps in a few minutes.'

He stooped and picked up the photograph, handed it back. It looked very recent, Sirius Black lounging against Remus with his infuriating lazy grin, Remus with a delighted surprised smile that only disappeared when he bent his neck to drop a kiss onto Sirius's untidy hair. One of Black's arms was stretched out; he had clearly taken the photograph himself.

'I never could believe Sirius would fall in love with someone like me. He seemed to be so sure of himself, and of course he was ridiculously good-looking. I suppose… it sounds silly… I've always thought he was too _cool _for me. I don't know how else to put it - I suppose it's charisma. He had charisma, that's how he would win people round or charm them into giving in. He was never tongue-tied.'

'He didn't have enough humility to be tongue-tied,' blurted Snape, then looked horrified at what he had said.

He was surprised that Remus didn't seem angry with him, or hurt.

'You're right,' he said eventually. 'He was so confident, and - Olympus knows I love him, but he could be terrifically arrogant. But then that's part of what I loved him for. He would be so certain his point of view was the right one; he'd dive right in and defend it, and hang the consequences. We were very different… I know he'd always defend me. He'd always speak out. He was so sure of himself.'

'I can see how much that would mean to someone, especially someone like you.'

'I think that's the most tactful way you've ever referred to my condition!' Remus said, and though he didn't smile it did not seem like a criticism. 'But I think you understand - you do, don't you? He would do and say the most outrageous things, sometimes wonderful and sometimes heartbreaking, but he would never mean to hurt anyone he loved. And he was so _loyal _to anything he thought was right.'

'He saw the world in black and white,' said Snape, not meaning the pun and Remus didn't notice it.

'Whereas I only ever see shades of grey.'

'That is much more real, you know. You should not reproach yourself for having that view.'

'I don't, not normally, but sometimes I would feel such a cold fish compared to him!'

Snape said nothing. He understood.

* * *

Remus had been supplied with a hot sweet cup of tea and a tatty Dorothy Sayers paperback, and Snape had gone back upstairs to check on the Wolfsbane. To his satisfaction it was progressing nicely and a dose would be ready later that evening.

To use up the time after the addition of the _Lupinus spectabilis*_, he started flicking through the books he had brought back from Hogwarts. The pages of the books were fragile and yellowed with time and he took great care when checking in the glossaries, but to no avail. There did not appear to be anything of note in the books; they were mostly filled with anecdotes and surmise about the Veil and lacked any solid information. With the exception of the book by Ancellus the Younger, there did not seem to be any eyewitness accounts of what the Veil could do and no one had any ideas how it worked.

After a couple of hours, Snape closed the last dusty book with a sigh and then sneezed. He sat back in his chair and folded his arms, thanking all the magical characters of history that he had not told Remus what he was researching.

He dipped a ladle into the Wolfsbane and filled a goblet then made his way back down to present it to Lupin. He was pleased to notice that the werewolf was nose-deep in _The Documents in the Case _and when he looked up from it his face did not seem quite so strained.

'I have your potion.'

'Thank you Severus.'

Remus drank it down, suppressing a shudder. Unbeknownst to him, Snape sympathised; he had tried the potion once but had spat out the tiny mouthful in disgust.

'Thank you,' he said again, and handed back the goblet. 'I can never tell you how much better this potion makes my life. To have that control of my life, well, I can't remember ever having that before. Knowing that I don't have to fear myself and what I become makes me feel less like a monster.'

'You're not a monster,' Snape said, dark eyes intense above his beaky nose. 'You could never be a monster.'

'You've seen me. You can't deny it.'

'It is beyond your control. You do everything you can to keep people safe. There are many people far more monstrous than you.'

'All the spells in the world are not enough to guarantee my containment… that's why your potion is so incredible. I am myself every night.'

'Is it worse, now that you remember all of it, I mean.'

'I'm always frightened before, but it's a different type of frightened. I'm only frightened for myself and I know I can bear it.'

'Perhaps I could add some more analgesia… maybe a mild hypnotic for amnesia.'

'Severus, I'm happy to be your guinea pig but please don't feel you have to change things on my account. You've done more to let me accept myself than anyone.'

Snape disappeared into the kitchen to brew coffee and to hide his blushes and the irresistible glow that Remus's words had given him, and which he was certain must be as visible as the sunrise.

* * *

*_Lupinus spectabilis_ - shaggyhaired lupine (I thought it quite appropriate).


	11. Different Magic

Literally the slowest ever story in the history of fan fic. Maybe one day it will be finished, but until then it will always be a work in progress when I fancy writing a couple of lines now and again. It's got a plan and everything, it's just life getting in the way!

* * *

When they came too, they were in a strange room as always, but this one was stranger. There was a lot of dark glassy material about, and metal fittings. It was dim, lit by a couple of small electric lights.

Remus looked around, but decided the alien surroundings were of less pressing concern than Sirius, who lay still out cold.

'Are you alright?' he asked gently.

Sirius moaned and opened his eyes hesitantly, before closing them again.

'They were all dead, Re,' he said. 'What if that was my world?'

'Surely not,' Remus said, shaking his head. 'He couldn't have moved that fast, could he?'

'Maybe it distorts time as well as place,' Sirius said.

'No – remember when we arrived in the one where – where I got a new wand,' Remus said, deciding tactfully to steer clear of allusions to his alter ego and Severus Snape. 'They said you'd only died a couple of days ago. That's right, isn't it? So time must be right.'

Remus sounded far surer than he felt, and he had the ability to convince Sirius as his own lover could.

'You're right,' said Sirius, reopening his eyes. 'Though still – another world, like our own, but – it could happen in my world, and yours.'

'It could,' said Remus, 'but there's nothing we can do there, at the moment, and there was nothing we could do in that world. We would have died without making any difference.'

Sirius nodded. 'I know, I suppose. You're always right, Remus.'

Remus laughed. 'A trait I hope all the other Remuses share,' he said archly, and got to his feet.

'This is a strange room,' Sirius said dubiously.

'I know,' Remus agreed.

Remus was just good-humouredly hauling Sirius up off the floor when the doors burst open.

Remus whirled around, his wand at the ready, and Sirius leapt to his feet and stood shoulder to shoulder with him, but no curses flew at them.

Instead, 'Who are you?' shouted one of the intruders in an American accent.

There were four of them standing there; the American, one tall man and one shorter, and one woman.

'I,' said Sirius, his heart beating fast, 'was about to ask you the same question.'

'I'm Captain Jack Harkness,' said the American, 'and you're in my building.'

'You – you're the Minister for Magic? No way,' Sirius said.

'No way is right,' said the Captain, and grinned.

'Then – where are we?'

'This is Torchwood.'

'Torchwood?' Sirius repeated. 'What, was that some crazed sort of rebrand?'

'No,' said the woman suddenly. 'We're not a ministry for magic. I've never heard of that.'

'What, are you _muggles_?' Sirius asked incredulously. 'What the hell is the Veil doing at some muggle building?'

'What's a muggle?' asked the taller man in a Welsh accent.

'A non-magic person; someone who is neither a witch nor wizard,' Remus replied, speaking for the first time.

The suited Welsh man's eyes were wide, but he looked at Remus and nodded.

'Then we are muggles,' he said.

'Blimey,' Sirius said and smiled. 'We're not muggles – we're both wizards.'

'Yeah right,' the shorter man said. 'This is some prank isn't it? How did you get in?'

'We came through the Veil,' Sirius said, gesturing behind him and looking slightly annoyed.

'I see,' the American said slowly. 'Where did you come from?'

'Some other world,' Sirius told him. 'That's how the Veil works. When you step through it you end up in another world.'

'What, another planet?'

'No, no, a world like ours, only a bit different every time.'

'What, different sorts of the same reality? Earth every time, but with certain events changed?' the woman asked eagerly. 'Is that heard of, Jack? I suppose in theory it's possible…'

'I've never heard of it like this,' the American said. 'What were our monitors picking up?'

'Lots of generalised Rift energy,' the woman responded, 'and then a spike, not huge, but very strange. I'd never seen anything like it.'

'A portal through space-time,' the Welsh man said wonderingly. 'Wow. Quantum Leap.'

The American laughed. 'What are your names?'

'I'm Sirius,' said Sirius.

'Remus.'

'Like I say, I'm Jack Harkness; please, call me Jack. This,' he gestured to his left, 'is Toshiko Sato, this is Owen Harper, and this,' at the tall Welshman, 'is Ianto Jones.'

The team all nodded gravely at Remus and Sirius.

'If you are wizards,' Owen, the shorter and more belligerent one began, 'let's see your wands then.'

The American, Jack, smirked. 'Owen, I didn't think you were interested in that sort of thing.'

The others laughed, and Sirius raised his eyebrows. He removed his wand from his back pocket and held it up. Owen put out his hand for it, but Sirius withdrew his hand.

'I can show you,' he said instead.

The muggles were immediately watchful.

Sirius looked around, but seeing nothing except walls and cameras, he felt in his pockets and found a knut. He held it on an outstretched palm, flicked his wand lazily and Transfigured the knut into a tiny white mouse. One of the muggles let out an audible gasp.

'Very neat trick,' Captain Jack said. 'What else can you do?'

'Lots of stuff,' said Sirius simply. He thought for a second and then concentrated hard. '_Expecto patronum_.'

From the end of his wand burst a shimmering streak of silver that resolved itself into a huge shaggy dog, a silver Padfoot, which galloped around the room.

'That's beautiful,' breathed Toshiko. 'What does it do?'

'It protects you,' said Sirius shortly.

'So…' Captain Jack said, and they could see his face relaxing, losing some of its wariness. 'How did you two end up here? Why did you go through that Veil?'

'A long story,' said Remus. He suddenly felt very tired, and yawned. 'We're both looking for something. Sirius fell through into my world by accident, and I decided to join him.'

'Come upstairs,' Jack said. 'You can have some coffee and tell us everything.'

They trooped out of the dark room and into bright corridors, Remus and Sirius following the others as they led the way out.

Jack paused at the top of the stairs into a huge, high-ceilinged room and turned to Ianto. 'Could you make us some coffee, Yan? We'll be in the seminar room.'

Ianto, the man in the suit, looked at him and nodded.

Moments later they were in another dark room. Remus took the seat next to Sirius, who took his hand reassuringly.

'So, you're wizards, you came through that Veil, and you're jumping between worlds. Why? How did you come to fall through, Sirius?'

'I was in a fight at the Ministry,' Sirius said. 'There's an enemy we're fighting – he had lured my godson Harry into danger. I went there with others to rescue him. I wasn't looking where I was going.'

'And now you're trying to return home, correct?'

'Yes.'

'But – I'm right in thinking, it's hit and miss?'

'We go where the Veil takes us.'

'And you, Remus?'

'I'm -,' Remus blushed again, 'I was unhappy in my world.'

'So where are you looking to go?'

'I really don't know… look, I'm sorry we were so defensive when you came in,' he said, changing the subject abruptly. 'It's just – the last world wasn't very nice.'

'It's fine. What was wrong with the last world?'

'Well – in Sirius's world, and in mine, we – magic people – are fighting a great enemy. In the world we were just in, that enemy had won.'

'I see,' the Captain said. 'What was this enemy's name?'

'Lord Voldemort,' said Remus.

No reaction. 'We can't have him here,' said Ianto, coming in with coffees. 'I've never heard of him.'

'You're a muggle. Muggles don't know about him.'

'I might be a muggle,' ironic grin, 'but I know about matters paranormal.'

'What?'

'This – Torchwood – is for finding aliens. Cardiff – that's where you are, by the way – sits on a rift in space and time. Things from other planets ends up here. Alien artefacts, the aliens themselves.'

It was Remus's turn to be amazed. 'Surely you know it's not real, that it's just magic stuff covered up by governments.'

'Oh,' Ianto laughed, 'it's real.'

'Have you – have you seen aliens then?'

'Yup.'

'Great Hecate,' Remus said absent-mindedly. 'Definitely aliens? Not – hinkypunks or something?'

'Definitely aliens.'

'If there were magic in this world, we'd definitely know about it. We know about fairies, at any rate,' Jack said.

Remus shuddered.

'So what do you plan to do?' Ianto asked as he gave Remus his coffee.

'Carry on going,' said Sirius matter-of-factly.

'Will you let us do a few tests first?' asked Owen.

'What sort of tests?'

'Just heart rate, breathing rate, oxygen saturation, some bloods, that sort of thing.'

'I don't see why not,' said Sirius, looking at Remus.

'I'll order food,' Ianto said.

And so they found themselves in a sunken bay with a hospital bed. The others were ranged around the gallery at the top, watching as Owen expertly extracted blood from Sirius.

'You're done,' he said with a grin. 'Your turn,' to Remus.

He went through all the motions, did all the tests, before coming to take blood.

'What will you be checking for?' asked Remus.

'Things like viruses and bacteria. Also, I'll run it through a DNA testing program, should get us some sort of result within the hour.'

'You ought to know then,' said Remus softly, 'I have a – sort of an infection.'

'What is it? Hep B, hep C, HIV, CMV, EBV?' rattled off Owen.

'It's not a – I don't know what it is, exactly, but you should know. I'm a werewolf.'

Sirius started up as Owen took a step back.

'You don't need to be scared,' Remus told him miserably. 'I'm not contagious.'

Sirius had opened his mouth to start haranguing Owen when Ianto unexpectedly spoke up.

'I knew a werewolf,' he said. 'Nice chap.'

It was enough. Owen took Remus's blood (somewhat gingerly), and as Remus held the cotton wool ball down once he had finished, he glanced up Ianto and found him looking at him. He looked down again immediately.

'Can I go outside for a cigarette please?' he asked meekly.

Jack nodded. 'Ianto, go with him.'

Remus noticed the look on Ianto's face at being ordered about like this.

'I'll not being trying to escape,' he said quickly. 'If we're prisoners, I mean. I wouldn't leave without Sirius anyway, and we need to get back to the Veil.'

'I don't mind,' Ianto said, and led Remus out the back way until they stood under a sky bruise-purple with light pollution.

'So we're prisoners?'

'Oh no, no – not exactly. Not for long, I'm sure.'

Remus bit his nails pensively.

'Are you eager to get away?' Ianto asked.

'I suppose,' Remus said, 'though I want to sleep and eat first. Sirius is more eager than me, I'll wager.'

He pulled out his packet of cigarettes, offered one politely which was accepted, and lit up and inhaled.

'After all, we can't carry on like this if we're going to be going for a long time,' he said.

'Do you think you will? When will you know which world to stay in?'

'I really don't know,' Remus said, and chuckled hollowly. 'You know what I thought I was looking for? A Sirius without a Remus. Isn't that ridiculous? As if I could go up to my old school friend in a different world and say "hello, it's me. Do you want to be my boyfriend?"'

'It's not ridiculous,' Ianto said gently. 'What happened to your Sirius?'

'He was imprisoned for a crime he didn't commit, and – executed.'

'How awful. I'm so sorry.'

'Don't be sorry,' Remus said with a shrug and another drag on his cigarette. 'But – I just don't know if that's what I want anymore.'

'Do you regret leaving your world?'

'No – though I had a partner there, and a bookshop. But I wanted to escape.'

Ianto's eyes were blue and sympathetic.

'What about you then? How come you work at hunting aliens?'

'I got recruited from university,' Ianto said.

'…And do you like it?'

'I suppose so. It's just – the hours are really antisocial. You can't tell anyone what you do or see. It gets hard.'

'I can imagine.'

'Would you mind me asking – what's it like? Being a werewolf, I mean.'

'I thought that you had a friend who was one?'

'No,' Ianto said thoughtfully. 'I told Owen that to stop him being an idiot. It was your face – well, you looked like you hated yourself. And I trusted you. So I lied.'

Remus was glad that he had a cigarette to occupy his attention.

'I didn't mean to offend you.'

'You didn't. Thank you. But in answer to your question – it could be worse. It's predictable. I can stop myself being able to bite anyone - I mean, where I choose to transform, by finding a secure place.'

'Does it hurt? When you change?'

'Yes.'

'How long have you been one? Were you born like that?'

'No… I was bitten when I was very small, five years old. My parents were muggles - non-magic. They didn't know. A pair of witches turned up to the hospital I'd been taken to and told them. A bit of a shock, I should think - your kid's a wizard, and a werewolf.'

Ianto nodded thoughtfully. 'And I assume there's no cure?'

'No.'

There was silence. The stars shone above, the same ones as Remus had learned in his astronomy lessons at school, making it hard to believe he wasn't in his old familiar world.

'I - I understand, you know. About leaving, and going looking for someone. I think - well, maybe if I knew - maybe if I didn't have people to leave behind…'

'You lost someone too.'

'Yeah.'

'And maybe - found someone else?'

Ianto was silent.

'When I left, I barely even thought about it - I mean, Sirius, turning up like that, all I could think was how I remembered him. But travelling with him… it's made me realise how little I know him now. We've missed out on so many years. How could I think that I could find a new version of him in some strange world and things would just pick up where we left them? It's too different. And I can't stop remembering what they did to him in my own world.'

'I don't think you have to make up your mind too quickly,' Ianto told him, staring at his cigarette. 'Of course you can't stop thinking about it, but there's no rush. I think you'll know when the time to make your decision comes.'

'You've taken all this very calmly,' Remus told him.

'You should see some of the stuff that turns up here. Two more-or-less humans from a different world is nothing.'

Remus cracked a smile. 'I suppose not,' he said.

'Let's go,' Ianto said. Remus pulled out his wand and Vanished the butt and remaining smoke with a little difficulty; he was still accustoming himself to his new wand.

'Handy,' Ianto commented approvingly, and they walked back inside together.

Sirius was sitting in the main hall of the Torchwood headquarters with the rest of the team. A pterodactyl swooped and screeched above them, and Remus jumped.

'Good grief, that's not a - this place is amazing!' he told Ianto, who grinned.

'Hey Re,' Sirius shouted, and Remus waved at him as they made their way down some sweeping silver stairs. 'You wouldn't believe what happens here,' he continued as they got closer. 'All sorts of weird shit comes through this rift thing.'

'So I hear. I gather we're nothing very exciting.'

'We've never had magicians before,' Tosh told him. 'Go on, do a bit more magic.'

Sirius transfigured her empty cup into a silver goblet, which he presented to her with a flourish.

'Sirius,' Remus said in a low voice. 'We should probably leave.'

Sirius nodded.

Ianto had apparently overheard. 'It's full moon in a couple of nights,' he said. 'Don't you want to stay?'

Sirius and Remus looked at each other.

'That's a good idea,' said Remus finally. 'Thanks.'

Owen was visibly gleeful. 'We'll set up some cameras and mikes in one of the rooms in the vaults, then we can watch!'

'If that's okay,' Ianto added in a warning sort of voice.

'It's the least I can do in return for your hospitality,' Remus told him with a smile.

* * *

The leader of this team, Captain Jack the handsome American, had attempted in short order to seduce both Sirius and Remus, and had been politely but firmly knocked back, and so when Ianto went to make coffee later that evening, Remus went in after him to the kitchen.

'Need any help?' he asked, and was rewarded with a fleeting grin from the Welshman.

'Not much to help with. You like your coffee strong?'

'Oh, yes please.'

Ianto turned back to his task, pressing a button to grind beans and making a delicious fresh coffee scent drift tantalising outwards. Remus sniffed eagerly, then reddened as he saw Ianto's eyes on him.

'I just like the smell.'

'No werewolf special senses?'

'Sadly not - at least, none that I've ever noticed. But I was little anyway, so I wouldn't notice a difference.'

Ianto looked away as he carefully tipped beans into a shining complicated-looking machine and then pulled a lever. As coffee began to drip slowly into a waiting pot, he asked, 'Milk? Sugar?'

'Sugar please, two. Sirius will have his milky without sugar I think.'

'Sweet tooth. I ought to tell you off. My coffee doesn't need anything else in it.'

'So it's a speciality of the house?'

'That's why the boss keeps me around.'

'I'd actually thought it was for, er, other reasons.'

Ianto raised an eyebrow and Remus began to babble before he was interrupted by laughter.

'He hit on you, didn't he?'

'Er… yes.'

'I'm assuming you managed to resist his charms? Yes? Then I'll tell you that Jack's type is a good-looking sentient creature with a pulse, home planet irrelevant.'

Remus chuckled. 'I'm relieved. I was worried he'd be offended.'

'Nothing offends Jack,' Ianto said dryly. 'Though he gets a little upset sometimes when he feels like he's being left out.

'So you and he aren't…?'

'No,' Ianto said definitely and turned back to his beloved coffee machine.

Remus stared at his back for a few moments before retrieving milk and sugar, and then they were busy with coffee-making.

When they came out there was a tower of pizza boxes and the others were already tearing into slices.

'Come sit here!' Jack said to Remus, who caught Ianto's eye roll and smirked. He took a chair near the man and accepted a slice of margherita, and patiently answered the string of questions Jack asked him about the Veil and magic and Voldemort and werewolves.

By the time the pizza had gone and a crate of beer had been drunk, the two wizards were almost asleep. Ianto showed them to a couple of comfortable sofas and grinned when Remus Transfigured them into beds and a pair of cushions into blankets, then left them to their rest.

* * *

The time spent in the Torchwood Hub went fast. The team had work to do, and Sirius and Remus spent much of their time sleeping and eating vast quantities of take-away food, and the rest of the time chatting about alien phenomena with the cheerful and friendly team of muggles who did such bizarre work. Their magic skills were much in demand, and Remus quickly grew accustomed to his new wand.

* * *

Remus was napping, overtaken by tiredness on the evening of the full moon, when he was woken by Ianto.

'I don't know when exactly things happen,' Ianto said to Remus in a low voice, 'but I thought I'd better make sure you had enough time.'

Remus stretched and looked at the clock on the wall.

'I ought to go down,' he said. 'I've got maybe half an hour.'

He looked up at Sirius, who was reading a newspaper, and he understood instantly and rose to his feet.

Ianto nodded briskly. 'Follow me.'

Jack, Owen and Tosh were putting the finishing touches to the room where Remus would become a werewolf and then a man again. They had padded the walls and floor, fixed up cameras and sound recording equipment and enhanced the locks and bars. There was also a large cushion in the corner.

'I don't know if werewolves sleep,' Ianto said, a slightly embarrassed grin on his face, 'but if you want to…'

'Thanks,' Remus said. 'Hello again, everyone. Thank you so much for sorting all this out for me.'

'Don't thank us too much,' Jack laughed. 'Owen can't wait to study a bona fide werewolf transformation.'

Owen looked up. 'I wish I had some devices I could use to monitor your vital signs, but I shouldn't think anything we've got is tough enough to last.'

The team doctor's brusque manner didn't faze Remus. 'I wouldn't have thought so,' he said.

'Hello Remus,' Tosh said. 'I hope you're all ready.'

'Yes.'

Owen quickly tested the werewolf's physiology and scribbled a few notes.

'That's me done,' he said. 'I'll leave you to it.'

Tosh stopped fiddling with the cameras and followed him out, turning to wish Remus good luck before she too left.

Jack glanced from Remus to Sirius. 'I'll be off too,' he said. 'We'll be watching you the whole time, so try not to worry. One of us will be down to let you out as soon as you're finished. You alright with the locks?' This last to Ianto.

'Fine, sir.'

'See you tomorrow morning,' Jack said, and walked out of the cell.

Ianto looked down as his feet. 'I thought probably you'd ruin your clothes if you stayed in them, so I've got you a sort of hospital gown to change into, and I'll look after your things.'

'Thank you,' Remus said. 'I'll get changed then.'

Ianto nodded, and he and Sirius left the room for Remus to undress. Remus flashed a look at the cameras. _I wonder if they're watching this?_ he thought, and then laughed at himself for worrying. _They'll see much worse_.

He padded out into the corridor on bare feet, shivering as he wrapped the flimsy cotton gown closer to himself. He could feel the barest warning signs of the change coming, and he wanted to be locked up safely as soon as possible.

He handed the pile of clothes to the waiting Sirius, still warm from his body.

'You'd better lock me in. It's nearly time.'

Sirius wrapped him in a bear hug, and planted a fraternal kiss on his cheek.

'I can join you if you'd like,' he murmured into Remus's ear.

'No, no - it's okay,' Remus whispered back.

They both felt, though it was difficult to put into words, that such a step was too intimate. Despite their familiarity with each other's alter egos, it seemed as though it was too early and too strange to share the closeness and vulnerability of Remus's transformation.

Sirius stepped back, paused a moment then nodded.

Ianto followed Remus wordlessly into the room.

'Please, you have to go,' Remus said urgently. He was trembling – whether from cold or anticipation he wasn't sure.

'Good luck,' Ianto told him softly before slipping out of the room.

The door closed and Remus could hear the bolts sliding across, padlocks snapping closed. He sat down on the cushion, arms wrapped round his bent legs, and waited, staring at a camera in the opposite corner of the room.

Maybe five minutes passed. The inner battle had begun, and he knew that he would lose, he always lost, but he could never willingly succumb. Sure enough, he stood up and paced about, his body still human but his mind almost entirely wolf, and then the pain began.

Upstairs, the team and Sirius were clustered around a screen showing the various views of the cameras in the room. They were silent, but the screams coming from the microphones filled the Hub.

It felt like hours, but in reality was less than five minutes, before the screaming and howling stopped. Everyone's face was white.

'I didn't realise it was that bad,' Owen said eventually.

'Poor Remus,' Tosh murmured. 'How does he put up with that, every month? It's so – relentless.'

Sirius said nothing. His eyes were fixed on the screen, watching the wolf prowling around the room, sniffing everything. Then it sat on its haunches and unleashed a fearsome howl. He could stand it no longer, and abruptly walked away, trying and failing to erase the memory of Remus's face as he sat looking directly into the camera and waited, and the frenzied attack he had subjected himself to as he changed.

* * *

It was a long and lonely night. Tosh and Owen had gone home, and Jack had gone to bed once Ianto had offered to stay and take care of Sirius, and watch Remus to make sure he came to no avoidable harm.

He was fascinated by the werewolf in its cage. It had stopped pacing and howling at about two in the morning, and had laid itself down on the cushion which was now bloody. Ianto was deeply absurdly pleased by that.

'So werewolves do nap,' he said aloud, and laughed.

It had laid its head on its paws, yawned and peacefully drifted off. Ianto had yawned in sympathy, then watched to make sure it really had gone to sleep before getting up to make himself and Sirius a cup of coffee.

It was about six and Sirius had nodded off when the wolf woke. It inclined its head and whined softly, and Ianto sat forward in his chair, rubbing his eyes to try to wake himself up.

The transformation the other way seemed much less painful. Before his eyes, Ianto saw the thick fur disappear into the wolf's skin, its head shrink and become rounder, fingers and toes sprout from the metamorphosing limbs, and there was Remus again, out cold, lying naked on the floor.

Ianto stood up and gently shook Sirius awake.

'He's back,' he said, and Sirius leapt to his feet and raced down to the cell. He fumbled with the locks and bolts, cursing as his sleep-clumsy fingers slipped, until finally the door swung open.

Remus looked up groggily and managed a weak smile.

'Good morning,' he croaked.

Sirius dropped to his knees at Remus's side and took his hand, dropped a kiss on his forehead.

'I'll get you up to the treatment bay,' Ianto said. He had followed Sirius downstairs and stood framed in the doorway, holding a blanket. 'Owen should be in soon and he'll see to you.'

'I'm okay,' Remus said shakily and indeed his legs were getting stronger by the minute. 'Bit naked though.'

His gown was torn to bloody shreds.

Sirius wrapped the blanket round Remus before he and Ianto gently lifted him, and took to the bed in the autopsy room, lying him down and covering him with sheets and blankets.

'How are you feeling?' Sirius asked gently, dragging over a chair and sitting by the supine man.

'Not so bad,' Remus told him. 'You look awful. Have you been up all night?'

'Not quite. You're a fine one to be criticising someone's appearance.'

Remus chuckled. 'Touché. So how was it?' he asked Ianto. 'Watching, I mean.'

'It was…' Ianto's face darkened. 'Educational.'

Remus's forehead creased into lines of concern. 'I'm sure it's worse to watch than to go through.'

Ianto shook his head and turned away.

Sirius reached a hand under the blankets, and took hold of Remus's.

'All finished for another month,' he murmured. His grey eyes glistened as he thought of his own lover, left in his world to face his transformation alone.

Sirius stayed with Remus as Ianto gently cleaned his wounds, sticking plasters over scrapes and pulling the edges of deeper scratches together with some sort of muggle glue. Remus or Sirius could have healed those superficial cuts with ease, but somehow Ianto's silent work soothed them both. He finished off by handing over a little cup with several tablets in it ('Painkillers,') and stood over Remus until he swallowed them all. Then he took his temperature, tutted a little, and left them alone.

By the time the other members of Torchwood arrived at work, Ianto was asleep in a chair with a full cup of coffee still held carefully in his hand and Sirius and Remus were sharing the narrow bed, both fast asleep.

* * *

Remus slept a lot of the day. Whenever he awoke, someone was there to give him more analgesia, or hold a cup of water to his dry lips, or even just hold his hand or stroke his hair. When he finally came to fully, he realised he felt better than he had for many years on the day after his transformation.

When he said that to Sirius in a sleepy moment, he was enveloped in a warm hug and kissed on the top of his head.

'As long as we're together I'll look after you,' Sirius told him and as comforting as that was, Remus felt a tinge of guilt at the thought of the other Remus, the other him, who would be suffering alone that month.

It was evening before Remus felt well enough to get up. Wrapped in a blanket, he shuffled past Sirius sleeping in an armchair and over to where the team sat conversing in the main part of the Hub.

'Good morning!' Jack greeted him with a dazzling smile. 'Or rather, good night. How're you feeling?'

'Alright,' Remus said hoarsely.

'You shouldn't be up,' scolded Owen. 'Honestly, the state you were in this morning…'

'It's fine. It's normal. I'm used to it.'

He missed the sympathetic glances between Tosh and Ianto.

'Is there any food? I'm ravenous!'

'Of course. Let me get you something. Toast alright?'

At Remus's smiling nod, Ianto went into the kitchen, and Remus sat himself down on a comfortable chair.

'I hope you learned something,' he said politely to Owen, who looked uncomfortable.

'Yes, I did, but… I never thought it would be so…'

'Oh, I'm sure it's bad to watch,' Remus said awkwardly. 'In my world there's not a lot of research into werewolves, we're rather, ah, looked down on, but they do say we have a faster metabolism. Did you find that?'

'There was some evidence of it, yes,' Owen began, and launched into a speech peppered with incomprehensible muggle medicine language as Remus munched on toast and Marmite and tried to follow.

Sirius wandered in in the middle of Owen's monologue and nicked a piece of toast from Remus's plate. He raised questioning eyebrows at Remus, who smiled at him, and then plopped himself down on a sofa.

'…so in actual fact, although your core body temperature's higher than the norm, your BP and heart rate are both normal. Your leukocytes are morphologically normal, though you have a slight basophilia but that may be coincidental, and your Hb is a little high but then you're a smoker. Platelets fine. No evidence of bacteria under light microscopy but cultures will take a bit longer. Your renal function appears normal too, urea and creatinine're low, and your electrolytes are fine, but your transaminases are -'

'Put a sock in it, Owen,' said Jack lazily.

Owen scowled and went back to poring over papers which Remus assumed were his test results.

'Okay?' Sirius asked him.

'Yep, fine, feeling pretty good actually!'

'Excellent,' Jack said. He stood up and stretched, and Remus could not help but notice Ianto's eyes on his boss, his mouth slightly open. He looked away quickly and drank more tea.

'Do you think you'll be okay to go on soon then, Re?' said Sirius.

'Oh yes, I feel ready, only a few aches and pains. What about early tomorrow, does that sound alright?'

Sirius's face lit up. 'Sounds great.'

'Oh, we'll miss you,' said Tosh. 'Will you be gone before we get here tomorrow?'

'Yes, we should really aim to get on before there are too many people around - assuming the Veil's in another Ministry of Magic when we get to the other side,' Sirius told her, and Remus nodded.

'I'll say goodbye now then,' she said and hugged both men. Owen shook hands with them and the two departed together.

Remus picked up some cups and followed Ianto into the kitchen once more where he cleaned all the crockery with a swipe of his wand.

'I could get used to having you around,' Ianto told him.

'I've enjoyed being here,' Remus said honestly. 'Er - will you forgive me if I give you a piece of advice?'

'Go on…'

'Your boss, Jack, well - I think you ought to let him know if you ever thought - well, if you're interested. You know. I think he leaves you alone because he's your boss - that's to say, I think you'd have to make the first move.'

'Advice accepted,' Ianto said with his back to Remus, fiddling with his coffee machine.

'Good, well - will you be about first thing?'

'Yes, and I'm sure Jack will want to see you off too.'

'Alright then. Good night Ianto. See you tomorrow.'

* * *

A/N: obviously I don't own Torchwood but sometimes I like to play with it and make believe that Ianto and the others are still with us. Sorry RTD, hope you don't mind too much.


End file.
